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What is the appropriate way of rejecting a shidduch? If you know they won’t “get” your answer based on something you feel strongly about but it’s more personal and you also dont want them to think your picky…. do you say it out right?…like, they said xy and z and i don’t find it suitable or just say it’s not for me? Do you know what Im saying sometimes the idea is good but than the particulars aren’t for you? Does a shadchan get frustrated and stop thinking of you when you dont give them concrete reasons? thanx
I have the same query.
You can always say that she’s older than you.
A shadchan came to me with a shidduch for his own grandson and wanted her picture. I gave it to him. Then we decided not to go with it. He came with the boys picture and after looking at it I gave it back to him. He realized that I’m not interested because I didn’t keep it to show my daughter.
Say she’s way down on the list, and hope to get to her by the beginning of next year.
No matter what you say be sure to thank the shadchan for remembering you.This way the shadchan feels appreciated and is likely to keep thinking about you.
YES! Please say no! I am a mature person, don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I hate when a shidduch is redt and instead of politely declining, the boy simply does not get back to the shadchan. Let me know what you are thinking, so that we could put this behind us and get on to the next one.
Suddenly everyone is so concerned about the other parties feelings. Believe me, you are doing me a greater favor by saying no than by shlepping this out forever.
I think the first thing you do is express your appreciation for someone thinking enough of you to want to redt a shidduch. If it truly is not shayach (and would it REALLY kill you to go out once?????) then say simply that there are a few people who have been asking you before this one, and you feel an obligation to see those through first. Hopefully after not too long a time, the girl or boy they are presenting will have met someone else.
I always used the “I think she’s too frum for me” excuse. I never received a follow up question or had to defend myself after using such an excuse.
If you claim they are too frum, they’ll start redding you less frum people.
oomis-
I agree with what you said- except for the part about going out with the girl one time. If you are sure it is not for you, why waste your time and hers?
if you KNOW its not for you, why is it so difficult to say no. Find one excuse that you use.
As Addicted said, rather say no right away, (when you know it’s “no”) than drag it out thinking of an excuse…
I would go with a simple “No thank you”. Do you think that the person would be that offended?
often times when i say no to a guy, i will try to set him up with on of my friends unless there is something seriously wrong with him. So I say…so in so is not shayach for me, but I have a friend….people appreciate thoughtfulness 😉
You can always say Yes, go on a “date” then say no afterwards…you never know untill you meet someone face to face…
I don’t know why people think going on a date “just to see” is a good option. I think it is a rotten option.
Besides for the expense and time and emotion spent on the date, often, you have better options of who to date. Or you expect better options to arise imminently.
popa_bar_abba… I think you are being a bit overdramatic. What’s the harm in a cup of coffee? By the way, if one can’t afford a cup of coffee or a meal, how are they suppose to raise a family…I know hard workers like me who manage to work AND learn are suppose to support them right 😉
It is absolutelt untznius to go on a date when you know already you wont be marrying that person.
so right…I know someone who initially said no, but was convinvced to at least go on 1 date and now they are happily married. So, yes what is the harm?
shadchanim can put a lot of pressure to give a second date…especially when its a friend
Mike:
Are you kidding?
What does it cost to rent a car, drive from lakewood to flatbush, then to manhattan, and buy drinks in a hotel lobby? At least $120.
Let’s say from queens, and no rental; still 40 for gas and lobby drinks.
How about lost productivity. How much is a day’s seder worth? How much is night seder worth? I have paid huge amounts of money to be on time for a zman in my day.
Dating is expensive. If the shadchanim and girls don’t understand that, they should find out.
You can also use the “I’m on break now” excuse.
popa_bar_abba….LOL too funny. Kepp it up
popa_bar_abba….2 cups of coffee at starbucks $4.95
I’m very sorry you think it is funny.
cshapiro: Which part of my post did you not understand?
popa_bar_abba, i dont understand why u need to rent a car and go into the city??? i think u cause ur own anxiety … but it gives everyone else a good laugh so thank you!!!
I see. The fact is that most guys from lakewood rent a car for dates. It is much cheaper and easier than taking a bus and then using taxis.
The fact is also that most girls expect to be taken to the city.
I am not causing my own anxiety, this whole discussion is irrelevant to me.
Why don’t you tell us how much you think a date from lakewood to flatbush costs; from queens to flatbush; and from queens to Northern NJ.
