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How long after a Divorce / Separation should one wait beofre hitting the dating scene again ?
9 months.
Did you mean 3 months?
That depends on the situation.
Did you deal with the basics of the emotional baggage you are carrying? Did you deal with the cause of the divorce? Are you still dealing with it in therapy? Are you kids ready to handle you “moving on”?
There is no set answer.
There are no rules. Start dating again when you think its the right time. Im just curious- if peaple in the coffee room would say 1 yr, would you wait 1 yr??
I think there is a 9 month halacha on getting remarried after a previous marriage. Perhaps I am mistaken.
The dating question is different for divorce than it is for the loss of a spouse, obviously but still one really needs to take a din v’chesbon of the situation and understand what they are doing.
As SJS said, are the children prepared for this next step? This is a very important question, and NO you don’t have a right to get on with your life UNTIL you make sure your children are ready. They did not have a say in your decision to divorce and they are not at fault with what went wrong in your marriage. But THEY are your first priority and your first obligation so make sure they are stable and secure before you go and bring a stranger into their lives.
Secondly, understand why you are considering dating. Are YOU really ready for this next step whether it is 6 months down the line or whenever? Are you doing this for YOU or are you doing this to get back at your EX? That is also an important question. If you are truly ready to find someone to share your life with and move on and the kids are ok with it, go ahead. If you are doing it for the wrong reasons you are going to wind up hurting others and hurting yourself in the process.
I thought that a widow or divorced woman is halachically required to wait 3 months before remarrying, but there’s no halachically required wait before dating. As SJS noted, it depends on the woman and her situation. Factors that might affect the decision include, in the case of divorce, the length of the separation before, if there was one.
L’fi aniyas da’ati…
AT LEAST 6 months.
And that would apply (not only) even IF you knew a potential someone from when you were married,
BUT –
ESPECIALLY if you knew a potential someone from when you were married.
A woman can start dating if she feels ready right after she receives her Get, However she can’t remarry until three FULL Hebrew months have passed. This is Based on the Gemora inorder to know if she gives birth at the end of the 7 month, we would not know if the father was from the 1st or 2nd husband therefore the 3 month waiting period eliminates this doubt.
A man can get married right after he gives the Get to a woman who has never been married or one who was divorced and the above 3 months has passed.
May all of us in this situation no matter what their age, have the faith, courage and strenght to find their real true partner in life.
Anyone who helps in this matter will surely be blessed with Shalom Bais for themselves and children.
I think there is a 9 month halacha on getting remarried after a previous marriage. Perhaps I am mistaken.
You are mistaken. The halacha is three months. The reason for the halacha is to be able to establish paternity of any potential children. Once three months have passed, it is usually clear if the divorcee/widow is pregnant or not and hence she can remarry*.
It should be noted that it’s not clear (to me, anyway) if this only applies to marriage, or if it applies to dating as well. In other words, can a woman who has been divorced/widowed for two months begin dating (with the understanding that she will not get married until after the three month period has passed)?
As for the question of the OP, there are no set rules. She should begin dating when it feels right to do so (subject to possible halachic restrictions as mentioned above). It’s really based on individual preference.
The Wolf
(*And yes, the halacha applies even in situations where it is well-known that the woman cannot be pregnant by her husband — age, her husband was away, etc.)
It depends on a thousand things. I don’t see why you need to ask anyone this question, but yourself.
Hatzlacha on whatever you decide to do!
When I said (above) “at least 6 months”, I was not saying that on the basis of halacha (which others have already addressed), but on the basis of the emotional/psychological baggage that the person is carrying.
I think a person who has been (obviously UNhappily) married for a period of time needs a while to re-adjust to seeing themselves as a seperate individual before becoming, again, “basar echad” with someone else.
It’s already two years and I haven’t started yet. I don’t want to make the same mistakes over again. I know that there are people who marry -divorce, over and over again. Not for me.
my brother just started after 2.5 years!
One year after divorce, separation time doesn’t count.
Health…
Just a thought…
Being that it sounds like you are very aware of the mistakes you made in the past, I would guess that it is unlikely you would make THOSE mistakes again.
In the future, when considering someone new, be careful that as you are ruling out in the new person the traits that caused problems in the past, (in your joy at NOT finding them) don’t overlook possible different issues in the new person that did not exist in your first mate.
It would be my guess that it might be doing that, that causes the divorce-remarry-divorce-remarry scenario you described.
