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really important question. I know I obviously have to respect my mother but since I am having major relationship issues because I feel that she treats me like a baby (which at nineteen years old is a big no no).I have issues getting along with her and to put it nicely, more often then not, I have extremely big battles with my yetzer hara and more frequently then not, I lose. any tips on how to deal with this?
I found that if you look at it as she’s my mother and i want to make her happy, its a lot easier. This lets you not focuse on what she does and makes you think about how to make her happy with you
This is a very difficult issue. That is why the Torah considers the mitzva of Kibbud Ov veim very seriously & promises those who keep it a big reward; the Torah acknowledges it is not easy! I sympathise with you, I know you want your freedom to BE and not have your mom patronise you, annoy you, and hold you back from what you want to be doing. At the same time you sound like you WANT to succeed in this & do the right thing. A few points: look at this situation as short term. One day you will be married and have your own life, your Mom will not be able to treat you like she does now. Short term you have a massive mitzva, an opportunity in front of you to honour & respect your Mom and do what SHE wants, & to please her. Who knows, in a few months you could be married and out of her house, and your obligation will be to your husband first, your chance for kibbud eim in this way will be finished. So try make the most of this time. Also, if she treats you like a baby just mentally ignore it. Youre still free to go out and do your own thing, dont let her attitude get to you. You have to let your ego go and put your Moms interests at the front of your mind: try to make her happy. Maybe she will relax a little when you put down the ‘fight’ mode and are agreeable to her. Then she might loosen up a bit. Bend your pride and play her game, try to please her. Keep trying!! It is maddening, I do understand! It is your test from Hashem…I hope He will reward you very well for your efforts, good luck!!
It isn’t easy at all but here is a suggestion for a perspective change –
You get upset with your mom treating you like a baby but being mean to someone because they tell you what to do is a very babyish response. So to give yourself the ‘umph’ you need to resist, tell yourself that a MATURE response would be to do what she says, or explain yourself kindly. Many adults don’t know how to communicate effectively, but it is definitely an adult skill. So when you want to jump in with a hurtful/nasty response because you think you are grown up, tell yourself that that response would only be proving her point. (It is easier to cater to your ego, and then change your motivation, than it is to fight your ego)
At one point I found it helped to write my mother a letter explaining why my feelings on the issue. Then we could discuss it later much more calmly.
Hope that helps.
You’ll miss the day when you no longer have your mother to guide you and care about you. A real yiddishe mame should not necessarily baby you, but should look after you, make sure you’re warm enough, make sure you’re well-fed, etc. A Yiddishe Momme, es gibt nit beser in der velt, oy vey ve bitter ven ze felt.
This issue should be discussed with a Rav that you feel comfortable with as each parent/child relationship is different as each home is. This site may give you personal suggestions but may be far from what you are looking for in terms of answers!
As you grow older and see things differently, you may regret what you may today do or say.
Vogue -It’s time to move out on your own. Get a job, an apt., etc. and you won’t be treated like a baby.
You are at the age when you want your independence and your mother will have to let go of her baby.
Its perfectly natural for there to be a clash there.
Vogue -Take anything.
Syag – great reply, and totally along the lines of my own thinking. Sometimes, in our zeal to BE ourselves, we forget that maybe, just maybe, mom or dad happens to be correct. Being stubborn for its own sake, is not a sign of maturity (not accusing you of that, just making a comment), and sometimes teenagers (even at 19) dig in their heels just so they can say they did it THEIR way. Try seeing things from your mom’s perspective. ALWAYS be respectful, even when you don’t agree.
I promise you, and I know this from personal experience unfortunately, when the time comes after 120 years and your mom is no longer around to give many “helpful suggestions” to you, you would give anything for her to be there, so you could continue to be mechabeid her.
Vogue -“I havent been given any offers yet…”
You don’t need an offer to get a job as a cashier, cleaning lady, etc. Just go and apply.
oomis- as much as you love your mother, kibud av veeim can still be hard. I keep forgetting not to contradict my mother outright when she accidentally mixes something up. I would never manage without my mother, and I love her very much. Despite that, it can still get hard to remember to speak with the proper respect she deserves.
oomis- as much as you love your mother, kibud av veeim can still be hard. I keep forgetting not to contradict my mother outright when she accidentally mixes something up. I would never manage without my mother, and I love her very much. Despite that, it can still get hard to remember to speak with the proper respect she deserves. “
I understand what you are saying. If it were easy however, the reward for it would not be as great. My mom O”H is gone nearly 20 years, and I STILL have much pain and charata over one specific incident between us (and though my argument WAS correct, I know I was absolutely incorrect in how I reacted with her). To this day, when I go to her kever, I ask for mechilah at being so foolishly chutzpahdig. Right or wrong, easy or challenging, we still have the chiyuv of kibud av and eim. When we know there are buttons being pushed by a parent, we need to respectfully step away if we cannot act respectfully. Some parents are harder to deal with than others, but that does not free us from certain obligation. I had to work on this middah in myself (sometimes harder to do than others), and that was despite the fact that my mother was a WONDERFUL, loving person. We just occasionally disagreed. That’s btw, why my motto is “disagree without being disagreeable.”
something that helped me is what is suggested in the igeret haramban book- to take money out of your wallet whenever you raise your voice to your mother or have a fight. (has to be a significant amount that will stop you the next time) gl!
Vogue-
Admittedly, a 19 year old should / must be treated as an adult. Would it be too personal to ask you what your mother does that you consider being treated like a baby. I know that answering this question puts you at risk of being judged for your perspective. As a former 19 year old child of my parents, & the current parent of similarly aged children, I think it would be helpful to hear that perspective from you.
It’s not an issue of right or wrong. Don’t wait for your mother to ask – volunteer. Say ‘I’m going out with my friends, we’ll be back around 9.” “I’ll call if we’re running late.” Offer information. Ask her opinion. If your mother feels that you’re including her in your plans and decisions, she may relax a little. (also, if you give her more information than she asks for, she may not be bothered at the little details that are left out.)
To the Mother of our 19 year old online friend,
We, the undersigned internet friends of your daughter, pray that you take these words to heart. We wish you much success and happiness with your family.
Sincerely,
“left to write” (screen name). Parent of 5 post-teenagers.
Hey folks, feel free to append your screen names to the above. Vogue, show it to your mom. Maybe just print it out & leave it for her to see.
left to right +1
I disagree with the letter. You have no idea what Vogue’s mother’s side of the story is, and it’s unfair to make her out to be the villain based on her daughter’s posting.
Vogue should write her own letter to her mother, as I suggested above.
Torah613,
Villain? Unfair? I didn’t give her mother one word of tochocha or musar or criticism. I spoke as one caring parent would speak to another, and, having “been there, done that” 5 times, (6 if you include me as the teen) I spoke from years of experience. Vogue can show the letter to her mother, leave it for her to find (she’ll probably take the hint), use it as ideas or inspiration to write her own, or chizuk for self-confidence or just ignore it. (She’s an adult. She can decide for herself.) And even if the entire episode is off the mark, I still think it’s a nice letter.
Solution: make aliyah! 🙂
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