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Recently I met two older singles who I would like to help with shidduchim. However, each has some obvious appearance problems that would prevent many people from wanting to get involved with them.
One of them is from another culture originally, and was wearing mismatched clothes, a very unflattering haircut, and had some other unusual habits. Another has very discolored teeth, which I think could be fixed by a good dentist.
I do not know what to do. I don’t want to hurt their feelings by pointing these things out, but on the other hand, neither seems to have a clue why they are having so much trouble on the shidduch scene. One told me of how hard it was to find anybody no matter how many different ways they tried. Shadchanim, singles weekends, online sites like Jdate or Frumster, etc.
I think some simple pointers could easily help, but it could be devastating and hurtful to the person. On the other hand, to say nothing will cause them to continue to have terrible agmas nefesh with more rejections and more loneliness. One look at one of them made it clear why people are hesitant to get involved, yet the person has no understanding of the problem. The parents are from another part of the world, originally, and I guess do not have knowledge of what is acceptable here in the USA, to be able to guide their child. The other is from a completely American home, but I guess does not realize that possibly the teeth can be causing people to hesitate.
There may be other factors in each case, but at least one can correct the obvious problems, and see if that helps.
I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
Maybe you can tell them to check out shidduchim threads on yeshiva world
Pashuteh Yid-
Those are valid concerns, and you’re correct in being machshiv yenem’s feelings.
However…
1) If you or someone else points out these “needs improvement” areas as tactfully as possible, would the person overcome their hurt feelings and ultimately benefit greatly from your intervention?
2) How would you want to be treated if the situation were reversed? Personally, I’d want to be told.
3) The only circumstances that not telling should be an option is if you know the person wouldn’t heed the advice and/or would become enraged at the advisor (not just short term hurt feelings).
seeallsides: good idea but then again they might see this post about them and feel bad.
I would start by asking them about their friends. What are their friends like? Who do they hang with. What have their friends suggested and have they taken that to heart. You might get an opening there.
If that doesn’t work, try asking them what are they looking for in a girl. If they talk about looks in a girl, then you have an opening there as well. Because you can ask, what does that mean? What does pretty mean to you? What does a good dresser mean to you? What does a nice smile mean to you, what does appearance mean to you and so on?
Then you compliment them on their honesty and the things you can compliment them on and gently move on to the things you can help them with. Would you be open to a new look? Girls put a lot of effort into looking good for their dates and most young men show their appreciation by doing the same. Your look is quite unique but a little too unique for most girls, do you think we can tone it down a bit? And for the other guy, “You know you really have a winning smile, but a trip to the dentist can make it even better. It could use a little whitening and brightening and then no one will be able to resist you.
I would engage the person in conversation and then talk about MYSELF needing to get to the dentist, and maybe while I am at it, ask the dentist about tooth whitening procedures, because I feel my teeth could benefit from a treatment. If the person would answer back that my teeth look fine, I would say, thanks, but this is something that has been bothering me, and I think I should go for a professional opinion, because the smile is one of the first thinghs people notice.
I learned this idea from a Rov, who whenever he needs to give mussar, tries to give it in a way that states that so many of us, himself included, are guilty of whatever it is. He gave a great mussar shmooze on L”H and on hakoras hatov and started out by telling a story (ostensibly about himself) where he felt he possibly had been nichshal, and needed to improve himself. The people listening were able to be mekabeil the mussar, because we all had a sense of “we’re in this together.”
If your friend can infer from what you are saying that she, too, could benefit from this procedure (and then she actually follows through)without you actually telling her her teeth look awful, then you will have done her a chessed.
There is another method you can use by asking “well if what you have been doing till now hasn’t worked what do you think you could change or need to change to shake things up and make it work?” and listen to what they say. They might know that they have to make changes but don’t know how to go about doing it.
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