When you’re ready. And I doubt a person can really be ready less than 6 months-a year after. My mother started dating 1 year after, it took another 3 to actually get married; my father was still not ready to date again at that time and did not remarry until 10 years post-divorce. There is a lot of scarring and emotional damage that must be dealt with before trying to share your life with another person. Also, barring extreme cases, both spouses have a hand in the failure of the marriage. Once you’re done fuming at all the things your ex did wrong, you need to figure out what YOU did wrong and fix it (or at least significantly improve it) before foisting yourself on someone else.
Cedarhurst–the halacha is 92 days to be exact.I remember when they told me that ’cause I distinctly remember thinking to myself:Maybe in 92 YEARS!
Of course everyone needs time to heal. Then they need to get upbeat positive & excited again about finding their true Basherte. whoever thinks otherwise isn’t thinking at all.
You can’t look at it as a necessary evil. Just because a bee bit you on a field trip doesn’t mean field trips arent fun.
I know… What a weird example.
eclipse: You’ve given up on the prospect of marriage ever again?
AOM -the truth is everyone has Chessronos. It’s only with the chessed of Hashem that people get/stay married. Esp. the way we find our partner -a couple of dates- that’s all. It takes a least 6 months of full time living with someone to get to know them. Maybe that’s why the Torah says Nokkey Yeyeh L’baiso Shana Echus. It might take upto a year to get to know one another. It takes a lot of Siyata D’shimaya, and this is what I’m hoping for. And no, I’m not advocating dating for long periods of time.
TMB–only 92 years!
By then,the guy will be way too weak to hurt me in any way.
I will give him his teeth,he will give me my fuzzy slippers,and we will live happily ever after.
depends on a lot of things. if someone was separated for a long time (years) and she finally got her get, she could date the next day. she could have been ready earlier, but the get was the waiting factor.
eclipse: i’d love to meet you… i think we’re on the same wavelength! when i was told i have to wait 3 months before remarrying, i burst out laughing. and yes, i would like to remarry…a 95 year rich man who will sign a prenuptial that i get everything when he dies!!!
a 95 year rich man who will sign a prenuptial that i get everything when he dies!!!
There are young never married girls who think along those same lines…
bh18 -Money doesn’t buy happiness. That’s what Anna Nicole Smith did. She ended up with money, but money is what her son used to buy the drugs he OD with. And she followed suit.
Money is absolutely transitory.
As are teeth,eyesight,hearing and looks.
Midos are the only thing you get to keep ’til the end,for better or for worse.:)
eclipse: There are many guys under 90 who don’t hurt people either. May you find a really nice one soon!
By the way, you say “Midos are the only thing you get to keep ’til the end, for better or for worse.:)” a beautiful sentiment, but I assume you mean all mitzvos!
good luck in whatever you do. just a small tip for the next one, date as many times as your instings wants,ang dont hesitate to ask whatever is on your mind, and third (shouldve been the first)ask as many pple information as you could get out from them about him/her. mazel tov if it happens soon!
Cedarhurst – this is the halacha that I was always taught. Immediately, for a man, three months for a woman. If widowed, the man has to wait for Shloshim to be over, I think. Otherwise, he can remarry right away. A woman always has to wait three months (even when elderly), presumably to ensure she is not with child by the other husband. The man does not have to wait, because al pi halacha before R’Gershom, he could have taken a second wife at any time, while married to the first.
If I am mistaken in any of the above, I am sure I will be corrected by eagle-eyed posters.
yes indeed you will!
DYZ, so why didn’t you?
Question, what does it say about a person who jumps into the dating pool immediately after a divorce? Just asking. Who would really want to go out with someone who’s ink isn’t even dry yet on the papers? Wouldn’t you be wary of someone who jumped in immediately?
Aries, it says, he is ready to sink or swim. Everything depends on how long the marriage was really over. The official divorce may have been todasy, but the emotions, the feeling of isolation, need to be free, may have been a LONG time in coming. The actual divorce decree is simply closure. But the couple may have already emotionally divorced each other a long time ago. Why should they not get on with their lives? Sad all around, no matter what.
Daas Yochid…I meant “keep” not like “abide by” but rather,”maintain some control over”.
A person can begin dating immediately (assuming there is not a shloshim involved, as in acase of spousal death). There is no wait period for a man to get married after giving a Get (except as noted, if marrying a widow or divorcee of less than three months). There is a three month wait for the woman (unless she was never married and is marrying a divorced man, in which case she may marry him right after his divorce).
