- This topic has 27 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 15 years, 12 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
I know that it is written that a child has to respect their parents, but does it mention that a child must respect their stepparent as well? And if this is mentioned can someone tell me what is written, and where I can find the direct quote? Also what is the punishment for one disrespecting their stepparent, and wouldn’t it be disrespectful to the parent if their child treats their stepparent in a rude manner? Thanks!
Take a look in Yoreh Deah, Hilchos Kibud Av Va’eim, If I’m not mistaken it’s Siman 240.
I believe there is a Shach there that says that there is no din Kibud Av Va’eim for a step-parent, however they do have to be respected like any other zakein.
Check it up though, I don’t have it in front of me so I may be misquoting.
Aside from being purly theoreitical, why is this even a question?
Yoshi, whilst I have no idea of where anything on this subject is written in seforim I am rather stunned at the post itself.
One gives respect to anyone older than oneself and in fact one gives respect to everyone. Respect is based on polite civil behaviour.
Asking what is the punishment for disrepecting a step-parent – the punishment is seeing the distress caused to the biological parent and the family.
Should this question even be asked?. If the question needs to be asked – I am sorry for the situation that caused it to arise.
Yoshi, do you have a stepparent? I wonder if any of the previous posters do.
I have a step father whom I absolutely love. He is a wonderful addition to the family and makes my mother so happy.
However, he came into our lives at an opportune time. All of us were already out on our own. He didnt try to be a “parent” to us, just my mothers husband. We have great respect for him.
If your stepparent is interfering with your relationship with your biological parent, I could see how you might want to hurt your step parent. Just keep in mind – you dont want to create a rift between you and your parent OR between your parent and step parent. Its a sticky situation.
I dont know the halachic answer, but I cannot imagine that hurting your step parent is as severe as your parent. BUT, none of us really know the stakes…
Nobody,
I don’t really agree with you, because while you are right that it should be obvious that a step-parent must be respected, there are some laws that apply specifically and more stringently to a parent. Also, sefarim discuss a lot of things that you may consider theoretical.
SJSinNYC,
Although I criticize you in many threads (sorry), I have to say that I am very impressed. It seems to me that a step-parent is the stickiest kind of relationships and I see some of the finest people have a hard time with it. My mother grew up with a step-parent who she had a lot of issues with. Once she got married she became much closer with her and took care of her when she was very sick with cancer. After she was niftar, my grandfather remarried again and his current wife is respected and loved by all!
I think a big problem with step-parents is the step children think they can manage perfectly fine wihtout him/her and don’t see a need for their presence. What they don’t realize is that the parent needs a spouse and would be very unhappy alone.
A young boy once told my mother soon after his father re-married, “You know what’s hardest about having a step-parent? You need to say thank you for everything.”
Of course it’s nice to say thank you to a real parent but from a step-parent, as nice as they are it’s not natural. So to all of you who say OF COURSE you have to have respect… It’s true but realize that it’s not as easy as you think.
I was fifteen when my father died and seventeen when my mother remarried. At this point I’ve had a step-father for longer than I had a father. My views on this subject are compltely framed in the context of his presence in my life. I cannot think of a single bad thing the man has ever done to me. He takes amazing care of my mother, and she of him. He has been a friend and advisor to me over the years and is a wonderful grandfather to my kids. His generosity knows no bounds. The gifst he buys my children are as nice and significant as those he buys his biological grandchildren. Life without him would have been very different; in a very bad way I think. conversly my best friend has a step-mother; a woman who was totally ill equipped to deal with the six year old orphan of a step son she acquired. They never had a good relationship and his father was of no help in the situation. She demanded complete obediance from him, withheld afection from the poor kid and even beat him for his infractions. All the while this pathetic child thought it was G-d punishing him for killing his mother (his mother once jokingly said to him “A– you’ll be the death of me.” She soon got sick and died). This lady was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. He has a very different POV on this issue than do I. It’s not simply about does one have to respect a step parent. There is a flip side to it; does a step-parent have to respect a step-child and thereby earn respect? Remember it is the step-parent who is the tzi gekimminer” and not the other way around.
yoshi – I happened to have “The Fifth Commandment” by Rabbi Moshe Lieber (mentioned above) right behind my workstation – so I looked into it. see Page 159 – accorrding to the footnotes, the Gemara on Kesubos deals with this (103a). Additionally it mentions that the Chofetz Chaim identifies this as a full fledged Biblical directive. there are your sources.
too often when this kind of question is posed, it means that someone is looking to demand respect and wants to find proof that they have a right to it without regard for why the person might not feel like giving it(eg. are you putting your foot down and demanding your due or are you acting like a mentcsh?) while there is an obligation to honor the parent there is also an obligation not to provoke rebelliousness.
intellegent, dont worry about criticizing me! I can handle it 🙂 You are usually respectful even though you disagree. I respect your right to vehemently disagree with me, so long as you respect my right to my opinion (or psak or whatever else we are debating)
Yoshi, good luck with the family gathering! I know at times it can be difficult and as I dont know your exact situation it would be hard to give good advice. Maybe the best piece of advise is know your audience! Try to avoid the “emotion stirring” and keep the peace. Not always easy (or feasible!) – good luck!
