Step Three – Understand What You Think of Yourself:

Once you follow through with step two you must reconsider whether or not you’re a good person. All of your previous opinions should be discarded and you must start over. To do this right, you’ll need a working definition of what is a good person. Before I give you a definition, I must first tell you what should and shouldn’t be included in the definition.

Individuals shouldn’t decide whether they’re good or bad based on their lack of successes as compared to other people’s successes. The reason is that some people are more naturally gifted than others. One can’t be defined as good or not  good based on things that are out of their control, or by things that come naturally to them.

So how do we define a good person?

A good person is one who wakes up every morning, does his/her best, and goes to sleep with a commitment to do the same or better tomorrow. Notice that it doesn’t say anything about success. It talks about doing one’s best. I personally enjoy the company of such individuals immensely more than others with whom I speak, regardless of where they’re “holding in life”. People who try to do their best are “real”. They have inner strength. They are as good as people come.

The beauty of this definition is that anyone can be it. All they need to do is to be focused and committed. It becomes easy to feel good, deservingly so, and to grow and grow.

Step Four – A warning and a tip

It’s not simple to decide that the last fifteen or fifty years that one lived was in error and to change one’s nature for the good. Anytime people want to change their nature, it takes time, with some successes and a few failures thrown in the mix. Ask anyone trying to stop biting their nails, or to lose a few pounds, and you’ll find that the attempt to change, even simple things, usually requires some failures, patience and commitment.

Improving ones self-image is even more difficult. To stop biting ones nails is relatively easy. People bite their nails because it relieves their stress, but they know they shouldn’t because it looks ugly. There is no confusion about what’s expected. However, it takes time to stop biting one’s nails. Insecurity is rooted deep in the subconscious. The cause, and the need for it, is protected under layers and layers of excuses, deflections and coverings. It won’t be easy. If you’re like most people you’ll be tempted to give up after one or two failures.

The following describes how to tackle major internal change (this is an excerpt of an article I recently wrote):

You’re now attempting to change a habit or pattern that you’ve had for a long time. Begin to wear down the desire to continue your old habits. This will take time. People frequently become disillusioned when, after a few attempts, they’re unable to overcome years of a certain behavior. It is unrealistic to expect success in a short time.

When you feel the urge to continue to act in a manner that has caused you unhappiness, such as reacting with anger, repeat the following: “I know that I really want to get upset, but I also know that I believe that it’s wrong for me to want to do it and it’s unfair to my spouse and/or to my children. It’s not worth the price that I’m going to have to pay.”

How does this work? If individuals attempt to stop doing something they’ve done for many years, they’ll find that reminding themselves that it’s wrong will initially fail, making them lose the desire to try again. To avoid this, individuals must recognize that they must wear down their desires and that this process will need many repetitions before it succeeds.

Here are the different steps that must take place before they’ll succeed:

1) Remembering only after completely finishing what they said they wouldn’t do.

2) Remembering while doing it but being unable to stop.

3) Remembering while doing it and stopping.

4) Remembering before beginning to do it.

5) Not having an urge to do it.

Each stage may require 10-20 attempts.

Today’s society is always looking for angles to change itself. No one wants to change through shear willpower. However, in many circumstances this is what’s required. If they’re willing to describe their desire to others, their friends and advisors can help by cheering them on and guiding them through the five steps above. What they must always remember is that it’s their own life that’s at stake. It’s their responsibility.

Step Five – Step back and Observe

A very important part of changing is the ability to self reflect. In simple terms this means a willingness to say to oneself, “What I did was wrong and this is why.” It may mean saying something like, “Why do I get upset at my spouse when I do similar things and believe that I’m right.”

To do this correctly a person must practice doing what I refer to as an “out of body experience”. This means that the person must become a master at understanding human nature. Understanding others will greatly help one understand oneself.

An out of body experience is done by observing others without interacting with them. Instead, one stays on the side. It’s amazing how much one can notice. The child who always seemed angry is finally recognized as being upset. The mother who always seemed impatient is finally seen for what she is, worn out. The father who always seemed critical is understood to be insecure, deserving pity instead of rejection.

This is a very important part of the process and it should not be skipped. However, the goal is not to conclude that everyone has problems and to belittle them. The goal is to understand that we all have personal issues that we grapple with, and that noticing them in others will allow us to accept them within ourselves.