Emotionally, and with sensitivity to the possible children from the previous marriage, a man and woman may wait several months to either begin dating or to get married. But it is not halachically mandated that they do so, except as noted.
In the case of a man who has lost his wife, no one should be in his shoes and judge him for wanting to remarry quickly. Studies have shown that when someone had a happy marriage, they want to feel that happiness again, quickly. Some people mourn for a long time. Others are able to get back into life more quickly, even as they mourn. No one should judge. Same thing applies to a divorce. Some men cannot live without a wife and will start dating immediately. Some have been burned and don’t want to know about dating. it is not up to us to decided when it’s right for them. Hashem already gave us the proper guidelines.
The only reason Cedarhurst thought 9 months, is that he was confusing the IDEA of a woman having to wait three months to see if she is pregnant by the first man (something she would know most likely within the first trimester), with the actual pregnancy period of 9 months.
Oomis, a newly single person might want to jump back into the pool right away, but the people they are looking to date would be very wary to jump in with them. It is a very scary prospect because no matter how great the newly single person is, one always has to wonder who is telling the truth and what really ruined the marriage. So I believe people really do expect that newly single people do wait a respectable amount of time before jumping in again. THEY don’t want ghosts being brought into THEIR new relationships. That’s all i’m saying.
Newly single people know how badly they were burnt and how their children are hurting. That is the unknown factor for their prospective dates. If it was your child being redt to a newly single person what would you advise them to do?
its 92 days after a divorce that you are allowed remarry…
Aries, I don’t disagree. However the question was when should it be done and several people responded with what they believe the halacha allowed. I personally cannot understand how people who have been burned by divorce would WANT to get back on the horse so soon. However – it is not up to me. we also have no idea how long that marriage was a bad one, and how long the parties involved have waited to get on with their lives. I think the kids’ feelings should always be considered to some degree. it might be too soon for them to see their parent in a role that does not include the other parent. Lots of counseling is in order.
eclipse,
Actually, I thought you meant keep as in “still have”.
i dont like what earlier posters wrote about making sure your children are happy, children will b comfortable, adjusted and happy if they grow up in a home that thats what the parents believe, my “blended” family was always soooo normal, and yes, i cried for days when my mother told me she got engaged,,,,,young children are not old enought to b taken into the cheshbon, parents know what is best for them.
bjjkid, you are very lucky that you came out of a divorce and a remarriage/blended family OK. Halevai others were as lucky as you. Unfortunately not ALL parents care what is “BEST” for the kids and only care what is “BEST” for them. Their reasoning being “Aren’t I entitled to be happy?” Sure you are but only after you make sure your kids are happy and healthy. And that takes a lot of love and healing. Kids need to feel safe and secure before you make any further steps in your own life. Obviously your parents and step-parents were very considerate of you and your siblings best interests. And that is a lesson many of today’s parents can learn from them.
Just one more thing. Even though young children may not be old enough to know what’s best for them or old enough to have a say THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN INTO THE CHESBON!
i dont know,,,,its much more normal to live with an abba/totty then to live with a zaidy, i would think that it shd/wd b much easier for e/o if life continues on as quickly as possible……and parents would/have killed themselves for their kids, how could u say that they only care for themselves??? i think e/o would b happier if the kids thought for a moment how much their parents do/did for them and want them to b as happy as possible,,,,,also, e/t wd b much easier if there were not preconceived notions about step parents,,,,,,,,NO, they r NOT witches,,,,,
You are right, step parents are NOT necessarily witches, but not every step parent is prepared to take on the responsibility of someone else’s kids, nor do they always treat ALL the kids the same, mine and yours. Honestly YOU are very lucky. Your family is not the norm and your parents are really great parents. If only every parent was that smart, seriously I am not kidding. I have dealt with some very unfortunate kids and their parents.
i guess maybe we are exceptions, i dont really know because its not like any of my frnds or a/o i know for that matter has the same sitch, it was just always my fam and i cd honestly say i LOVE my step family and its one of Hashem’s biggest presents to me, but i thought that was regular, ive been wrong before 🙂
DY…yes,that too.
Bubble…even if food is 100% kosher,each person knows which foods are good for him personally at which time.
For example, a coffee is great in the morning but not before bedtime!
And pizza is tasty BUT AFTER CHICKEN WE MUST WAIT 6 HOURS…
Person A can have sugar,person B is diabetic…
And if someone gets “burnt” by a hot jalapeno…HE MIGHT EVEN BE SCARED TO TOUCH A REGULAR PEPPER FOR A LOOOONG TIME!!
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