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- This topic has 52 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by Lilmod Ulelamaid.
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August 8, 2016 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #618092jhonny appleseedParticipant
I know a girl who is not OTD but is sort of heading in that direction. How can i help her without giving her the feeling that shes a nebach case?
August 8, 2016 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #1185553showjoeParticipantare you a guy or girl?
August 9, 2016 2:23 am at 2:23 am #1185554Little FroggieParticipantEmail her a link to this thread!!
August 9, 2016 11:31 am at 11:31 am #1185555TheGoqParticipantIf she really is a nebach case you don’t need to tell her because she already knows.
August 9, 2016 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #1185556jewishfeminist02MemberHow well do you know her?
August 10, 2016 3:36 am at 3:36 am #1185557jhonny appleseedParticipantI actually know her very well so i feel like i shouldn’t be the one administering the help but would anyone know of some mentor or something that i could let her know about? shes a young teenage girl.
August 10, 2016 5:21 am at 5:21 am #1185558Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantThere are programs around that provide mentors – where does she live?
August 10, 2016 10:43 am at 10:43 am #1185559TheGoqParticipantFrom your years of experience in such matters please define what sort of heading in that direction means to us laymen, also please define what you consider a nebach case. thank you.
August 10, 2016 6:40 pm at 6:40 pm #1185560PringlesMemberAs a teenager myself, here is my advice. Just be nice. Give her the feeling that you are always there for her. Even to get her out of a mess she has put herself into.
When she decides to change and come back, shell know there is SOMEONE there to help her.
NOBODY can change her. Only she herself has to want to change in order for it to happen. So if she doesn’t want it, don`t bother pushing too hard.
August 10, 2016 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #1185561Lilmod UlelamaidParticipant“As a teenager myself, here is my advice. Just be nice. Give her the feeling that you are always there for her. Even to get her out of a mess she has put herself into.
When she decides to change and come back, shell know there is SOMEONE there to help her.
NOBODY can change her. Only she herself has to want to change in order for it to happen. So if she doesn’t want it, don`t bother pushing too hard.”
Pringle, very well-said!
August 10, 2016 7:36 pm at 7:36 pm #1185562absanParticipantShe is confused and suffering .Thats her cover up…yes she needs a good therapist especialy a frum …there are names that I can mention since I am in this field..but I need to know which neighberhood ..
August 10, 2016 8:50 pm at 8:50 pm #1185563jhonny appleseedParticipantFrom Lakwood!
August 10, 2016 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #1185564Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantabsan- you are probably right, but it doesn’t sound like she would appreciate someone giving her the name of a therapist. Actually, most people wouldn’t unless they asked.
Better to find a program that’s matim to her and won’t make her feel like a nebach case. And then maybe through the program, she will end up going to a therapist.
Maybe there is a summer camp or program that would be matim for her.
How old is she and where does she live?
August 10, 2016 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #1185565jhonny appleseedParticipantSince i am a teenager myself i feel like i can’t be the one to try to help her because she won’t take anything from me but i feel like she could use a responsible adult to talk to since she is not in the greatest of relationships with her parents. nothing bad but i feel like she ignores her parents all the time. personally from what i know her parents are really amazing people who are always helping others!
August 10, 2016 9:43 pm at 9:43 pm #1185566SparklyMemberjhonny appleseed – first step is not talking to her so that way she doesnt talk to boys. ncsy? how do you know shes going otd? the reason why i recommend ncsy since i know people who went completely otd never thought theyd come back on went to ncsy and are now frum again! this is so sad that she doesnt talk to her parents:( i really feel bad when otd people dont talk to their parents. i get happy when they still have a good relationship with their parents but most unfortunately dont.
lilmod ulelamaid – if you gave someone a therapist to talk to theyd be mad with you.
August 10, 2016 9:46 pm at 9:46 pm #1185567Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantRabbi Jacobs has been starting all these programs for kids and teenagers. There is a hotline but it doesn’t sound like she would call it. Maybe you could call to ask them aitza about what to tell her.
I think they were going to be starting a mentoring program, maybe, but I don’t know if they did. I’m not in Lakewood now, but have you seen anything advertised in the local publications?
I know someone I can call to try to find out if there is such a thing.
August 10, 2016 11:10 pm at 11:10 pm #1185568jhonny appleseedParticipantShe’s not OTD but she’s going through a hard time and i’m scared that if she doesn’t get taken care of soon she might end up somewhere that we all don’t want her to be.
