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I went out with a girl a few times and I like her but how does one know that she’s the one you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with?
Isn’t it a big risk committing to marriage after only knowing the person for a few weeks? I see some marriages end up miserably. is there any way of ensuring that won’t happen?
Any input would be much appreciated.
“Isn’t it a big risk committing to marriage after only knowing the person for a few weeks? “
Yes
“is there any way of ensuring that won’t happen?”
No.
That having been said – all of life is a risk. You do your hishtadlus the best you can (due diligence), and try to make informed choices before you act. Some things are felt in the gut, not in the mind. I believe STRONGLY in getting to know someone more than just a few weeks before taking such a step as getting married. You would take more time picking out a new car than many people take picking a spouse. Soem people DO know right away, and they have wonderful, happy marriages. Others go out for months (and in some cases, YEARS) and the marriage is l’chatchilah not a good one.
Moreover, people can change with time. They grow, they are affected by life experiences in both a positive or negative way. They rarely remain exactly as they were when they were first dating.
We have to be able to adapt and grow with each other. There are NO guarantees of a happy marriage. But there is ONE guarantee in a Jewish home. Without a proper Torah foundation, and without the willingness to grow together, be flexible and willing to compromise, to be moichel on one’s wishes and kovod from time to time, a marriage has a very poor shot of lasting.
Talk more. Take your time. Talk about your future with children – what you want to achieve , what each of you would do in do in certain circumstances, how you would deal with certain issues.
Who cares? You can always get divorced.
Look, people who get married and divorced with a few kids at least jave a normal life. They have kids, they have grandkids,they can wear a talis, they are normal. They tried.
Wrong. only popa is normal.
2 things need to happen:
When it gets to the point that:
1) You realize that there is no reason to reject the person you have to accept them.
2) You determine that this person will truly be able to help you become the best possible you. Because that kind of respect lasts forever.
If you have to ask the CR, she’s probably not right for you.
If you are asking the CR, you are probably not ready to get married. Life will be a series of decisions, the CR is. Of the place for hadracha or advice. If you do not realize that, you are probably not ready for marriage.
haifa girl your right. in England we go out average 3-4 times in one week and get engaged. never do we go out more than 3 times and then say no. devorce rates are no different here so…………. whos wrong you or us????
Shlomo Hamelech had 1000 wives and not one of them was right for him. This is the way of the world, like it or leave.
There really are no guarantees, but no one here will be able to tell you what to do. It’s something you will feel in your gut. If you are being pressured to make a decision and you are not sure, changes are its probably not the best match.
If I may, I would like to put my (inexperienced) two cents in.
One can’t know if the person they are dating is the person they are MEANT to spend the rest of their life with. What they can know however, is whether they FEEL/CONCLUDE this is someone they can spend the rest of their life with or not.
Lots of wisdom here in the CR today. Yossi Z, – well put.
Thank you oomis 🙂
R klonimus kalman wesselburger – so are u saying that u guys are just as happy married as people who take more time? Maybe it is just because divorce is a bigger stigma in England…
In www. artscroll under the Browse Categories Section then under Self Help section then under Dating and Marriage there are several interesting books including this one:
A father’s wise guidance for wholesome human relationship, a happy marriage, and a serene home
By Eliyohu Goldschmidt (Author) Rabbi Nosson Scherman (Foreword by)
Special note : See the excerpt on the definition of “love” right on your computer by “turning the pages”.
To Lemony Snicket
Over the years I have seen what I thought to be the most incompatible couple have a happy and vice versa as well.
This is the most important decision you will make in your life and you should give yourself enough time to make an unhurried and thought out decision.
You have to realistically put down on paper in order of priority what you consider important in a spouse. Whether that list you produce should be the list to use is not the point here.
Assuming you know what is really important in a spouse you can then determine how the other person measures based on your priorities. If she scores on most of them then go for it.
Do you look forward to seeing and speaking to her or do you feel that it is a mechanical process you are going through?
You are silent as to how the other person behaves towards you. Does she exhibit excitement when you go out together? Don’t forget. She is also keeping a cheshban as well.
You should daven for siyattah dishmaya and may HKB”H give you chonein daas to make the right decision.
One thing I can can guarantee. Do not make your decision primarily on physical looks. Looks are very important but there are some very beautiful people out there who are not necessarily the best looking people.
I have seen some very good looking divorced men and women.
Remember one thing.The best shidduch is where each person thinks they are getting the better deal.
R kk wesselburger, if the divorce rate is indeed no different in England, then that must mean that everyone should just date in the manner of their choosing, because the result is the same. A very good point, I must say. 🙂
If there is no difference in divorce rate between couples that went out 3 times or 9 times or 21 times before engagement, everyone ought to go out three times since any more is a waste.
A waste of what, exactly?
I think you shouldn’t date too much to the extent that it turns into a casual relationship… Although three dates is far too little to know that that girl or guy is for sure suited to you… It definitely works for some pple… But Im more than sure that their are doubts there after commitment from the three dates….
Time. (And untznius.)
