BS”D
Gitty, I dislike structure more than you ever will – my black clothing and full beard are more of a rebellion against the phony structure of the secular world than your leaving is anything to the frum world. I deal with the world on Hashem’s terms, not on the terms of the clothing companies, or the razor manufacturers, or anyone who says I have to work on Shabbos etc etc.
In fact some silly shaygetz on the street once told me my flying tzitzis are “unfashionable”. I pointed to a sign for Versace and I said my fashion comes from G-d and not that dead M”Znick.
I work for myself and do as much as I can by myself and that is how it will always be. The only rules I don’t break are the ones that will land me in the can or inflict harm on myself or others if I break them or the ones that are related to civil society.
But if you look at it the right way, Shabbos is the greatest escape from the structure that all of us, including you and I, must deal with during the week.
I am totally relaxed on Shabbos; I don’t watch the clock, or my bank account, or my computer, or the calorie or carbohydrate count of what I eat – OK I try never to surpass three pounds of meat, one US gallon of wine or one litre of hard liquor, but if I do, so what LOL!
What is more, the little bit of structure that you do have on Shabbos is more for men than women, so you really have it easy. I have to get to shul by a certain time – you don’t.
I think what bothers you is not Yiddishkeit – it is “frum” society.
There are 70 ponim letoirah – one or more are for you and if someone doesn’t like what you do, they can kiss you somewhere else besides the ponim.
You don’t need to be accepted by the entire frum world. If you felt that being a bit different means you did not have a place, you may have been right during childhood when sometimes that is the case, but now you are free to find your place, even if it is different from the one that may have been intended for you by your local version of “the system”.
And there are communities where a lot of what you mentioned just does not matter.
Today, with telecommunications, you can live in one place and essentially work in another (or as I do, work all over the world at the same time). Somewhere there is a place where you will find happiness within the very wide 4 amos of Torah.