August 10, 2016 11:13 pm at 11:13 pm #1185569jhonny appleseedParticipantShes not up to the stage of talking to boys yet but she tells me of some things that she’s done and i’m really scared of where she’ll end up!
August 10, 2016 11:36 pm at 11:36 pm #1185570Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantSparkly: “lilmod ulelamaid – if you gave someone a therapist to talk to theyd be mad with you.”
That was exactly my point!
I wouldn’t recommend NCSY if she’s not talking to boys and she’s from a background where that’s unacceptable. A certain Rav who used to work in NCSY compared it to the Para Aduma – it’s metaher the temaim and metamei the tehorim.
While they do great things and can be great for some people, they can be bad others. This girl does not sound like a good candidate for NCSY.
I am sure that Lakewood has programs for girls like her. I will look into bli neder and get back to you.
August 11, 2016 12:13 am at 12:13 am #1185571jhonny appleseedParticipantI’m so stressed out about it! I feel like maybe i should speak to someone so that i should know how to get her the proper help but I don’t know who to ask!
August 11, 2016 12:19 am at 12:19 am #1185572SparklyMemberjhonny appleseed – dont get scared. calm down. ive dealt with many people before in this kind of situation. First of all how old is she? because theres different stages of teenagehood that otders go thru. what kinds of stuff are you referring to? what kind of hard stuff is she going thru? maybe the school isnt a right fit for her? maybe she needs something else?
August 11, 2016 12:35 am at 12:35 am #1185573Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJohnny, maybe you should call the Lakewood hotline and ask them for advice.
August 11, 2016 1:33 am at 1:33 am #1185574SparklyMemberlilmod ulelamaid – whats the lakewoods hotline?
August 11, 2016 1:53 am at 1:53 am #1185575Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantThere’s a hotline for teenagers. It’s advertised in Lakewood publications. It started recently under the auspices of Rav Yehuda Jacobs. He is also working on a lot of other programs for kids-at-risk. I’m not sure what else there is yet, but I can find out tomorrow, bli neder.
August 11, 2016 3:05 am at 3:05 am #1185576SparklyMemberlilmod ulelamaid – do you give in your name?
August 11, 2016 3:23 am at 3:23 am #1185577Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantI am not sure, but I assume that you can be anonymous. I will try to get more info for you if you want.
August 11, 2016 3:31 am at 3:31 am #1185578SparklyMemberlilmod ulelamaid – okay thanks. please let me know.
August 11, 2016 6:53 pm at 6:53 pm #1185579showjoeParticipantjhonny appleseed – “Shes not up to the stage of talking to boys yet but she tells me of some things that she’s done and i’m really scared of where she’ll end up!”
ur username is jhonny, that is usually a boys name. however you dont sound like your related to her and you said she dosnt talk to boys (and chezchas ksherius, so ill assume, if your a boy, that you dont talk to girls either)
so i ask you again, are you a guy or a girl?
August 11, 2016 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #1185580jhonny appleseedParticipantsorry for not being clear- I’m a girl!
August 11, 2016 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #1185581jhonny appleseedParticipantSparkly: Basically she’s 15 years old and she had a hard time socially in school (i’m lk 1 of her only friends) and her parents are very nice people but they hardly have any time for her! She still dresses normally but i don’t know how long that will last! Also you’re right abt the school part i think her school is too yeshivish for her but i don’t think her parents will let her switch unless it really gets out of hand! Also when you see her in the street you would think she’s a regular bais yaakov girl but some things that she does and things that she says and that she feels really make her sound like she won’t be here much longer!
August 11, 2016 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #1185582SparklyMemberjhonny appleseed – so why is your name johnny?
August 11, 2016 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #1185583Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJA, Sparkly & anyone else who is interested: At the end of this post, I posted 2 links that talk about the hotline.
It is called Regesh, it is anonymous, and the number is: (732) 367-7700.
You don’t have to have a serious problem to call, so she might not be offended if you suggest that she calls as long as you are very careful how you say it. I would also make sure that I brought it up at an appropriate moment in a conversation. For example when she is complaining about something, you can suggest that she call. Or maybe just casually mention that you heard about this great hotline for teens and that you were thinking of calling for advice. IF you do it that way, she won’t feel like a nebach case!
Actually, the best idea would probably be for you to call up and ask them for advice regarding how to help her or how to get her to call. In addition to the fact that they may be able to advise you, you can then casually mention to her that you recently called this hotline for advice and they were really helpful!
It also might be helpful for you to have someone to talk to if you are planning on continuing to try to help her.
