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How did you know that you met your bashert?
justabachur
I was thinking of starting a similar thread. Let’s see what people say.
Truth is – you don’t “know.” You hope. You use your brain and your instincts, but for most (all?) of us there is no “aha!” moment. You need to ask yourself honestly and repeatedly if you believe that this person is truly right for you, if you can see yourself living with him/her for the rest of your life, and if this is really right for you. There will be no clap of thunder or beam of light that will tell you that this is your bashert. Even after marriage, you are likely to find yourself questioning.
The best piece of advice that I ever heard was that rather than questioning your decision when times are rough (and I mean regular rough patches, obviously not anything drastic), tell yourself that your spouse was meant for you – don’t wonder if s/he is. Wondering will set you on the fast track to dissatisfaction and c”v destruction.
Rabbi Bursztyn, the principal of BYLA, is well-known for saying “if you’re seeing stars, all that means is that it’s dark outside.”
Don’t wait for a magic moment. It doesn’t (normally) happen.
Because we had the same hashkafos and goals and both liked each other. No one came down from heaven and told me its bashert. I assumed it was because everything matched up
if you marry her, she’s your ‘bashert’ if not, not.
some people say “you just have that feeling that it’s the right one” but this DOES NOT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE, far from it. The decision has to be made with a lot of sechel, and be well thought out. Some people say, you know its the right one if you feel completely comfortable with the other person. (like you would to a sibling). Again, this works for some and not for others.
I would say daven hard that Hashem shows you if it’s the right one or not
I think the concept of bashert is misunderstood. People make mistakes, all sorts of factors come in. you have to use your brain. A marriage wont always be the perfect fit, but that’s why G-d created marriage- to bring out the worst in us so we will work on it.
My grandmother told me that when you feel the “click” you’ll know she’s the right one.
After a few dates with my wife I had to seriously think if she was my bashert or not. I mentally replayed all of our dates replacing her face with the face of the least appealing person I dated to make sure it was her personality that I liked and not just her looks.
I was more positive that she was the right one but didn’t feel the “click” until my wife asked me if we can have an argument to see if we can agree to disagree. We had the argument (we still don’t agree on that issue) but we saw that we can respect each other’s opinion even if we don’t agree.
That’s when I felt we “clicked”.
Actually there are 2 concepts of so-called bashert in marriage. There’s the normal concept of bashert as meaning destined for you only. As the Gemora says, 40 days before yetziras havlad, they call out in Heaven, bas ploni l’ploni. The second concept is that of merit, who the two of you deserve. The Gemora says on this that it means for a 2nd zivug. That said, sometimes a 1st shidduch can happen, because that’s what Hashem wants or because one of the pair poshut prayed hard enough, that isn’t bashert as being destined but rather according to the spiritual status of the two individuals. And sometimes its the 2nd zivug that is the bashert one. We don’t know. All we can do is be maaminim bnei maaminim and have faith that Hashem will send the right zivug to each of us. In any case, as has been said here, each individual should always try the utmost to be reasonable and kind to their spouse. That will generally work out quite favorably. The main thing is not so much is it bashert but rather is it working as a yiddish family should be working.
I heard someone say
“We ordered the same thing in the restaurant so we knew it was bashert.” I thought that was a poor way to judge bashert.
Dr. Pepper:
What did you argue about?
We learned that who you marry is bashert but its not necissarily your Bashert.
Personally, I dont think about these things< I think it would just drive me crazy.
Ben Torah-
Oy vey, I knew someone was going to ask.
Story was- shadchan tries to set me up with a girl, I already knew enough about her to know that she wasn’t for me (not just a personality issue but a skeleton hiding in the closet). Being that there was nothing to discuss (no point in saying any loshon hora) I didn’t give any reason just a strong “no”. The shadchan, not knowing about the skeleton, just assumed I was nervous to start dating and told the girl I wanted to go out with her.
We both agreed that if it’s a strong “no” then there’s no reason to give the shadchan any reason. What we didn’t agree on was if I should have gone out with her or not.
Dr. Pepper:
Let me guess – your wife feels you shouldn’t have, and you feel you should have (and did).
