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There are some days when I am so depressed, I question whether or not there is any good in anything that I do. When I that happens, I tend to think that there is no future s’char for me for the mitzvos (or anything else) that I do.*
These feelings don’t actually stop me from doing the mitzvos (because s’char is not and never was my primary motivator), but it does add an element of meaninglessness to it. I do it because it’s what I do, it’s what I was commanded to do, and that’s it. Reward? Do I really deserve a reward for going to shul this morning and davening, especially if it’s just part of my normal morning routine? Do I really deserve a reward for not eating seafood when the thought of eating crab disgusts me? Does my not wearing sha’atnez make the world a better place in any conceivable way? So I do it, but when I’m feeling this way, I don’t forsee any future reward for me. I feel like I’m going to be told “so you did this things. Big whoop. Other people did them better than you did and under far more trying circumstances than you.”
However, when I have these feelings, I’m also reminded that someone who questions the concept of reward and punishment for the mitzvos has no portion in the World to Come. So, when I feel this way, I actually have no future reward waiting for me, because I’ve disqualified myself from it by having these feelings.
The Wolf
* Don’t worry… I’ve never given up on the truth of the concept of onesh. I’m sure that’s waiting for me regardless.
(Cue Joseph with the lamed-vuvnik line…)
Wow! Not only a lamed vover, but a humongous anav too! This is one tzaddik’s schar I truly envy!!
A few things.
1) This does not make you a kofer, ch”v, because you don’t deny the concept of reward, you just (likely erroneously) don’t think you will get any. You do acknowledge that others will, so you’re not denying s’char v’onesh.
2) You do get s’char for the mitzvos you do, even if others may get more because it’s harder for them. It’s not a competition, and Hashem is not limited in hows much s’char He can give.
3) There is indeed no reward for not committing an aveirah which you had no interest or desire to commit.
I hope you are getting help for your depression.
Wolf – I thought you were describing me but you don’t know me. I can only tell you that when you have those feelings, you are adding a layer to your purpose by staying constant. On those days I struggle hard to daven, I find it challenging to “give” wondering who wants damaged hand-outs.
You may feel that being rote is just a default mode but it isn’t. Not that someone else can convince you of anything that your heart is convincing you isn’t so, but just posting that you want things to be different is that proverbial needle’s eye and you can expect Hashem to help with the next step.
I love the fact that you have your own “people” but know where to turn when you need love and support 😉
Sorry, Wolf, I was teasing you a little bit. Please forgive me.
WolfishMusings,
There are some days when I am so depressed, I question whether or not there is any good in anything that I do. When I that happens, I tend to think that there is no future s’char for me for the mitzvos (or anything else) that I do.
I get these feelings from time to time as well. I don’t think they are uncommon feelings. Persistent depression, however, should warrant a trip to the doctor. It’s not a sin to get a stomach virus and be unable to lay tefillin, and likewise it’s not a sin to have depression and be unable to experience meaningfulness in what you do. But if the symptoms are persistent, you owe it to yourself and to your family to get a checkup.
These feelings don’t actually stop me from doing the mitzvos
B”H!
I do it because it’s what I do, it’s what I was commanded to do, and that’s it.
And that, at its most basic level, is the point. Knowing that there is a “Commander” who has given you commands. All of us need a lot of building maintenance and repair, but you have a very solid foundation under yours.
Reward? Do I really deserve a reward for going to shul this morning and davening, especially if it’s just part of my normal morning routine?
Does a factory worker still deserve to be paid if he shows up and runs his machines all day because it’s his routine, not because he’s thinking about how he’s going to benefit the company?
Do I really deserve a reward for not eating seafood when the thought of eating crab disgusts me?
Do you avoid products with shellfish additives that wouldn’t be disgusting to you?
Does my not wearing sha’atnez make the world a better place in any conceivable way?
Yes.
I feel like I’m going to be told “so you did this things. Big whoop.
Compared to Hashem, anything any human does, no matter how strong, good, heroic, whatever, is a big whoop. But that’s ok. We are what we are.
Other people did them better than you did and under far more trying circumstances than you.”
I don’t think Hashem will be judging us in comparison to others.
However, when I have these feelings, I’m also reminded that someone who questions the concept of reward and punishment for the mitzvos has no portion in the World to Come. So, when I feel this way, I actually have no future reward waiting for me, because I’ve disqualified myself from it by having these feelings.
You don’t seem to be questioning the concept of reward or punishment, but rather your own personal worthiness. So of all the things to worry about, I don’t think this should be one of them.
“I do it because it’s what I do, it’s what I was commanded to do, and that’s it. Reward?”
I’m not sure that this is a negative. If you look at it from a different perspective, you are doing it l’shem shamayim- because you are commanded, not to get a schar. that seems to me to be a very high level.
If you are feeling that you are just doing things by rote, then that is something else. But this does not sound like a spiritual issue, but rather an emotional one. It is the depression talking. If you couldn’t daven properly because you were terribly sick, lying in bed, would you think that you are a horrible person because you didn’t daven? So, too if depression is affecting your approach to mitzvos, it does not mean you are a rasha. I hope you can deal with the depression and see how valuable your mitzvos are.
DY
“There is indeed no reward for not committing an aveirah which you had no interest or desire to commit.”
Is that true?
Rashi in Re’eh seems to indicate that there is reward for not drinking blood even though everybody is disgusted by it
See Raman, Sforno and Rashbam.
Also, see Shaarei Teshuvah from Rabbeinu Yonah, Shaar 3-9, which is what I am basing my statement on.
http://beta.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=52052&st=&pgnum=140&hilite=
The way I’ve heard it, your “reward” is a closer relationship to Hashem. In this respect, it is like how one may not always want to do things for one’s wife and children, which may feel like drudgery at time. Even so, one gives and does anyway out of commitment to deepen one’s relationship.
Some days the brain and action is driving the mitzvot. Other days it’s the heart.
At least that’s how it was explained to me.
Thank you
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