Happy Thanksgiving! We have a lot to be thankful for, even in times of economic hardship.
as a child with a step-parent since i was a small child, no-one here unless a step child themselves, can in any circumstance understand what being a step child is like. it is great 90% of the time, but 10% is unimaginable. a stepfather is very different then having a stepmother. fathers create their loving bond through interaction with their children. so technically a stepfather can act no different then a regular father. a stepmother cannot, as her bond with her natural children can never be mimicked (it can come close, as it comes from carrying the baby from the womb. a stepchild to a stepmother feels no close motherly bond their entire life, and this can cause undue anguish.
people have mentioned here that it will fall under the category of respecting elders. that is a huge difference. respecting ones elders and ones parents have much different rules. if a parent tell you do get him/her something, you have to. if an older person does, you can decline if you have something else pressing to do. a parent makes that pressing matter go to the back burner.
i think the poster meant respect in the meaning of reverence. and the answer is no. at least medioraysoh. mederabonon, it is learned from the extra es in kabed es avicha c”ES” emecha, that all other wives of a father. (this goes back to the day of multiple wives). a step father may not have even this.
but before everyone jumps down the posters throat, just thank g-d you have both your parents. while seeing your natural parent taken care of does allow for some comfort in what you go through during your life as a stepchild, it doesn’t compare to the hurt of not having your mother or father there in your life.
Try any Judaica stoer, it should be cheaper. Buying Judaica on Amazon is likely to be way more expensive than in ur local shop
Kovod for one’s parents, stepparents, older siblings, and virtually all human beings, should not be a question to be paskened. It should be show to all. You and I have no mandate to LOVE a stepparent, but out of respect for our own parents, we should always be respectful of the person to whom they are married. If it were always an easy thing to do, this question would not have been asked. Sometimes there is great resentment of the “step” for literally stepping into the place of the parent who is out of the picture, whether through death or divorce. Children of divorce often harbor the belief that the parents will get back together BUT for the interloper who has taken mom or dad’s place. Irrespective of whether or not that belief is realistic, respect must be shown, if only to make the parent happy. In the case where the step might have been directly responsible for the breakup of the marriage, something which we do unfortunately see (though rare in the frum world, it still does happen, chalila), then I would say the children should refrain from contact with the stepparent, if they understandably feel they cannot be civil.
My dear daughter-in-law just lost her step-father suddenly this past month. Her bio dad is alive, B”H, and in her life, but it was her stepdad, whom I truly considered to be my dear mechutan, who was largely responsible for her sister’s and her upbringing. He was a great dad to them, and her loss was immeasurable. BUT, because her own dad is alive, she had to refrain from certain expressions of her grief, and felt like she didn’t belong anywhere, while her mom and his birth children sat shiva together. I believe that children can and should show honor and respect to a stepparent. It should not even be a question.
Mariner, I hate to say this having not been in your shoes. I am a) a woman, b) have stepmother, and c) she married my father when I was myself married. But according to your logic, an adoptive mother can’t have the same relationship either. I really don’t think you mean that, but are reflecting on your experiences and observations over the year, which I do respect.
oomis1105: i am very happy YOU believe that children should respect their step parents, but you honestly have no clue about which you talk!
not all step parents are there due to a divorce. some are there due to a death of a parent, which i think is worse, as their is no true love being felt by 2 biological parents, and even the thought of it being possible at a later time, as in the case of a divorce where one parent may not be involved at that time, destroys a child. for a child to not want to respect a step parent is into cut and dry. remember the respect being questioned about is not typical respect. its parental respect, very very different. i am very happy your dear daughter in law had a close relationship with her stepdad, but as i said before, a stepdad and a stepmom are very different creatures. what a child needs from their mom and dad are very different. i love my stepmom, but there are times i cannot stand her, and for extremely valid reasons! there are times i had asked shailos, and was told under no circumstances was i to acquiesce to her wishes, as they were counter to mine. if she was a real parent, i would have had to! even though my father wanted me to listen to her, as it was not his wish per se, i did not have to listen. these are shailos that only a stepchild can understand, and noone else may question them. realize, you may be giving bad tochacha to a yosom, and bothering a yosom for any reason is a huge no-no! be very careful where you tread, for it is something you know nothing about!
tzippi: i am saying exactly that. it is physically impossible for a step or adoptive mother to have the same love for a biological child as their step adoptive one. this is a medical fact. a biological mother has a bond with her children driven by chemicals in the brain, created through the baby being in the womb. this cannot be created any other way. she can try and mimic it to the best of her ability, but it is apparent many times that it is not the same. my stepmom did a great job, but it clearly not the same. you say you have a stepmother, but you had her when you were already married, so all she is being used for by that time maternally is for advice, and that anyone can give, even your mother in law! as a child growing up, major walls are built psychologically between a step child and his/her stepmother. no one is to blame for them, as it is natural. resentment, anger, sacredness, feeling of isolation and that no-one is there for you is what a child with a stepmother feels. it is this reason why only a rov with major yidios in these situations, with very careful kid gloves may answer these shailos. again, this can be dealing with the feelings of yesomim, due to the fact they are yesomim, and should be treated in a way that to the masses is un-understandable.
sorry if i am coming off very strong, i just feel like alot of people are throwing halchos around for which they know nothing about, and this is not just a typical halachic discussion. the torah strictly warns about hurting the feeling of yesomim because they are yesomim.