How was that for a guess?
Correct,
And let me guess how you knew that- you thought I shouldn’t go out with her and know that we can’t agree on anything? 🙂
I think you know because you have a sense of peace and calm about your decision. You can’t get that person out of your head. Sort of like you are having breakfast and think of what the other person is having for breakfast or if you are eating french toast wonder if the other person also likes french toast. You start thinking of things in terms of WE instead of I. Your mind set changes even before you get engaged. Its like a smooth transition.
How did know? The shaddchan told me so!
Seriously. We had a 6 hour 1st date, followed by two daytime dates that were 6-8 hours long. If that’s not a sign we can marry, I’m not sure what is.
That and the fact she said “yes, I’ll marry you” sorta nailed it.
For me & my husband we clicked right away- conversations just flowed naturally- we each felt like we just wanted to tell each other everything & thats why our dates went on till 3 am!!! 😉 I personally felt something was different about my husband than any other guy & by the 5th date I knew I wanted to marry him …some people have strong gut feelings that this is the one (like I BH did) but I know my friends sometimes couldnt decide whether he was right or not but general rule is keep going out if theres no reason to say no and see if the relationship builds up—you should like the person more after each date good luck!
another thing about the term “bashert”
the bashert that is for the neshama, that a bas kol comes out forty days before yetziras havlad…
a person CAN miss that bashert, and have an unbelievable shalom bayis with someone else they married.
on the other hand, someone can marry their real bashert and have a horrible shalom bayis.
in short, the shalom bayis of the couple has nothing to do with it being the real bashert or not.
SDHN, in truth, if one wants to or rather if 2 people really want to they can make any marriage work if they are committed to do so. And we see this in arranged marriages which wind up working if the couple choose to love and respect each other according to Torah Guidelines.
i think if youre asking the question, you probably havent found her/him yet. Its one of those things you just know.
Totally irrelevant question:
Just curious if people ask the same question before they close on a home. After all its the same gemara….. Bas Ploni L’ploni, Bayis Ploni L’ploni…
If the question is how do i know this person would make a great mother/father or wife/husband
Now that’s a great question (and perhaps the only relevant question necessary to answer prior to getting engaged)
she opened the door, and i knew it. been married for 20 yrs!
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“Just curious if people ask the same question before they close on a home.”
No. But the banks sure do. Man, how many banks have pulled out of the deal at the last second….
very few actually – they really don’t have that option in residential real estate, barring an unfixable problem with the building or title, or a borrower losing a job. Other than that, a closing may be postponed, but is rarely cancelled.
A small exception was when the credit crisis struck in 2007 or 08, and all the rules changed instantly, and no one knew what was what.
ron
Actually, banks do it all the time. They send the commitment and then pull the deal. Seen it happen dozens of times…
No one wants a bad loan.
I had a clear, logical sign that had nothing to do with the heart.
All the times I dated, I came to the girl’s home and met her parents. The mothers were very often gracious and nice, the fathers more skeptical.
It was raining the evening of my first date with my wife. I rang the bell, and a younger girl invited me inside while she called for her sister. As I was stepping forward to close the front door behind, my date’s mother came from the kitchen, looked at my soaking shoes, and snapped, “Unless you’re going to pay for the carpet cleaner, you can either stay where you are or take off your shoes.”
At that moment, I knew that I had met my mother-in-law.
chessedname, i disagree. if you married someone, that was bashert, but it could be that it was bashert that you married your not-bashert!
telegrok
Talk about signs from heaven!
Instead of worrying about whether the girl you’re dating is your bashert or not, focus on the things you *can* be aware of:
Her midos
Her personality
Her looks
Her hashkafos
How she makes you feel.
If she’s good in all those areas, then go for it and don’t worry about if she’s your bashert or not.
The Wolf
FWIW, Eeees and I knew within three weeks of meeting each other that it wasn’t a matter of *if* we were going to get married but *when*. For us, everything just “clicked” in place. But then again, I know couples who are just as happily married as we are that did not have that instantaneous “click.”
So, in other words, if it happens, great. If it doesn’t, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happily married to the person.
The Wolf
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