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how do you get over a guy you were dating seriously?? its a few months and i am still holding on.
You should probably recognize that it isn’t bashert and that Hashem is saving you from possible disaster.
it’s so hard. honestly, you probably wont be 100% over him until you find a new better guy. that will give you the ultimate clarity that the old one wasn’t as good. but trust me, you WILL find a better guy!! So many people go through this. Your case is NO different.
shidduch – Let me tell you, people tell you to get over it and it’s been so long already you should just grow up. But you formed an emotional bond with the guy so it’s not going to be easy. As much as people say they know how hard it must be….they don’t unless they’ve been in a similar situation. They say that time heals all. I broke my engagement a few months ago. It’s not easy. I still see his face sometimes when I close my eyes and random things remind me of him. It’s definitely not easy. Give yourself time.
Diddo to WIY.
From a guy’s point of view: As much as you got to be so close with that person, you have to realize that spending the rest of your life with him/her is a very specific match for you. Things may look good in the exterior and you set your mind on him/her, it still may not be the best shidduch for you. Who plans this all? Nobody but Hashem! Not the shadchan, the parents, or the dater him/her self.
I wish you & all daters much hatzlacha & should find their bashert b’karov mamish!
It hurts, it really hurts, but you have to push past that. talking to good friends about your shattered dreams helps for a time, but then you really should start dating again and moving on. hatzlocha.
Is he the one that said NO? If so unless you were really rude,
It’s NOT Bashert!!!
He has a bechirah and if it wasn’t your direct fault, then it’s just not for you. There is no point in looking for something thats not for you. Like you wouldn’t wear a shoe thats two sizes smaller. (well maybe some women would at least buy it) 🙂
If however, YOU were the one who said No and you’re having second thoughts, then I really suggest you review the reasons that lead to your decision making sure It wasn’t based on any foolishness.
Sometimes older girls who are so used to being alone find it hard to commit to a partner who would then have a say in their(her)lives (life). Fear of commitment, sometimes for a very good reason, for instance already opening up to a guy that then went ahead and left her hanging when it got serious or a going through a broken engagement or divorce due to picking the wrong guy, or being mislead by him.
Be that as it may, the past only teaches us to learn from our mistakes and be more careful, not to give up entirely, or shut out or shut down ones possible chance of happiness.
So be careful, but don’t let a good thing go, for fear.
Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Hatzlacha Rabboh!
When we daven for the right shidduch we daven that Hashem should send us the right one and we should recognize and feel it. If it isn’t the right one we should be protected form making the wrong decision.
Please Hashem put the feeling in my heart, please bring us together if it is the right one and protect me form falling for the wrong one.
If we really say it and mean it, then when we get a “not for now” reply we are grateful for the Hashgacaha pratis of Hashem that protected me.
Shidduch Girl -“how do you get over a guy you were dating seriously?? its a few months and i am still holding on.”
Trust me this isn’t one of the hardest challenges. What I went through is a little bit harder. How do you get over an -ex that you were married to for many years and have kids with?
I’d switch places with you any day of the week. It might be hard for you right now, but try to put things in perspective.
Rejection is Hashem’s protection.
health – I’m sure you feel that way but telling her that is like a slap in the face. she wants to feel validated that what she is feeling is normal. When someone breaks a leg they don’t want to be told hey I broke both legs so be happy.
having been through a broken engagement…I found keeping busy is very helpful…I don’t think its possible to completely forget about him, because random things will remind you about him…Hatzlacha Rabba!!
Shidduch Girl: They say moving on just takes time. He obviously wasn’t the right one. When you meet someone who is, then this previous relationship won’t matter anymore. Until then, it’s just a matter of fighting through it and waiting for the right time.
postsemgirl -“health – I’m sure you feel that way but telling her that is like a slap in the face.”
It seems that you have a lot of self pity and this is why you sympathize with her and attacked me. I didn’t slap anyone in the face, not you or her!
“she wants to feel validated that what she is feeling is normal.”
I actually did validate & empathize with her. Let me refresh your memory: “It might be hard for you right now, but try to put things in perspective.”
“When someone breaks a leg they don’t want to be told hey I broke both legs so be happy.”
