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Hi. I’m a 16 year old girl and I wanted to know something from a parents point of view. As a parent, whats it like for you if you find out that your son/ daughter is hanging out with guys/ girls. Or is watching bad movies or listening to bad music etc…? Does it really pain you as much as everyone says or is that just a farce to get us, teenagers, to feel guilty? Can you please be honest with me because I want to know how my parents feel- without having to ask them myself? Thanks.
Do you think your parents love you? Do they show you? Do they give you the things you need? If your answers to these questions are yes, then seeing you do things that are not good for you (whether you understand/believe this or not) pains them terribly. Unfortunately there are people out there for whom it is difficult to express their emotions and show love to their close ones. I am sure such a situation would bring them pain as well, but they may not be able to show or express it easily or at all.
I’ll give you a small example. Two boys were playing and one of them ran in the street and was almost hit by a car. Two men were walking close by. One man continued walking and the other ran over and screamed at the boy for several minutes. Why do you think he screamed at the boy? Because he’s his father. A stranger could hardly care less and even an acquaintance would not feel comfortable disciplining the boy. Only his father, out of his tremendous love for the boy, who became so frightened when he saw his son almost killed by the car, chastised his son and made him understand how important it is to be careful near the street and cars.
I hope this story makes it a little clearer. Even if your parents act in an angry way, there is a motivation of love. It may be deep down and there may unfortunately be other emotions within them, but they do love you and it does pain them to see you doing things that will hurt you in the long run.
Danish
I had a sibling who was doing those things you mentioned. It really pained my parents. I know my mother cried many times due to to her pain and anguish over that child. No, I think all frum parents who themselves care about yiddishkiet are very deeply pained by their children not going in the Torah way. I would assume that if you do these things and don’t come from a “modern” family then this causes your parents lots of pain and can really affect Shalom Bayis. That’s not the main reason you should stop but it should be a motivator to get back on track. Ifa child truly took to heart how much hakaras hatov they owe their parents for EVERYTHING that the parents gave and continue to give them from the second they were born then we would have a lot less kids straying from the path. (Not taking into account kids who were abused and molested or what not, just regular kids giving in to their curiosity and yetzer hora to taste the forbidden fruit.)
There’s no single correct answer. It depends on the level of sincerity of the parents.
Mods, could you please change the word “adults” in the title of this thread to “parents.”
Not all adults are parents, and it could be painful for someone who is childless to open this thread and discover it is really directed to parents and not all adults.
Thank you.
You should definitely talk to them. They love you and want you to be happy and if you’re doing those things because you’re unhappy, perhaps they can help you figure out why. Just maybe don’t tell that hanging out with the other gender if you don’t want them chopping your friends legs off.
Danish: here’s a question for you:
When you work hard on something, and invest energy and effort, do you like to see results? Or do you like to see the project fail. Or even with a test. When you study for a test, do you like to do well, or do you feel good if you fail?
Presumably, you like to do well, and accomplish your goal. Whatever that was.
Every parent has a dream. They want their child to grow up b’darchei hashem. And in the ways of our mesorah. They invest all their energy and effort in trying to ensure that this happens. they spend time and money. they give of themselves emotionally and mentally. all in order to achieve this goal.
When they see their child not following the path they would have liked, of course it pains them. Because they put 16 years worth of energy into you. They still love you. I’m sure that you’ve learned that ???? comes from the root ??, which means to give. Love is created through giving. And they gave. A lot. Whether it was obvious or not. They may not have an easy time displaying their love and feelings openly. So it may be hard for you to see that they are constantly giving. But even if you think of it just in the physical sense, they’re giving. And that creates love. So they love you. The more they love you, the more painful it is for them that you are not going in the path that they would have liked. That doesn’t change their feelings towards you. But I’m sure that they are in a lot of pain and davening that you be able to resolve the internal conflict you are having and that you should have the menuchas hanefesh and menuchas haguf required in order to follow in the ways they would want.
Well, sometimes it pains the parents because they want what is best for the child and think this is not what is best for them.
Sometimes it pains the parents because they see themselves living vicariously through their children infinitely and so they want their kids to live lives they approve of.
Sometimes it pains the parents because they think that other people’s opinions of them are based on how well they raised their perfect family.
It sounds like you get the feeling from your parents that it is one of the latter two reasons, and not the former. Unfortunately, that is quite common, and if you feel that way, it is probably true in your case.
The reason you should not do these things is NOT because it bothers your parents. Your job in life is not to make your parents happy; it is not to bring nachas to your parents; it is not to give them feelings of immortality and peer-recognition. Your job is to live your own life.
In living your own life, you certainly should take guidance from your parent’s values; if they think something is very important–it very well may be.
I personally think you should not be doing the activities you discuss, and I think so because I think doing so will hurt you in both the long and short run. I think you know how harmful it will be as far as your personal and family relationships, and the fact that you still want to do them says to me that there is some even stronger pain you think you will solve by doing them. I think you should speak to someone about that.
Well said PBA
+1 PBA (Wish there was a like button)
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Danish123,
Yes, it truly pains me that my children are not conducting their lives in a Torah-true manner. The pain that I express is not a farce to instill guilt. The pain that I show is not nearly as much pain as I feel. My children are hurting themselves, spiritually, socially, sometimes even physically. I disagree with the statement above that your job is to live your own life. With all due respect, at 16 you don’t really know how to live your own life. Parents are there to teach by example, by word & by deed how to live a Torah-successful life. That’s why Hashem chose Avrohom; He knew that Avrohom would teach his children the derech Hashem (see Ber 18:19). I disagree the statement above, “Well, sometimes it pains the parents because they want what is best for the child and __think this is not what is best for them__”. Being OTD, even in only one or two behaviors, is never “the best for them”. Parents, having had more life experiences than their children, are better equipped to be “ro-eh es ha-nolad”. It hurts us to think that our children are veering in the wrong direction. And if one will say it is good to learn from one’s mistakes, it is better to be righted when only slightly off course than to have to come back from devastation. I disagree with the statement above that it is not a child’s job to make their parents happy or to give them nachas. One of the foundations of Yiddishkeit is the concept of hakoras hatov. If you can’t follow the teachings & desires of your parents to walk in the ways of the Torah because YOU truly want to, then do it because THEY want you to, & “mitoch lo lishma, ba lishma”. In the end you will benefit.
You asked for an honest answer. I shared with you honestly. May I ask you a question: Will any of our answers have an effect on your decisions?
B’ahava.
left to write – love it.
All the other posters were pretty eloquent and I think you got the message… Parents really do care. Some do not express their caring well, but in their heart of hearts they really all want the best way of life for their kids.
I just want to add that for many of us parents who did not grow up so “to the right” and maybe had tv’s at home, or watched a movie now and then, and then tried to convince their children that their lives were so much better without these “evils”… well, I sympathize with the kids who can’t quite figure out how what was accepted in frum circles a mere generation ago gets you thrown out of Yeshiva now. The frum oilam has taken quite a leap – a very necessary one, I might add, but I’m old and I understand why I don’t have a tv! There needs to be a kosher outlet for kids that can compete with what they feel they’re lacking. Any ideas?
Well said, PBA.
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