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My kids are all invited to their father’s wedding in a cuople weeks.
I know it’s “fun”…and the older kids are free to choose what they’d like to do(go/not go).
The younger kids would have just as much fun in Toys-R-Us.
The question is:
Is there anything in particular TO BE GAINED by them attending?
(not the chuppah,but the rest of it)
I am not afraid to say no,but I want to be reasonable about it.
Its emotionally taxing to say yes.
What’s the pro of saying no?
Is there anything in particular TO BE GAINED by them attending?
Yes, there is… your ex-husband’s happiness. He wants them there and unless there is some real, overriding reason for them not to be there, they should.
Look at it from the other side… suppose it’s you getting remarried? Wouldn’t you want your kids there? And wouldn’t you feel angry if their hypotheically-custodial father said “no, they’d rather go to Toys R Us?”
The Wolf
I was under the impression that children are not supposed to attend their parent’s remarriage (to someone other than their mother).
That being said, I personally think it is a good idea, because it helps to integrate the new spouse into the family dynamic. Their stepmom will be a part of their life, and they should (if they WANT to) be party of that process. I have no experience with this, so I may be totally talking through my hat.
.And did you read my answer to tbt’s question?That would clarify my hesitation for you.
I did miss that, my apologies.
Nonetheless, while you may have problems with the kallah’s family (whether real or imagined), I don’t think you should be using your ex’s wedding day as a weapon in that fight.
The Wolf
The Kallah’s family was involved prior to you getting divorced?
_____
As far as the actual question, I can’t answer. I think it may be worthwhile to discuss it with a child psychologist or social worker that deals with children.
G-d does the payment for those who have wronged us. Sooner or later. You can be assured of that.
For your kids, you have to do whatever is in their best interest. If these people will rub it in your kids face over the next ten years that you prevented them from attending… Maybe the opposite, let them go for the Kabolas Ponim and Chuppah. After that, home to a delicious supper, ice cream , a big hug and yummy bedtime story and bed.
you are smart and self-aware. examine your motives. whether the younger kids go to the wedding or not is probably not going to make much of an impact on the kids.
Eclipse- if they will continue visiting their father, and his new wife, it does make sense for them to attend the wedding.
You are in a very difficult situation and I hope you have the strength to go through it all.
I know I’m sooooo encouraging, but I’m telling you you’ll still see Nachas after all the work you’re putting in!
eclipse, wishing you only the best and future smachot.
Wolf…weapon??
That’s the way it seems to me. You’re considering not letting your kids go because of the way the kallah’s family treated you.
Imagined??
I did not mean to imply that the slights were actually imagined. The point, however, is that we’re only hearing your side of the story.
My point, however, was that whether you are accurate or not in how they treated you, it’s not right to use the occasion to prevent your kids from going.
and now that I’ve said more than enough,I’m gonna try to get some sleep.
Have a good night. If I upset you, I apologize… that wasn’t my intent.
The Wolf
eclipse- Ur kids dancing around the Kallahs family?? That sounds like such a terribly hurtfull thing!! I feel for you!
If I upset you, I apologize… that wasn’t my intent.
I’m probably guilty of that as well. I think we should both be somewhat more sensitive,,, in our response, while still being straight.
eclipse-
Parents fighting is the toughest thing in the world for kids to witness.
This is even true for older kids, much more so for younger ones.
If you don’t allow your kids to go, they may feel that they had to choose between their Abba/Tatty and Ima/Mommy, and feel very guilty for having hurt their father.
As painful as it will be for you (and I am not minimizing your tzar at all), your kids will probably be much better off if they know they can do something good for and show love to one parent without betraying the other parent.
The question is, not whether you will feel good about the kids being there, but whether you want to be the one to say no. The only time I put my foot down, was when my ex remarried for the 3rd or 4th time, and the wedding was out of town. I told my teenager, “you’re not taking off from school to go – it’s not like this is a once in a lifetime event.”
farrockgrandma: lol!
nice comic relief.
wow! eclipse sounds like you have a lot thrown on your plate at once.
I also was under the impression that children aren’t supposed to attend a parent’s subsequent marriage…. but what do I know?
sorry for all the hurt & challenges you’re having to endure, eclipse 🙁 … {{hugs}}
It is soooo hard to advise you what to do. you have heard what it is to go to a parents wedding. I agree with farrockgrandma, about the 3rd.4th.5th………..time. look at the bright side if they go, then you have a whole evening to pesach clean without your little helpers around.
