Am I too sensitive?

Can you open a conv.with him saying,”It’s funny,but I still think about my grandfather so often….”? See if he intuits the depth of your loss from that.

I’m sorry about your loss and I understand and feel your feelings. My initial thought without thinking is as follows. I feel that you have a legitimate point but the blame is on society as a whole.

Through recent technology we have developed into a fast paced, self centered people. Myself included. Family time is a thing of the past, as we are so busy with work, our blackburies (as I like to call it being that it buries its users alive), etc.

This mindset pervades, and creeps into every part of our community. The Rabonim did not choose this path but rather the mindset of the community influences everyone. The Rabonim therefore in your case may not have been as attentive as you may have wanted to your feelings in this case.

However, they are no more to blame then the countless times a day that we are for this issue. It just comes out differently by us as we are not Rabonim.

Maybe we don’t call our grandparents as much as we used to being that we are so busy texting etc. . . Maybe I wouldn’t be blogging at 2 AM when I should reaaly be going to sleep so that I can learn normally tomorrow etc. . . We are all guilty.

My advice to you is that you should forgive them and understand why you are forgiving them. Then, you can take this as a lesson for yourself. Look what happens when we allow ourselves to fall to the now norms of society. Let us take back control of our lives. Let us add meaning and warmth. Let us practice patience and compassion, as opposed to developing further into irate, impatient people, that honk our horns when it takes the car ahead of us 2 extra seconds to go by the green light.

(I Chas V’Shalom do not mean to put down, in the slightest of ways our Chashuva Rabonim that are Moser Nefesh every minute of their day to the ever growing needs of the Klal. I’m just bringing out a point about us laymen and how it possibly crept to them a drop).

This a lesson for us all that I hope we all learn from.

Sender, we see the Rav and we recognize him immediately, he is but one. He sees us and he sees many, many people he loves and admires but he doesn’t immediately place the name and the face, the face and the family, etc. Sometimes, unless we have a serious and personal ongoing relationship with our Rav, it is difficult for them to connect the dots on the spot and needs to be reminded who we are and what we are going through. A teacher who teaches 5 periods a day will recognize a student, one out of a possible 150, but might not know his name unless he is sitting in the classroom and the student is sitting in his seat. Out of place and context, it is difficult for a teacher to remember everyone unless he is reminded and might say “I believe you are a student of mine, remind me who you are and what class of mine you are in”.

Why don’t you ask him then. It is much worse to harbor feelings of resentment and in addition if he understands how you feel he might be more careful in the future to be more sensitive to others. Is he a young Rabbi?

The feelings you are having are so normal. Unfortunately, everything that happens is going to be hurtful, because you are really in such a vulnerable position. It could be that if he would stop in, you would feel, like doesn’t he think I had a hard enough time with shiva and people stopping in all the time, doesn’t he realize that our family needs a little privacy, a little space. Different people react very differently and it is impossible to have guidelines that work for everybody in such a tragic time. Regretfully, everybody walks this tightrope of wanting to help, and not knowing what to do. I am so sorry for your loss, it is a terrible heartbreak to lose someone you love, but unfortunately, there is not much that anybody could do. Share your feelings with your siblings, cousins. Recognize that your sensitivity comes from the sadness of the situation. You are very cared for, I am sure many friends are agonizing and wondering if they should bring up the subject, or if it will make you feel bad….it’s not that they don’t have feelings-they are just not sure about what to say – May Hashem help your whole family through this time, and may you only see Simchas!

BD”E May you only know Simchos from now on. When one suffers a loss, everyone reacts differenty, some people feel a need to remember the Niftar all of the time.They are always relaying stories of that persons life, challenges, successes etc.That keeps the person alive in a certain sense. “Tzadikkim, afilo B’misosom nikraim Chaim”. By constantly remembering the Niftar it reinforces their beautiful lives. That is the main reason for Shiva and being Menachem Avel.

After Shiva is up, people still have to deal with each day in their own way. Some deal by forgeting, and others by remembering.

If you have a relationship with the Rav, go speak to him, tell him that you are still hurting from your loss. Ask him to guide you into recovery and help you grow.

No one will replace that grandparent that you lost, but speak to your parents, siblings, aunts & Uncles to help you. May Hashem give you the Siyata Dishmaya to overcome the pain & relive the good times & joy of that granparents life.

Eclipse, I know of a Bubbee that would adopt you if you would like!

Sender, I see two options here. 1) Either go over to the RAV, since you have as much right to his time and attention as any other congregant and let him know how you feel. or 2) Decide whether or not you wish to Dan him l’kaf zchus or if you have real and true reasons to feel hurt or slighted. If you do have real and true reasons to feel hurt or slighted revert back to option number one.