Your comparison is quite off. The difference between me and you two is like night and day! Life can be a lot more challenging than what you two are experiencing; so I’ll repeat – It might be hard for you two right now, but try to put things in perspective!
way to get over the breakup- if you aren’t involved in Chessed do something for people in need. Volunteer there are a lot of people who can use any help, kids who need tutoring or other help, single moms need help etc.
I think only time will help and when you meet someone else.
Travel – vacation, if you can would be good also.
health – you are right about putting into perspective. But I’m sure she isn’t interested in hearing people say “Hashem loves you, yours is on its way, just hold on, there are people in worse situations.”
I don’t know what is the right thing to say.
Don’t make this about me.
health- im beginning to understand.
How do you get over a brother who died when he was 10? You don’t.(This did not happen to me. I’m just using this as an example.) But we all have a job to do in this world so we get on with it. You say you can’t get over the guy you were dating. So don’t. Just continue doing what you were put in this world to do, and you’ll be fine.
I Think most of you are being insensitive to her feelings. Right now this is her nisayon and she needs to get over it, which i.y.H. she will.As with all emotional pain, time will heal. Hoping you meet your basherte very soon!
Health, not to diminish your pain in any way, BUT each to his own, hearing that someone is worse off never made any nisoyon easier for me.SHE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO GO ON WITH HER LIFE,AS YOU ALSO SHOULD.
a mamin – thank you for advocating. SG and postsem – Dr. Twerski says that pain is our signal to grow. You will learn alot about yourself now, strenghths and weaknesses, and priorities too. Don’t worry about paying attention to it or working on it, just heal and you will notice it when you have the strength to turn around and look backwards. Meanwhile, I wish you hatzlacha and koach.
The way I do it is like this. Even when I like the girl a lot and she ends it, I say, well if she don’t like me, oh boy do I not like her.
Do you really want to spend ur life with someone you like but doesn’t like you??
While he may not have said it completely, I think Health meant that it is a good thing that SG did not get further into the relationship, get married, have children, and have years invested into something that was not the right thing for her. I don’t think it’s a matter of that other people have harder situations, but that SHE herself could have been in a much harder situation. I’m not suggesting she should be grateful to be suffering, but, by keeping things in perspective, she will hopefully find her bashert soon and move on with a clean slate.
SG, I think you asked about what does “bashert” mean. I was under the impression that the meaning in most cases is “meant to be”, that Hashem means this is what is supposed to happen. So in this case, your bashert is the one who is meant to be your partner in life. I have also heard of the concept that we have more than one bashert depending on where we are holding in our lives, and I’m not sure how that goes along with the concept of bechira. Maybe bechira has only to do with choosing to do mitzvos or aveiros, maybe someone with more hashkafa can give some more insight.
Hatzlacha getting through your nisayon.
Shidduch girl
If after a few months you are still hanging on you should speak to someone older and wiser who knows about Shidduchim. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but there is a good chance this is an infatuation of some sort. You need to talk it out with someone and see why you are hanging on and what it is about this guy that you just can’t unhook yourself.
“hearing that someone is worse off never made any nisoyon easier for me”
+1
You should hire someone to kill him. That should help get you past it.
SG -“health u should try this as well y did u use urself as the example and not a different case, cause ur also x over it maybe u also need this”
Btw, it’s not possible to be over it because this is something I deal with everyday, not just something in the past. But I definitely have moved forward since that time of the original occurance. Remember once they are your kids -they are your kids. You just don’t move on. You just try to deal with the situation at hand as best as possible.
To postsemgirl also – You’re very lucky, even though you don’t realize it. You can just move on -the only thing holding you back is yourself! G-luck.
Health: I hear you….. I will give you the same advice I was given by Rabonim/Dayanim in reference to one of my children who is divorced.
He had a child who has and is continuously being turned against him from day 1.(after the divorce)
Doing this to a poor child is messing him up for life! They tell me just be patient he will grow up one day and everything will turn around , and he will see his father for who he really is. The parent who does this couldn’t care less about their child only revenge!
I know this is all easier said than done…. but blood is thicker than water!
i dated a girl who i loved more than any other girl. she was in my eyes perfect. When the shadchan said that she didn’t want to continue i was very confused and hurt. everything went so nice. why did she reject me? i knew i had to go on with my life but i couldn’t get her out of my mind.
a year later we went out again, got engaged and are happily married now with kids b”h.
i don’t want to get your hopes up, but the bottom line is Hashem gave me my bashert in its proper time, and not a year earlier.
there’s one for everyone out there and yours will come your way too. May Hashem send your bashert quickly and we should hear only simcha from u b’itto, U’vizmano.
