Shidduchim – Picky Mothers

IUseBrains-

Please don’t take offense, but you seem like the kind of shadchan that my friends and I had to blacklist.

When a shadchan gives a girls name to a guy it is up to him (and his parents) what to do from there. My mother told one shadchan to never call her back after she said “you think you’re being farfrumpted, well you’re being farcrumped. You have to tell me why you’re saying ‘no’. I’m a professional shadchan and therefore the issur of Loshon Hora doesn’t apply to me. Stop being a chanyukkel on someone elses cheshbon.”

(My mother worked with this girl and had wonderful things to say about her (including that there was nothing wrong with her) but she knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t for me.)

Who are you to decide what is unjustified? What is important to one person may be a non-issue to someone else and vice versa.

The shadchanim need to learn to be civilized or they are ruining the chances for many girls who otherwise may have no access to guys in yeshiva.

(If the guy and his mother are harrassing you non-stop to find him a shidduch and this is how they are acting then I see where you are coming from.)

I agree with Dr. Pepper 100%.

If as a shadchan you dont like dealing with the mother, why do you talk to her, speak directly to her son. If you cant deal with her, dont. You are not michuyav to force a shidduch on her.

no its not the same thing. you might have the wrong picture of what her daughter or son is looking for but she knows that if she goes into it with you then shes going to have to argue with you about if thats a “normal” thing to want or not. There is someone that redt me a shidduch but it was totally not for me. Instead of arguing with her I just said that I dont want but thank you. She figured out why I didnt want and started telling me how I’m wrong and its not that way in life….

IUseBrains-

Why don’t you just leave them alone?

You’ll be doing yourself a favor as well as the guy and his mother.

3 sides. His, hers, and the truth.

Not that I have any details in what is going on-

But…

When I would be harassed by nasty shadchanim I’d tell them that everything has to go through my mother. She did great as a firewall.

Dr. P: I see the only time you ever get nasty on this forum, is when dealing with Shadchanim… 😉

Pac-Man-

You call this getting nasty? You should hear what I have to say about them when I’m not worried about my posts getting deleted!

adorable-

Both.

Some posters have said, “What’s the big deal? if the girl isn’t what you are looking for, just say ‘no’ and it’s over with”. Nothing could be further than the truth.

I’m not sure if this is the proper thread for Shadchanim horror stories but if no one minds I’ll post some of them here.

Here’s one that really ticked me off (without the shadchan actually giving me a hard time).

One Purim a guy came to her house stone drunk to give her Mishloach Manos. While she was preparing one for him he couldn’t resist the urge to go to her computer and copy her “shadchan” folder onto a floppy drive, which he later posted on the internet.

When he sobered up and realized that what he did was wrong, he removed the files but not before I downloaded them. There were three files in the folder, Bochurim.doc, Girls.doc and Outcome.xls all of which were time stamped recently.

Let’s take a break for a second- I am not blaming the shadchan for what happened so far, the guy admitted he was totally wrong and I hope everyone agrees. I opened up the two Word files and the information I knew about the guys matched as well as the information about the girls that she tried setting me up with (there were some names on the list that I never heard of though). I never opened the Outcome file, as tempting as it was, nor did I ever share these files with anyone.

So someone made an anonymous call to a Rov about this incident, asking if the Rov could call the shadchan to take measures to insure this incident could never happens again.

The shadchan denied the whole incident. She claimed that she has a different computer in a different room that is password protected and she is the only one with the password. She also NEVER lets any of her kids (or anyone else for that matter) use her computer.

but why did you have so many stories?

It’s not just me, many of my friends had these same issues and blacklisted most, if not all, professional shadchanim.

am yisrael chai-

I’ll answer that if you first answer my question from the Shabbos Lock thread;

Did we meet each other on a different site?

(The person I’m thinking of brags to have started the thread with the most replies and views.)

“if you first answer my question from the Shabbos Lock thread”

I had to search for that thread to see what you are talking about…I still don’t know.

On that thread I once again had asked you a question first; you countered with a question of your own w/o answering. I see a pattern here!

the fact that you aren’t answering the question shows that you know what hes talking about and youre avoiding

Adorable,

I hope psychology is not your chosen field, because you’re WAY off base.

I’m avoiding as stated. I’ve asked a question first, at TWO separate times, & Dr P avoided answering either, countering with his own question. It’s interesting that you’re not accusing him of avoiding. Why is that?

It’s also not very comforting to me to think that I remind him of a braggart. I’m so not. I have no idea what I wrote that would make him think that.

And for anyone following my short stint in the CR, this is my first & only posting site, which is why I had some “growing pains” learning the ways of bloggers & posters. In fact, Icot & others have helped me along with that. I’ve respected DR P for his intelligent & sincere posts, and it’s upsetting that the feeling’s not mutual. I’m not into counting posts, whether mine or someone else’s. It’s quality that interests me, not quantity.

It’s also “out there” that I had a double whammy of tragedy

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/how-to-deal-with-pain#post-269396 so your timing to “start up” is quite poor, to beat someone who’s already down.

I had posted that I had a third tragedy now (yes, I have Kletzky blood in me) which was deleted for some reason, so you can understand why I’m upset. VERY.

am yisrael chai-

I’m sorry if anything I wrote hurt you. Let me try to explain things one at a time.

Firstly- I didn’t answer your question in the Shabbos Lock thread because I thought the mods wouldn’t let it through. I had asked what I thought was an innocent question and didn’t receive a response. If I was interested in hiding the post I would not have posted what number it is.

Secondly- I read very few threads on this forum and didn’t know about your tragedies until I read it here. One post of yours that I did read reminded me of a poster I came across on a different site. Being that this poster has a different SN than yours I left a hint that would let you know what I was talking about without mentioning the SN. (It was not the bragging that reminded me of the other poster.) I was only trying to find out if it was you so I can send you a private message on the other site with a link to the discussion you wanted to view.

Thirdly- I only asked the question here because I assumed that you missed it on the other thread as I didn’t see any posts from you afterwards.

If you were offended by anything I wrote please accept my sincerest apologies and believe me that I never intended to hurt you.

Please also accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedies you experienced.

IUseBrains-

On the same note, shadchanim should be having in mind what’s for both the guy and the girl.

This means no twisting the guys hands or turning up the heat because the girl says that this is the guy that she’s looking for when this is not what he’s looking for.

Here’s a thought. DON’T use Shadchanim. Let kids meet each other naturally in normal environments, learn how to hold normal conversations with each other, learn on their own how to deal with rejection that inevitably will come their way, pick themselves up, dust themselves, off, and start all over again. Leave third parties out of your private business, leave MOTHERS to do mothering and not run interference, and let our young adults actually learn to be real adults on their own.

binahyeseira-

100% correct, I was just speaking from my point of view.