Tipping when the service is terrible. (or not there at all)

just watched a speech by rabbi wallerstien and he said that youre not tipping for the other person really. youre tipping for yourself, to instill the middah of hakoras hatov in yourself.

I would probably leave a very small tip for the hakoras hatov aspect that was mentioned, but the small amount would be indicative of my displeasure. I would ONLY do this if it was in fact clear that it WAS the food server’s fault, i.e. they had “attitude” or the like. Sometimes things get really hectic in a restaurant, or they are unexpectedly short-staffed, or there is a kitchen emergency of some kind. That is not the server’s fault.

Since we live in a society where the tipping is NOT tip-ically (pun intended) built into the price (and personally I detest that practice and try to avoid such places that do it), and the wait staff is seriously underpaid (yeah, yeah, I know that’s not OUR fault), the tips are very much wanted, needed, and appreciated by the staff. I would not stiff someone, knowing how much they rely on the tips for a part of their parnassah. If the practice offends one, then he should only patronize the places that have built in tips when they see the bill. Usually those places add 18%, as opposed to the 15% that I add to my payment (20% if the service was truly outstanding), and we always try to go up to the next dollar, and even one more.

RKT, what you describe sounds liek really shoddy service. I would send a note to the owner/manager, a few days later and vent. I would not want my specific waiter/waitress to lose a job because of me, but it might make them have a talk with ALL their staff about improving customer service.

I typically tip 15-20 %. However, if not just the service, but the attitude is unpleasant and lacking, I would leave a very small tip, and I would say out loud that I usually give more but found the experience unpleasant. That way, you’ve done what IS socially accepted, and made a point this waitress will remember, which is act minimally generous, get minimal.

OP I have the perfect solution simply eat at home. I am not being sarcastic. When you eat home you save money by not traveling to a Restaurant and spending on their food, no heksher worry because you are at your own home, you don’t have to wait to be seated and inculcate negative midot from the waiting staff, and you are the Creator of your own Menu. This is a much better choice as far as saving time, money and midot discernment.

You tip, even though you don’t want to.

The same reason why, when someone steps on your toe with a really high and pointy heel, and really hurts you badly, but when they ask ‘are you okay’ you force a smile and say ‘yeah sure’ instead of what you really want to say: “NO!! you just killed me, get those ridiculous things off your feet, or mind your step and how much do you weigh anyway…”

BTW, it has been years since I have been there, but if you want good service go to the Prime Grill in Manhattan. Bread basket and water glasses were always full. When went to wash for hamotzi they cleaned up our area and refolded our napkins. $$$$$ but nice. Pats in L.A. is also got really good service.

As a former waitress I can tell you leaving no tip is usually interpreted as the person forgot. Leaving 1 or 2 pennies sends a message.

A few points that come to my mind:

1.) It is likely that many common restaurant inconveniences are not the fault of the server. Food coming late to the table or meals arriving at different times may reflect a kitchen issue rather than a server issue. Even mistakes in the order may be a kitchen issue. Unless the server did something obviously wrong (e.g., rudeness, inattention), I wouldn’t punish him/her for a problem that may well have been out of their control.

2.) A restaurant inconvenience may be a good opportunity to exercise our ability to have hakaras hatov and dan l’kaf zechus; isn’t that worth a few dollars?

3.) A polite word with the server may completely resolve the issue while avoiding the sting and loss of withholding the tip.

4.) I think stronger action (withholding a tip, complaining to the manager, etc.) should only be considered if I felt the problem was significant enough that I didn’t want to return to the restaurant in the future. Since I’ve moved into my present community which has numerous restaurants, that threshold for me has been met only once, and the restaurant closed very shortly after the incident, before I even had the chance to contact the manager.