Shidduchim

The best shidduchum (and the most shidduchim) come from friends and family and colleagues, NOT from “professional shadchanim”. For good reason too.

I disagree

russian mail order brides…i get emails all the time about those.

Iuse – Maybe you want to explain your idea a little better, and how it will work exactly, cause no one here seems to see it happening.

IUseBrains-

Just because people are paid more doesn’t mean they do a better job. Look at union employees for starters.

My wife and I went out to eat once. After taking our order we never saw the waitress again. One of us had to go to the kitchen to get the food, keep refilling our glasses with water, clean up, get a waiter to ask for the dessert menu and get our bill. “At least we don’t have to leave a tip”, my wife joked. But they were one step ahead of us, the 18% gratuity was automatically included.

According to your theory the waitress should have done a wonderful job since she was getting 18% right?

(When I asked where she was so I can thank her I was told that she went home 90 minutes earlier.)

Dr. P: You should’ve refused to pay the gratuity. Especially if there was no previous indication it was mandatory.

I did that once. Luckily I had the correct change at the time. (I usually don’t carry nickels and pennies due to their value/weight ratio.)

Pac-Man-

The next time we went we checked and on the menu it says in small letters that 18% gratuity is added. Since we were expecting it we watched the incompetence of the staff and got a kick out of it.

Please don’t get sidetracked though, the main point of what I was saying was that people will work harder when there is competition and their compensation depends on performance. Not when customers are throwing money in their direction.

My best friend was my shadchan. I am happily married b”H 34 yrs. My next door neighbor’s son was my son’s shadchan. My daughter’s shadchan was a relative who happened to be a professional shadchan.

As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter who the shliach is. Either one could be the right one. You have to check refrences no matter who the shadchan is.

IUseBrains, but you as the shadchan wouldn’t call up references. You would be setting the person up based on your limitted knowledge to people that might not be appropriate…

IUseBrains, interesting idea but what professional shadchan has time for all that work? The money does not match all the time that’s put in.

Which work? I never heard of a shadchan calling up the references, an intergral part of the search process. Besides, most parents would be wary to put all their faith in a shadchan’s research. Unfortunately, shadchanim seem to be getting a negative rep.

AZ-

We probably agree on many more things, if you would have had the decency to read my posts from beginning to end instead of just shouting back “You’re totally ridiculous” the second you saw something that challenged your position, you would have seen this.

As far as what the compensation should be for a shadchan, I never thought about this seriously. My first thought would be to have it the way it is where I work- no compensation until after the contracts are signed and the account is opened. True, this may mean that through no fault of the agent the client backed out at the last second, but that’s business.

Also, if the account is closed within a year the agent has to return the comission. If this happens too many times the agent gets audited to see what is going on. (In extreme cases agents have been let go, lost their license or even arrested when illegal activities were uncovered.)

At times, especially when one of the two parties flies in for a date, the two of them could rack up 3 dates without getting serious. If the shadchan knows that after one more date he/ she will receive compensation regardless of the outcome… I’ll let you figure out on your own what will happen.

shlishi-

I agree, but there were times that I was told that if I agree to go out with a girl- since she is flying out to meet me I have to commit to two dates. Saying “no” after just one would have been dishonest and highly offensive.

Also going out for a fourth time when one is not interested when compared to two weeks of non-stop harassment may be the lesser of two evils.

Imagine how much more prevalent these torture tactics will become once the shadchanim know that they will be receiving compensation.

However, I do disagree with number 3.

That’s exactly why it had to be mentioned even though it should be common sense!

Let’s say we have a guy who has a dark secret that he doesn’t want anyone to know. His Rebbe suggests that he go to a shadchan that deals with singles that have sensitive issues.

Is it fair for you to throw his name around (which will ultimately lead to the secret being exposed) because you got his name from a yeshiva list, picked it out of a hat and want to make some money? Unless you got explicit permission, either by them asking you to put their name on a list or by you asking them first, you shouldn’t be mentioning their names.

When I was in my low 20s I spoke with my Rebbe about when a good time is to start dating. He suggested that I wait another year, despite many of my friends getting married, because I was doing good in learning and had a heavy college load. Some shadchanim got my name from a yeshiva list and gave it out to numerous potential dates (without my knowledge) and my friends where getting calls asking if I was “normal” or what was “wrong” with me that I hadn’t started dating.

It got to the point that my mother jokingly asked me to date one person just so that she could say I started dating!

You may also disagree with me on this, but I feel that a shadchan should first ask the guy if he wants to go out with the girl (assuming the shadchan has permission to give out the girls name), and only after he agrees should his name be given to the girl.

If you explain what you meant by

And as far as number 4,theres’ nothing wrong with some advice from an outsider!

I can try to discuss it with you.