Kol Hakavod for caring so much about your friend! It should be with hatzlacha!
Sorry, took out the links
August 11, 2016 11:05 pm at 11:05 pm #1185584Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantI just saw that there is also an email address: [email protected]
August 12, 2016 12:54 am at 12:54 am #1185585absanParticipantShe seems to trust you and tell you things she wouldnt share with anyone else even her parents then she has trust in you.If thats the case you could explain that ,she seems to be going through changes in her life and you are concerned,ask her gently if she would like to speak to someone who would be there for her to listen and help her through..since she trusts you,you could also ask her why she needs to change, but make sure to ask it in a freindship way .You might be pleasntly surprised that she will open up and appreciate the freindship…and your careing… Keep me informed how it went…
August 12, 2016 1:26 am at 1:26 am #1185587Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantIt definitely had links -is that a problem? It also might have been long.
It is important though – this sounds like it could involve pikuach nefesh!
August 12, 2016 1:29 am at 1:29 am #1185588Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantModerators – thanks for putting it back. In terms of the links, they were just articles describing the organization/hotline. If anyone is interested, they can google it (Regesh hotline Lakewood). One article was from The Lakewood Scoop and one was from Tekuma.
August 12, 2016 1:29 am at 1:29 am #1185589Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJA – keep me updated if you can. It should be with Hatzlacha!
August 12, 2016 2:40 am at 2:40 am #1185590SparklyMemberlilmod ulelamaid- i dont need the number thanks. i have no issue with yidishkeit b’h.
jhonny appleseed – what kind of school is it that its too frum for her? for high schoolers to start saying random stuff that they shouldnt say or know about i would be concerned but if shes in college she probably heard it their and just repeats after them. so nothing to worry about. shell marry before you know it and everything will be okay.
August 12, 2016 3:12 am at 3:12 am #1185591Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantSparkly, you wrote this before: “lilmod ulelamaid – okay thanks. please let me know.” And no one said you had an issue with Yiddishkeit. You said you wanted the information – that doesn’t mean you have an issue with Yiddishkeit! Maybe you want it for someone else.
August 12, 2016 3:20 am at 3:20 am #1185592Lefty SoferStamParticipantSparkly-That a heaping plate of balogna. Who will she marry? If she really is imitating what she hears no frum boy will wanna marry her and she’ll marry some “mo” as you would call it. Then I wouldn’t assure she’ll go back the way she should be without a good husband to guide her.
August 12, 2016 3:43 am at 3:43 am #1185593SparklyMemberLefty SoferStam – at least her husband will keep shabbos and kosher better than nothing.
August 12, 2016 4:09 am at 4:09 am #1185594Lefty SoferStamParticipantCan I ask you why before you said “and everything will be okay” and now you say “at least”?
August 12, 2016 4:12 am at 4:12 am #1185595Lefty SoferStamParticipantAnd by the way why do you say “at least” by a husband who will keep shabbos and kosher according to you he is a frum Jew (as you said in another discussion) that would just be wonderful
August 12, 2016 4:51 am at 4:51 am #1185596SparklyMemberLefty SoferStam – im meaning to say that least even if he isnt a yeshivish guy at least his a frum guy. because im talking about 2 different things.
August 12, 2016 3:53 pm at 3:53 pm #1185597absanParticipantthis kid is only 15 and your arguing about marriage how far fetched…it might very well be the kid thats posting might herself be troubled..my suggestion…. if its you or your freind if you are serious of getting help …there are so many people you could talk to if you realy mean to help or get better like teachers ..older sibling…you say her parents are nice people … speak to them beleive you me they are the ones who care the most…they might be shoked but dont worry they love you most and will help you most…hatzlucha
August 12, 2016 4:49 pm at 4:49 pm #1185598SparklyMemberabsan – i was saying marriage if she were older.
October 5, 2016 4:21 pm at 4:21 pm #1185599jhonny appleseedParticipant#THANX
HI Guyz! i was just looking thru stuff and i remembered about this thread! i really hafta thank u guyz for all the wonderful advice!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
JHONNY APPLESEED
October 5, 2016 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #1185600Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJA – has there been any improvement? Did any of the advice here help? Did you try the hotline I mentioned?
October 5, 2016 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #1185601MenoParticipantSooo does that mean the advice helped?
October 5, 2016 9:16 pm at 9:16 pm #1185602SparklyMemberdont assume things the way i talk and act is like someone at risk but i would NEVER go otd chasvichallila.
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