Ignore the outside family. Just think of the reprcussions if they do not come. Will “She” {their “stepmother”) hold it against them at a later date? It is nice when there is a “working relationship” with the New Wife.
Just remember to have extra Kavana with “Pokeach Ivrim”, and also “Ata Chonen Ladam Daas.”
May HKBH give you extra Siyata Dishmaya to overcome this nisayon.
I don’t get this thing of calling the other person, “Mommy”. They have a mother! I think it is totally unacceptable. Perhaps it can be brought up as a reason not to send them.
….and the verdict is: I’m letting them go.
Based on the (admittedly) limited information you provided, I believe you made the right choice… and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Good job.
The Wolf
eclipse, I and everyone else in the CR feels for you. May I offer you a way to look at this day and looking at the bright side? Thank Hashem, that He sent you this Tzara instead of someone near and dear to you having a terrible Machla. You will also have Simchos bKarov!
Everyone has their hardships in life. As much as we dont think our problems can be even more heart-breaking, they definitely can be! All we have to do is look around a bit.
We love you, eclipse! H U G S !
eclipse:
May HaShem continue to send you the strength to do the very best for your children, even in the most challenging circumstances.
bbubee had gr8 advice. much hatzlocha eclipse.
<joking>
Please tell them about the minhag to throw cream pies at a father’s second wedding.
</joking>
Cream pies? That just goes to show how different people can have different ?????? . I’ve only heard of throwing coconuts at him… (jk)
Eclipse, I was just trying to bring a smile to your face during this stressful time. I’m sure you have made the correct decision in the long term. If you had already found your true bashert – ??? ?? ?? ??????? ?? ?? ?? ???? ?? ??? ??? ???? … – I’m sure you would have let them go. It’s just harder now that your ex got there first. But he is still a part of your kids lives, and it will increase their stability and happiness to be there, which surely is what you wish for them.
? ?????? ???? to you in everything! (besides, for us at least, in getting rid of your computer… !!)
Eclipse, I compliment your approach, maturity,open mindedness and consideration in this matter. It shows alot of strength. And I think if you let your children go, thats how they will see you once they mature and look back.
Eclipse – I’yh, you’ll find your Richtige Zivug soon (even if you don’t want to right now) and be able to put this chapter of your life behind you. You should only have simchos from now on.
Its troubling how people who once loved each other can turn on one another with the same passion.
shev143: No. Sometimes (as by Amnon & Tamar) it’s more passion afterwards as the pasuk says ?? ????? ????? ??? ???? ????? ??? ????. When one is blinded.. Hashem Yishmor.
eclipse,
I hope your ex’s new wife will provide more guidance and structure for your daughter than her new husband has for the older daughters.
eclipse,
i cant stop marveling at you!
hkbh sent you this real hard nisayon and your emunah and bitachon in him is still rock solid!
your simchas hachayim is amazing!!
may hashem listen to your tefillos and send you your yeshua bekuruv!!
MDG: You take the award for the most considerate comment on this thread. So how would you lable this comment, MO, Yeshivish, Na-nach or Koo-koo?
MDG: <joking> … </joking>
Were you trying to write in bold or italics etc? Do you know how to do it?
Eclipse:: May Hash-m continue to grant you the wisdom to deal with these unfortunate decisions.As far as children being at a parents wedding, I personally think its out of line! Being at the chupa is not allowed according to Jewish law . I’ve been to many family weddings with children going to parents weddings, I have not seen any thing good come out of it. It’s rather a peculiar situation for all parties. Hatzlocha!!
tbt,
Cute question :), but as I stated in the other thread, I’m not a fan of labels.
Shticky Guy asked,
“Were you trying to write in bold or italics etc? Do you know how to do it?”
I was using the style from XML/HTML to point out that I was speaking in jest.
Hugs Eclipse.
To those wondering about parents weddings, it depends who you ask. I was told that I could attend if I was truly happy for my mother (all her kids went to the wedding). Slightly different situation as my father passed away.
Eclipse, firstly just to clarify for others, the kids can’t attend the “Chupah” they can be there before and after.
As far as whether they should or not attend. You have mentioned on various occasions how abusive your EX was and still is with your kids, and how he is NOT doing a good job with them. Why give him more fuel to be angry and resentful towards the kids. If they want to go let them go. If you don’t allow them to go, it will only cause tension between them and their father and they will suffer for it in the end. Even if it is YOUR choice that they don’t go, if he is angry at them and punish them for not going he knows that will hurt you, so what’s the point?
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