Mariner – boy could you not have more misunderstood me than you did! I thought I was clear that you cannot force someone to love a stepparent. Nonetheless, you should act with derech eretz to the step, just as you should to ALL people. Does that m,ean you have to do everything they say, especially if it is a total contradiction of how you feel? No, i don’t beleive that is the case all the time. But even a refusal to do something should be doen with derech eretz. And unless I misunderstand YOU, did you mean to imply that a non-biological parent cannot love a child as much as that biological parent? I have known adoptive parents who were MORE loving to their children than the biological parents. My cousin married a man with five children (one a two year old), after his wife died. She was being married for the first time. NO one could be a more loving mother than she has been to those children.
There are times when ALL children cannot stand their parents, usually when they are denied something they want. it has to do with the fact of the authority, not whose DNA runs through their veins. If you and your Stepmom have difficulties at times, I hope you are able to work through them, if only for your father’s sake. He should not have to feel he is caught in a tug of war between you, at any time. I do not know you or your personal situation, so I am not judging, and please do not think I am. I wish you well.
oomis1105: I have known adoptive parents who were MORE loving to their children than the biological parents. this may seem true, but it is not. the love is a different love. there are all sorts of loves in life. those of a parent, a spouse and to children. a biological mothers love cannot be copied, only mimiced.
i dont know if this is too personal or not but cantoresq you really sound like my uncle!! its weird how so many things i read about you fit the bill but at the same time my i doubt my uncle would frequent this site. one question- what kind of law do you practice?
“this may seem true, but it is not. the love is a different love. there are all sorts of loves in life. those of a parent, a spouse and to children. a biological mothers love cannot be copied, only mimiced. “
Maybe it is true of people with whom you are acquainted, but I have seen biological moms who are not fit to raise a window shade, much less their own children. There is no concept of love in them, only control and intimidation, by alternately giving love effusively then withholding it. Theoretically what you say SHOULD be true, in the best of all worlds. In real life, however, the opposite is true all too often. pick up any newspaper to see that what I say is true. Biology does not automatically confer loving parent status on anyone. it should, but it doesn’t. I have to strongly, but respectfully disagree with your words.
oomis1105: what your doing is bringing negative proof, which is no proof at all. a mother who abuses her child or is indiffernet to them is not normal, and not something to bring a proof. if a mother only has adoptive or step children, then all is equal, and no harm can be seen. when a step-parent also has biological children, which is in most cases, then the love they are showing their own children will never be the same as their step/adoptive children, no matter what. if she treats her natural kids like garbage, more so the non-biological ones.
negative proofs, like the ones you brought, are never used in research for that exact reason, they are negative, as they negate the norm. a rapist can technically be a better parent then a non rapist, if the rapist only rapes adult males or females, and dodes on children. if the non rapist is emotionally abusive, they will do more damage. but this is abnormal and cannot be used as proof that rapists make good parents.
Speeking as someone with step parents, and who is A step parent I can say it is sometimes a difficult relationship. Mutual respect must be earned and worked on but it can be a good thing.
FWIW I get along very well with my step parents and step children
Sorry, Mariner, but I do not agree with a great deal of what you said. And your words do a disservice to the very loving adoptive and step-parents, who would tell you they could not love their kids more if they HAD birthed them. While I understand the point you are TRYING to make, that the love a mother has for the child who grew inside her womb is something special, you err in my opinion, in thinking that the mother who did not grow that child in her womb would not feel that same love. In fact, an argument could be made for the idea that a woman who could not birth children at all, would just as strongly if not more strongly emotionally connect with the child she is able to adopt, because she does not take that child’s existence for granted. Love SHOULD be an automatic and innate emotion between birth mother and child, but medical evidence shows that all too often, it is not the case. I am not going to discuss this with you further, as you seem to have a personal stake in this issue, and I am not qualified to
address your concerns. I am not sure why it is so important to you to make your point, that you prefer not to see the possibility that another viewpoint is also valid. This is only a blog, after all.
I am also not sure why you brought rapists into this thread. A pervert is a pervert. There is no love in such a person. There is only good acting, if they are able to convince anyone that they are good parents.
It appears to this moderator that the author asked a question for a source for having and showing respect for step-parents. The sources have been provided.
- The topic ‘Respect For One’s Stepparent?’ is closed to new replies.