Thanks health
It might help to notice when you are thinking about him. If you are on a date with another, does it come up if the conversation begins to lag, etc? Nature abhors a vacuum, and so, you might, unwittingly, be seeking to fill that vacuum with someone who fits the bill “better”. What are the qualities that you keep coming back to, that you want? Think of him as a set of qualities, not him specifically.
It’s really tough when you begin to obsess about a person. You really might need help to practice the skills to get over this, or it could interfere with future shidduchim. Please, don’t sit on your laurels and wait for time to heal this. I know from personal experience and from that of a very close friend who spent years doing exactly what you described that some people have a harder time than others letting go. It might be difficulty with loss in general that makes some hold on longer than others. I know someone who obsessed with a past shidduch long after the other person got married. You may think that that’s not you, but you have no way of knowing. Neither did she. If it’s interfering with your life it’s time to get help. You have to work on getting over it (or you might find yourself reverting to old habits (obsessing/comparing) if conflicts/problems arise in your future marriage (which they will; they always do).
i date a guy , few months ago…
after the first date he said no for a “not valid ” reason. some people spoke with him and …nothing.
I was ok with that…and i try to see what i can learn of this “story”.
But sometimes, honnestly often ,i remember him , and some of his middos tovos, that i don’t see in every guy i can met or correspond to me..and i regret the fact we can’t go out another date and say yes/no clearly…
now i’m thinking about that , every day … i think , Hashem had His reasons, but its difficult to totaly forget this…
I’m *bumping* this thread up because I just discovered it and it hit home. Next month it’ll be two years since my engagement broke. Everyone told me the pain would decrease with time. The memories are slowly fading, but the flashbacks are still there.
I just wanted to give a pat on the back to all those that are suffering the pain of a breakup. It’s not easy, not for guys and not for girls. I was told that one day “You’ll look back at this time and laugh”. That’s ridiculous. I will never laugh at a time when I was in so much pain, I will look back and see why I had to go through it.
Stay Strong Everyone! (Talking to myself here as well..)
I went through this a long time ago-it was a very serious relationship and i was totally involved. When it was over i really felt like my life was over-i know that sounds dramatic but that is the way i felt-i wallowed and obsessed-it was terribly painful-everybody was telling me to move on, and that i will grow-and forget etc, and they were all true, but i had to be ready to listen and internalize all the lessons, it’s not like i didn’t know they were right, it just had to come from me and in the right time-so keep on trying to work your way up to being able to deal, don’t beat yourself up for a bad day here and there, eventually you will be ready for tricks like ‘change the tape- don’t let yourself think about it, if it comes to mind just have 10 scenes ready that you can substitute. read the books that are out there like Trust Me, and you will see that u will have s’yatta d’shmaya and forge ahead. It will also help your tefillos as you will know what it felt like to be bent, imprisoned, and desperate, and you will thank Hashem for helping you to overcome. You should also try to be practical and accept the reality that you have to meet someone else, and the best way to be a desirable shidduch, is by being b’simcha and showing a warm and together picture to the world. This is a good motivation to help you show control, and acting in control is strong motivation for being in control. I wish you the best and may you find your true zivug b’karov.
I have been there and done that. It is painful, can even feel like a death (it kind of is – the death of a relationship, the death of the potential for a life with the other person). No one can tell you, “It’s for the best. It wasn’t bashert. Better now than later…” All those things are TRUE, but it is hard for you to hear that right now. The only thing that will help you is time, distance, and a new relationship with the person with whom you are truly meant to be.
I feel tremendous empathy for you right now. It was very hard for me to get over my broken relationship, which was just short of engagement. Thinking of it what I went through then, STILL causes a momentary twinge. And that was something that happened 40 years ago. But had I not gone through that pain, I would not have grown from it, and would not have been ready for the relationship that was ultimately meant for me.
