Sibling Rivalry: How to get them to stop fighting

The best antidote is to keep them busy non-stop. If it looks like some fight is coming up, give one an errand or give them something to do.

Sibling rivalry and sibling fighting are two different things. Many siblings are jealous of each other but never fight with each other specifically because of the rivalry. One may be upset that another broke a favorite toy. Another might be angry because the other one is not doing his or her chores. Rivalry comes from jealousy, and it is hard for parents to ALWAYS treat all their kids the same. You really can’t. Each child is unique and needs a specific type of attention at times. If the children ARE fighting though, they need to be separated and the parents have to give them equal time to explain what happened and why, without rancor and/or prejudice.

It really DOES seem to be normal for most kids to think their parents love the other one better. It’s when they act out as a result of that jealousy, that there is a problem. And parents have to ask themselves – ARE they possibly showing favoritism to one child over the other, consistently? If so, it has to be addressed.

“Sometimes it’s best to let them handle the problem on their own”

Yes, I do agree with that. But sometimes a parent has to step in, too. The trick is to know the difference and when it is necessary.

Actions and reactions need to be age appropriate –

If siblings are arguing, I usually try to stop them and find out what they are arguing about and HELP them to come to an appropriate resolution. If a toy is desired to be played with by both parties, they can’t seem to figure out a way to either share, play together or just take turns then it becomes my property and I will allow time to pass and present the opportunity to try it again. This really works even into their teens!

I also “catch’ them in moments of sharing and interacting nicely and remind them how fortunate they are to have each other.

I don’t like yelling and fighting in my home – in anger.

We do yell and scream for good behaviors and accomplishments! B”H we yell alot lately!

When I was girl I was amongst a bunch of lovely sisters and we didnt fight too often, I barely knew sibling rivalry existed. Then I got married to a husband part of a family of boys and I could not believe my eyes.

Today My husband is way more easygoing than I am when it comes to siblings fighting in my home since he sees it as a normal part of growing up. My husband says it will pass and the more emphasis you put on it, the more you blow it up. I am learning to agree, Kids fight one second and the next minute they are best buddies.

shtarky, as a parent you have to realize that NOT each child is treated equally. Different children have different needs. Just like you wouldn’t put one child in therapy bec another child is getting it, similarly, some children need more leniency while others need a firmer hand etc. Parents need loads of Siyata Dishmaya to determain exactly what each child needs while at the same time avoiding jealousy.

This of course is the same advice we get from a famous Chazal, learned from Yaakov Avinu…80

But I think shtarky agrees with this. shtarky said to treat each child equally. I think he/she meant treat each child fairly and do not show a bias towards one over the other. I don’t think that by equal, shtarky meant to treat them all in the same way. Or so I would think that was what was meant…80

Many children be it at home or in the classroom view fair as equal. Children are not mature enough to understand that diff children have different needs.

I don’t treat my children equally but I do try to treat them fairly. My oldest is on a restricted medical diet, so I will go to greater effort & expense to buy her foods she can eat than I will for my other kids. I tell my other kids that this is because she has fewer food choices (& outside of her presence we’ll discuss in more detail how difficult it is to adhere to a restricted diet), and they seem to understand.

I don’t have favorites among my children but I love different aspects of each one. I try to accept each as he/ she is, and relate to them according to their interests, while helping them to be the best they can. My oldest son is interested in sports; he knows that I don’t know much about it but I’ll help him look up scores & he’ll tell me about his favorite players. And of course I enjoy hearing about his latest basketball or baseball game. I don’t think I’ll ever love sports, but I do love him.

Also I try to reward & encourage them to work together & help each other. I point out to the older kids how much the younger kids admire them. At the same time I try not to give the older kids too much responsibility for the younger ones. My kids know that I will allow them to make more noise/ a bigger mess if they are working together and getting along than if they are fighting.

One thing I’ve learned not to do is to expect my kids to be like me, or to be like each other. I know a family where the children, while growing up, were told, “why can’t you be like your sibling?” when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Today they are adults but still criticize each other over minor differences.