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I have heard about couples breaking up while dating-even if the boy and girl were special people with great midos, having had great conversations and had similar goals,-because of lack of chemistry, attraction or just not feeling that its a shidduch. I am curious what that means in practical terms…
Well, for starts, I assume that it helps if both parties are carbon-based life forms… 🙂
(sorry… couldn’t resist)
The Wolf
There is nothing wrong with Nitrogen and nothing wrong with Glycerin, but if you put them together they explode.
There is a saying that “if marriage was made up of chemistry, the husband would be oxygen and the wife- carbon dioxide, and they wouldn’t be able to stay together!” 🙂
So, duh!!!!! marriage had nothing to do with chemistry….. 🙂
In practical terms, it means they’re not for each other.
The idea of having a fifth sense in shidduchim is discussed in “Shidduchim and Zivugim” by R’ Yehuda Lebovits.
And I’ve heard of too many couples who were only thinking about chemistry, and forgot about the rest.
After a while, the chemistry faded, they landed from cloud 9, and there was nothing left.
There has to be a little bit of everything.
tomim tihye – If a person has a FIFTH sense in shidduchim I think that person may be blind. sorry. couldn’t resist.
I agree with smartcookie on this one. A lack of chemistry is important but its not the only thing. That said, chemistry has to be there. chemistry means different things to different people. For example, I would say that if everyone would be looking for the same kind of chem as chassidim on a beshow, most people would consider themselves to have chemistry. Also, there is a difference from a gender perspective. guys and girls need different things to feel the chemistry. In a practical sense, since chemistry is an emotional thing, it can be said to be the thing that makes your emotions feel good enough that some of the fears and anxieties you may have about marrying the person go away, but I will not commit to that being the only definition.
lightitup
Yes, that’s how it’s used. Some people use chemistry as an excuse when there’s a different reason but don’t want to say.
also, there may be a reason that the person is unaware of since it is more subconscious. generally, when two people get into a relationship and there are “no things that are bothering them”, the emotions would go somewhere. the fact that they haven’t is an indication that there in fact are problems that are just more under the surface.
So whats everyone’s opinion of daters who go out with 100- 200 people and say “I just didnt feel anything”, or “I dont think its for me” and cant really put out a solid reason”? What would a Gadol tell a person like that? Would a Gadol say- “Wait when the right one will come along, and then you’ll know”?
I know R’ Frand was asked this question by a guy dating a girl. The boy just couldnt commit even though he didnt know the reason why (the boy couldnt find anything negative about the girl). R’ Frand answered “If you want to hear bells, go to a church”. The guy got married to the girl and is very happy.
Ofcourse: A guy discussed a girl he was dating with Rabbi Miller. Guy told RM everything is makes sense but, its “just not clicking”. RM: “your clicker’s broken!”
But then when people get divorced, they often say, one of the two was coaxed. Although Im not sure the couples where one was coaxed do any worse than couples who neither was coaxed.
It seems to me that people like to talk about “chemistry” and “clicking” because they don’t like the word love for some reason.
Ofcourse: One of the problems that can arise from people who’ve suffered through the dating scene for so long is, that they can become a little desensitized. They have been burnt several times. Sometimes we suffer from PTDS (Post Traumatic Date Syndrome).
We say, “how can I marry him/her, # 168 was better at X” “#73 was better at Y”. Its very difficult.
I think, as at all stages in life, it’s extremely important to have a Rov/Rebbe/Rebbetzen/competent mentor, who have our best interest at heart. They can help us heal and push through life’s very difficult challenges.
ItcheSrulik: How can you love someone you’ve never done anything for? Infatuated, yes! Love yourself, yes! Love the potential spouse SELFLESSLY, impossible!
Think about the fish story. We eat fish because we like ourselves, not the fish! !
Ofcourse: rabbi Volbe discusses coaxing by family members. He’s very against it
Chemistry is that “pull” towards each other. It can be based on looks, on personality, on something that is totally indefinable, but whatever it is, is causes one person to intially be attracted to another. That attraction is superficial, but it still is necessary to at least SOME extent. However, if there is nothing further to sustain the relationship after that initial attraction metamorphoses into familiarity, then it will not continue to flourish. Clicking is a good thing, but there has to be something more substantial there, to make it a real shidduch hagun.
tbt – anyone who is a parent has to read Z’riah U’Binyan. However, I would slightly disagree with your previous comment. It is not necessarily true that a person dating has never done anything for the other person. It really depends how long and serious the dating is. For the vast majority of yeshivish people, I agree. Not everyone gets engaged after 5 dates, however. I can tell you that when I went out seriously with someone, I did many selfless things. I cried sometimes because they were painful for me to do but I did them because it made the other person happy. So, I don’t want to put labels like love on any emotion, but it’s not like it was just infatuation and thinking of myself.
bochur24, “I cried sometimes because they were painful for me to do but I did them because it made the other person happy”.