Hiding behind a laugh makes someone a fool. Be careful it’s not you.
i tend to date guys who own their own car and take me to the city, but id prefer dave and busters over drinks at the view
popa_bar_abba, If these girls expect such lavish dates, then one should ask why they would want to marry someone like this? I’m sure there are plenty of places in Lakewood one can find a place where they can purchase and enjoy 2 cups of coffee for under $5
popa
Why are you under the impression EVERYONE is dating boys from Lakewood?
Member
It is absolutelt untznius to go on a date when you know already you wont be marrying that person.”
No, I do not think it is “not untzniusdig;” you use the word inappropriately, IMO. It is geneivas daas, however, the same way it is gn”d to go into a store in which you have 1000% absolutely no intention of spending a penny, and take up the time of the storeowner to show you his stock, just “to take a look,” unless you tell him that when you first go in.
You cannot be absolutely certain of anything in shidduchim, unless you already know the person being redt to you, and know why it is not shayach, especially if there is a chance the other party might BE interested.
Lakewood is the center of the world 😉
I don’t think first dates have to be expensive, but two strangers meeting for coffee is not always so enjoyable either, especially if the girl doesn’t drink coffee. Spring for a slice of pizza, or go for ice cream, for Heaven’s sake! You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression, and you don’t want that impression to be that you are a cheap and inconsiderate clod. And girls, the same applies to you in another way. Make certain you are appreciative when a guy is showing thoughtfulness on a date.
mike: the girls are from flatbush, they don’t want to come to lakewood.
Sacrilege: You will notice I put up numbers for queens (chofetz chaim) as well.
My point is that the price of the drinks is negligible to the price of the date. The overhead costs are the main costs. However, you should also note that two drinks in a hotel lobby are usually about $15 after tax and tip.
oomis-
I agree with what you said- except for the part about going out with the girl one time. If you are sure it is not for you, why waste your time and hers? “
Because getting to know someone is NEVER a waste of time – he/she might not be for you in the final analysis, but by getting to meet that person, you might see someone who while not YOUr bashert, might be perfect for your sibling, cousin, best friend, neighbor, etc.
That’s how my nephew met his wife. She reluctantly went out with his best friend when they were set up by a mutual friend, and they immediately knew they were not for each other, but the friend also knew she was right for my nephew (and boy was he ever right about that!).
Meeting new people is only a waste of time if you make it a waste of time. At worst, you have most likely spent an hour or two of your time with someone not suitable for you. At best, you have unexpectedly found your zivug. Unless the girl absolutely refuses to go out with a boy who is not learning full-time in Kollel and he is already getting his Masters, or he is 5′ tall and she is 6’2″ AND IT BOTHERS THEM, or unless one or both of them are really obnoxious people, all dates should be seriously considered before being rejected, IMO.
oomis-
I agree that many shidduchim can come out this way, but who goes into a date saying “hmmm, lets see who I acn set her up with.”
I know I wouldn’t want to date someone who has no intention of even considering me as a marriage partner.
There are shadchanim for a reason (though being in the parsha, I am starting to loose my trust in them)
GOOD WAY TO SAY NO WITHOUT HURTING FEELINGS:
Try saying “We really appreciate that you thought of us, and for all your efforts, but we feel this shidduch is not compatible. Many thanks. Please try us with other names”
A little episode that happened to me persoanlly a few years ago.
I had been married for 6/7 years, and was flying to NY. At the airport a gentleman came over to me – I did not know him personally. He asked me my name, and then proceeded to tell me that his wife wanted to suggest a shidduch for me whilst visiting New York. I told him “No problem. I must first check with my wife and kids!”
He soon enough ran into his little corner, quite embarrased.
Is that a good way of saying no?
LOL yaff80. Reminds me of a story my father had. A girl asked him out. (Weird, I know. It’s usually the other way around.) His response was “I don’t think my wife will approve.” She was also quite embarrassed.
Yaff-
LOL! Too bad that can’t work with girls. Its usually kinda obvious.
A good way of saying no – “Thank you…blah blah, I did my research and I heard wonderful things but I dont think it’s for me.”
Oomis – for those that date seriously, Like in my circles for example, it is very stressful to JUST DATE. A lot of thought and research goes into each meeting. I dated only 3 boys before I met my husband.
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