In addition, noticing human weaknesses in others is easier than self-reflecting. Once a person has learned to interpret another person’s thoughts and motives, it’s easier to see those same thoughts and motives in oneself. For instance, noticing that a sibling gets angry at others when they’ve had a bad day, will make it easier to notice and admit it when it’s true about oneself.

Step six – Learning How to Communicate More Effectively

Having an understanding of the way people think, act and react, will make it easier to begin something very difficult; effectively communicating with others. Many people with a low self image have never engaged in a difficult conversation. They either shy away from it or get hysterical. Even when they do engage in difficult conversations, they tend to be so frustrated, and feel so mistreated, that they end up focusing on the unfairness of the situation rather than focusing on trying to determine a solution.

Knowing that one can have a conversation, convey ones true thoughts, and speak in a manner that can positively affect an outcome, can change one’s outlook of oneself. Being able to guide a conversation will help one understand one’s spouse and children. Communicating turns others and oneself into real people with real interests, fears, and hopes.

To communicate with others a person must understand the other person’s thoughts, fears and hopes. Here are some “thoughts” to make one a better communicator and a more understanding person.

1.    A person must believe that their choice of words make a difference. People convince themselves that, “It doesn’t matter what I say, he/she won’t listen to common sense.” Every person has experienced one or two people who, through their patience, ability to articulate, and most importantly, their conveying an open-mindedness and empathy, have changed their attitude about something. You can be that person.

2.    A person should understand that how others act does not necessarily show how they’re thinking. Their pride, stubbornness, or feelings of helplessness may make them react in a manner that appears to be motivated by a careless attitude. Recognizing how complex we are, should give us an idea of how complicated others are. Concentrate more on how you yourself would be thinking/feeling in this situation, rather than on just drawing conclusions based on how the other person reacted.

3.    A person must study people. Humanize the person you are speaking to. They may be wrong, but understanding “where they’re coming from” will make it easier to turn the conversation into a logical one.

4.    Self control is a must in conversations. A person’s first reaction may often be to become frustrated and walk away. People usually do that because they feel that they can’t win. People who are willing to pause, focus and respond can “win”. The definition of “win” means that both individuals walk out of the conversation understanding each other’s view.

5.    Words must be carefully chosen. Saying “I can’t” is vastly different from saying, “It’s really hard for me to do this. Can I do it in another way?” Saying, “You’re wrong,” is vastly different from, “Are you sure? I thought that it was …”

6.    Explain things. The more a person understands why the other person wants something, the quicker they’ll be willing to honor the request. People are often afraid to explain why they want something. Some feel that having to explain means that they don’t “deserve it” unless the other person acknowledges their need (similar to a child). Others believe that if they explain themselves they’ll open themselves up for an argument. These beliefs are generally not true. If individuals explain their need, it may make the other persons want to be a partner in what they’re doing. If they’re asking for a favor for their personal needs, it may make the other individuals feel good because they’re sharing a little of themselves with them. In both cases it’ll make the other person feel like a partner and not a slave.

7.    After explaining one’s thoughts, one has to offer alternatives. It’s not a black or white world. It doesn’t have to be either yes or no. There are alternatives. Be creative. If you can’t do “x” offer “y”. “Y” may be good enough, as good, and possibly even better. It’s important for individuals to understand that when they reject a favor, the person whose favor was rejected is uncertain as to whether it was the favor that was rejected or if, subconsciously, it was the person that was rejected. By offering an alternative, the individuals are confident that they were not rejected. If there were any feelings of rejection, they are much less extreme.

8.    Offering alternatives motivates creativity. Think “out of the box”. However, people who only have a little self-image are not used to being creative. I often suggest that a person consider every possibility, even ones that don’t make sense. Frequently, with some adjustments, the senseless ideas are what are needed to make everyone happy.

9.    A willingness to “give in”. If the goal is compromising, then there’ll be a lot of giving in. Accept this as part of having friends and living one’s life. It doesn’t mean that “I never get my way”.

10.   Communication takes patience. Saying the correct things doesn’t mean that the individuals will get what they want. Often the other person will respond to logic with illogic; to selflessness with pure selfishness. Here’s where a true commitment to improving one’s life shows itself. Wear the other person down. They’ve responded illogically, but you respond with patience and fairness. It may take two or three turns within the conversation. It may take ten conversations. Consistency in fairness and decency almost always win. The question is who can wear down the other sooner.

To be continued next week…

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, www.areivim.com, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)