Then how long do you suggest people wait after the engagement to have the wedding? (You’re going to have to clarify the “untznius” comment, as I don’t understand how that is related to wasting.)
It depends. If they won’t be seeing each other much between engagement and wedding, it can be long. If they will be often in touch, it ought to be as short as possible. It isn’t tznius for a boy and girl to hangout much (even if they are engaged.)
Why can it be long? If you get engaged quickly so as not to waste time, then why are you allowed to waste it later?
lemonysnicket – hope we helped. Also hope to hear besoros tovos from you at the right time!!!
The waste was a reference to the lack of tznius. Perhaps a better term could be used. The waste of time is secondary. Maybe I even retract that part. The main concern is lack of tznius which can cause “waste” v’hameivin yavin.
Lemon- make sure there’s a reason why you’re marrying her not that there just isn’t a reason not to marry her. Also, something I’ve heard from a friend, do you like her the way she is without her ever changing? Do you want to be like her? Will you be proud If your children turn to be just like her? You gotta have three YES’s to marry a girl.
Above all the advice you got here, most important is advice from a mentor in real life that knows you well. Tell them all that your feeling and don’t holdback anything. I had some things bothering me while engaged and didn’t really bring it up and got married and quickly divorced , if something is on your mind talk to someone about it until you’re completely comfortable.
Hatzlacha
From what I read on aish.com and from what I heard from a lecture by Rabbi Orlofsky, both mention that a very important factor when deciding who to marry is do you have similar goals and values and similar hashkafa. –
For example, I’m very into kiruv and having Shabbos guests and want my husband to be into it also. Do you want to make aliya? Work or learn or both? Can you live simply or do you want luxury? Think how you want to raise your kids. – when you know what your goals and values are, you look for that in the other.
R’ Orlofsky said something beautiful that the purpose to marry is to build a small mishkan, a home of holiness. Even mundane things like housework can be holy because we are doing what we need to for our home. Plus, each spouse should focus on their own effort, instead of what they expect from the other. And we need to be there for each other in order to be strong
“The waste was a reference to the lack of tznius. Perhaps a better term could be used. The waste of time is secondary. Maybe I even retract that part. The main concern is tznius”
It’s both. It’s definitely a lack of tznius to date for too long. But it’s also a waste of emotions because if it goes on that long someone’s feeling something.
Spend an entire day with her and see if either of you get bored a couple hours in.
If you can picture living the rest of your life with her then she could be the right one.
If you are already sick of her, forget it.
“Spend an entire day with her”
Bad, bad, bad idea. What did my dad say when I was engaged? ‘Overexposure with limited opportunity leads to frustration.’ Yep.
And I’m not only saying what you think I’m saying. Guys will feel claustrophobic if they feel spend too much time with a woman. They feel they are losing their own sense of self. Leave the full-day dates for after the wedding.
***side comment***
interjection – I don’t know if the comment was passed on to you or not but I find a lot of your comments very inspirational. Thanks.
*** resume ***
Whats the problem? pray to G-d long enoungh and he will guide you!
Look, people who get married and divorced with a few kids at least jave a normal life. They have kids, they have grandkids,they can wear a talis, they are normal. They tried.
I know this has absolutely no connection, but I can’t resist. Most of us good Yekkes wear a Tallis without trying!!!
[BTW – I would give tons of advice, but i am still only 16, so what do i know anyway?]
I’m only twenty but I think that if the relationship doesn’t get to the point where each of them feels comfortable to talk freely with the other you never really get to know him/her.
is it more_2’s cousin? break it off quick!
“if the relationship doesn’t get to the point where each of them feels comfortable to talk freely with the other you never really get to know him/her.”
How well do you think people have to know each other before they get married? Besides the talking shouldn’t be too flowy when you’re dating.
Dating is for making sure your values are in sync with each other and that you have similar enough backgrounds that you will respect the other. Engagements are there for the exclusive purpose of having enough time to pull together a wedding. I don’t believe engagements nor dating are a time to build relationships. That should only be worked on once married.
Interjection
In non chassidic dating where there are 6 or more dates before engagement and usually dates are 3 hours minimum sometimes 4-5 hours a certain level of “comfort” should be established. If that isnt happening then theres no chemistry and that can be a very strong indication to look elsewhere. Yes, like you said above the goals and values must be in sync but thats not enough to get engaged on. The personalities have to click.
Parents know best. Klal Yisroel has trusted the wisdom of our parents in choosing our marriage mates. It’s worked for millenia and always will.
My feeling is that as long as there are good midos on both sides, then they’re compatible.
Look, no matter how much effort you put into finding the right one there are always going to be unforeseen differences, and many of them will probably be major. You do your best to limit them as much as you can before you get married, but there will always be something.
What makes the couple compatible is that they are willing to forego their desires and change their ways for the sake of building a bayis ne’eman. As long as that is there any problem is surmountable.
Interjection:
Sometimes when people are conversing each one is carefully thinking about each word they say so as not to give off the wrong image. In such a case you really don’t get to connect to his/her true personality. I was suggesting that maybe dates should continue until you can be sure you have passed that stage.
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