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The notion of bashert leaves me wondering. Does everyone have one? Even those unsuitable to marry?
The shidduch column in the flatbush jewish journal discussed a girl seriously dating a guy with real anger issues. Anything would set off a tirade of cursing and anger.
If he has a bashert, there is a poor girl out there destined to marry him. She can look forward to a very tumultuous married life at best.
Surely there’s a girl somewhere in the wide world who is a pea in the same pod and of the same disposition as this angry fellow and thus a suitable match for him.
Leah’s beshert was changed after she davened and cried to Hashem, and eventually she didn’t marry Esav.
Hashem does not necessarily want someone with an anger issue to find a match to live with him and that’s it, everything’s fine.
Some individuals need to work on their middos before going into a marriage.
I’ve heard a story, and I don’t know if it was true, but a guy who had a huge anger issue was set up with a woman who had an even greater temper. She put him in place. They lived happily ever after.
It’s also possible to lose out on one’s beshert. Hashem makes it so that they meet, but that doesn’t mean that they will recognize each other and accept their beshert.
Also, one can change it based on prayer and one’s merits, according to kabbalah.
The person you marry can become your beshert too.
And then there’s a zivug sheini for some folks.
BigGolem,
The shidduch column in the flatbush jewish journal discussed a girl seriously dating a guy with real anger issues. Anything would set off a tirade of cursing and anger.
If he has a bashert, there is a poor girl out there destined to marry him. She can look forward to a very tumultuous married life at best.
Every Jew has a portion in the world to come, but we must earn it through our mitzvos. Similarly, it is our responsibility to become worthy of our bashert. Someone who erupts in tirades of cursing and anger is not worthy of marriage. And, given what we learn in Pirkei Avos regarding violent anger and idol worship, his olam haba may be at risk as well.
Joseph,
I think pshat in zivug sheini in the Gemara in Sotah is not a second marriage but a change in your destiny according to your maasim (i.e. the same as lightbrite’s answer).
That is the Meiri’s p’shat.
Forget about anger issues, which hopefully can be worked on. What about a child who is niftar l”a very young? What about someone born with developmental disabilities? Do they have a bashert?
The whole idea of having a zivug is kabbalistic and we don’t understand what it means and we shouldn’t be basing our lives on it. From what I’ve been taught, it doesn’t mean what everyone thinks it means.
What we should realize is that everything that happens is bashert. If you marry someone, you were obviously meant to marry them, whether they are technically your “zivug” or not. Like everything else that happens in this world.
DY – I was also wondering about that (the developmental disabilities). Maybe the answer is that when Mashiach comes they will be cured and be able to get married, so they have to have a potential zivug since Moshiach can come any day.
As for people with disabilities, die young, and/or have other factors that impede their ability to marry, a rabbi told me (and I also read it somewhere) that sometimes souls come into this world to complete a mission without their beshert.
Someone’s soul may have one last mitzvah to accomplish.
We never know what we were destined to do here, at least certainly. Thus, one cannot just say, “Oh I don’t need to get married because I have a feeling that I did it in my last lifetime.”
At the same time, if someone has a different-ability, that does not include getting married, then that person is not obligated to perform that mitzvah.
See: “The Physically and Mentally Disabled Insights Based on the Teachings of Rav Moshe Feinstein”
By Rabbi Moshe D. Tendler, Ph.D. and Fred Rosner, M.D.
Then when for 1 spouse it is 1st marriage and for other spouse it is say 2nd or even 3rd marriage, so how does the “Beshertness of who was predestined 40 days prior to conception” play out in such a saga?
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