I am married almost 35 years to a wonderful man, very different in many ways from the other guy. And I thank Hashem for that. because after all these decades, I can appreciate how lucky I am. I hope you meet the right person for you very soon. But even mroe than that – I hope you will keep your mind and heart open, so that when you DO meet him, you won’t be afraid of jumping into the water again.
a mamin i totally agree with you- when someone is going through hardship, they don’t want to hear about other ppls hardships. that does not help.
the decision to be happy and move forward must come from within. No one can tell you to do it- it won’t be real. and then eventually, u’ll fall back.
and popa- i think you were trying to be funny, but sometimes, it just doesn’t work. that was not appropriate for this situation, and it doesn’t help. i think if you don’t have something even halfway intelligent to say, please keep it to yourself.
shidduch girl and post sem- wishing you both hatzlacha in finding your basherts (which should be b’karov, and with clarity of thought, and with confidence in your decision), and i hope that you overcome this challenge with flying colors and continue to live a life full of happiness and bracha, and plenty, and health, and the Yad Hashem should be with you in everything you do.
~{] *YC* [}~
seeallsides:
“You should also try to be practical and accept the reality that you have to meet someone else, and the best way to be a desirable shidduch, is by being b’simcha and showing a warm and together picture to the world.”
Absolutely. It took awhile to realize that, but thank god I have.
oomis1105:
“It is painful, can even feel like a death (it kind of is – the death of a relationship, the death of the potential for a life with the other person).”
Interesting, that’s exactly what my therapist at the time told me. That’s exactly what it felt like. Something inside me died along with the relationship.
No One Mourns The Wicked – “Interesting, that’s exactly what my therapist at the time told me. That’s exactly what it felt like. Something inside me died along with the relationship.”
And if this is the case in your situation can you imagine how much more it is when your child dies and/or you get divorced?
Or for that matter Health if you never get married.
Health:
“And if this is the case in your situation can you imagine how much more it is when your child dies and/or you get divorced?”
God Forbid, but yeah I hear ya :-/
Goq:
*Sigh*, one day in the distant future….verrrrrrry distant, We’ll all have our question for G-d. Save me a spot 😀
The Goq -“Or for that matter Health if you never get married.”
I’m not sure if it was you, but did you say you’re not married because you can’t have kids? I know of two people (males) who couldn’t have kids but got married anyway. One married a divorcee with kids. The other, I’m not sure of the story because he is just an acquaintance.
A person should Never Ever give up on getting married!
Health i didnt ask you to analyze why i am single the fact remains that there are people in our community who may never marry.
the goq -“the fact remains that there are people in our community who may never marry.”
Yes, but we will never know whom they are until they pass on.
What is your point?
I am aware of some of your pekel Health and i empathize with you don’t i deserve the same from you?
Goq -“I am aware of some of your pekel Health and i empathize with you don’t i deserve the same from you?”
And I do empathize. My point above of -“A person should Never Ever give up on getting married!” is “Kol Zman ShehaNer Doilek Efsher L’Taken. It’s never too late. A person should keep trying as long as they can.
Shidduch Girl – been a month since we heard from you – How are you? I hope you are doing better!
shidduch girl- I am going thru the exact same thing as you…
its so difficult; just about everything reminds me of him.
I too compare every date to him…
its been 4 months and im not over it, i dont think I will ever be completely over it until I meet someone else (thats what im told)
But, the one thing that did help me is reading the Garden of Emunah. It really made me realize that Hashem has his reasons for everything, even though we have no way of understanding why this happened. obviously I get down often, but being depressed isnt going to change anything… i just remind myself that Hashem has a plan for me, and I cant wait to find out whats in store for my future : )
Shidduch girl and emunah girl, and anyone else in this situation….
All I can say is that I read once that if you are in such a situation, it means that person was not the one designated to be your life’s bliss.
If you try to think of that, and then ask yourself why would you want to be emotionally tied up with one not going to bring you you happiness, it may mitigate the problem.
In general, people should realize what a delicate thing dating is for many people, and should not take it lightly.
Again, if the person was nice and you had nice dates, but they are shopping around, then their fickleness is something you would not want to build your life upon in a marriage.
I wish both you, and everyone else in this situation, to find the most fantastic person for you this year who is wonderful beyond your wildest expectations!!
Hatzlacha rabbah!
There’s an expression I once heard was used by the Ibn Ezra:
‘Mah Sheyaase Hazman, Yaase Hasesechel’ meaning ‘Make your intellect do (for you) what (the passage of) time will (anyway) do.’
It’s very hard but it puts control of your emotional reaction into your own hands.
Hatzlachah Rabah.
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