Why would your crying make someone happy? Why is crying doing something for the other person? Youre releasing steam/relieving your own stress, when you cry.
Am I missing something folks?
Ofcourse
I think his point was that he didn’t want to do certain things yet did them to make the girl happy.
bochur24: I didn’t say it’s only thinking of yourself. If you’re going to call it love, its love of yourself. But I sure hope that you deeply care about the person you are about to marry. Part of that would be engaging in selfless acts, as they present themselves. True love, however, can only come after marriage.
As an aside, why would doing something for another person cause you to cry? Is everything OK? Is something else causing you pain?
Ofcourse and tbt- I won;t get into too much detail, but I meant that the thing I did for the person was emotionally painful and I knew it would be before I did it. However, I knew the other person needed me to do it to have peace of mind. I won;t go further than that.
tbt – I am not sure how you define a selfless act as love of yourself and I know this line that everyone says about love can only be after marriage. no one has ever explained that to me in a way that made sense. I think love can come before marriage. I agree it is very different from the love you feel after marriage, but it is possible to love someone before. Just to go extreme here, you love your father, mother, brother, etc. and you are not married to them. So why is loving a girl different? Like I said, I am agreeing that after marriage it is different/more/better or whatever you want to call it, but I don;t see why you can’t love the other person (as opposed to yourself) before.
I don’t recall ever taking along test tubes or a bunson burner when I was dating.
(Sorry bit of nerd humor)
Its important that a couple be attracted to one another, I mean two people could line up perfectly on paper but when they meet there is no interest. Its not like buying a car the intangibles matter.
The degree to which someone feels chemistry is sometimes affected by previous exposure…
Someone who watches/reads too much of what’s out there,won’t simply need a pleasant-looking decent spouse.
That person’s “needs” will now include many more physical requirements.
eclipse, “That person’s “needs” will now include many more physical requirements”
100%! I couldnt agree with you more!
There are also the guys who dont have “previous exposure” and compare their dates to friends’ Kallahs (physically and otherwise). The older they are, the more Kallahs they’ve seen to compare their dates to. Either way, the longer they date, and the older they are, the harder it is. Although Ive seen cases where guys suddenly woke up after years of crazy fussiness, and said the next normal girl I date is the “one” and got married.
Ofcourse: Very true.
Only guys, not girls? I think the same holds to true, to the same degree, to girls.
I meant both.
truth be told, girls barely get dates as they age. Its different.
But mostly guys.Even in Hollywood the balding pot-bellied tycoon may “win” the…..no point in writing what may be edited!
eclipse: “tycoon”. Guys may have certain unrealistic expectations for looks (and other things). Girls have different unrealistic expectations, both in regards to appearance and romance. More so on the romance and tycoon part, that the guy is both a respected talmud chochom and a successful professional. They may end up getting “hurt” (offended) easily.
I hesitate to say this is how it is. However, it is prudent for an older girl to consider these potential pit-falls and avoid them.
To answer the OP, chemistry means developing a bond.
i think i agree with veteran.
one of the gorgeous football players i dated (so cliche i know) even with his good looks and $$ there was just no bond, we were just two people going out and having fun…but there needs to be more than that. so i ended it, but partially because he was stoic but wtvs lol thats for a different cr topic perhaps:)))
Dating shuldnt be about “chemistery.” It should be about seeing if the girl has the same hashkafos as you and will be a good person to help you build a bayis neman.
I missed mosherose. It’s been at least a few weeks since you’ve checked in. This one is excellent.
truth be told; I didn’t get what you wrote.Did you know I meant MALE tycoon or not?
if you dont understand the need for chemistry maybe you should stop going out till you understand
Chemistry in dating.
It is like this; if there are too many chains of Carbon and Hydrogen (tails), topped off with a functional group that is water soluble (head) such as a phosphorous group (PO4) or Carboxyl group (COOH), then it can be more difficult.
mosherose – I am wondering how you plan on building your bayis without chemistry. Hameivin Yavin!
Chemistry is needed to begin a relationship. Similar hashkafos, goals, and values, mutual respect, and the ability to give to each other are what are needed to nurture and sustain that relationship.
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