[By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Five Towns Jewish Times]

Rav Lipa Israelson has compiled an as-yet-unpublished manuscript of rulings, advice, and responsa of his grandfather, the posek ha’dor, HaGaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, zt’l. It will iy’H be released by the Machon L’Hotzaas Kisvei uPiskei Maran Rav Elyashiv. Rabbi Israelson, shlita, showed Rav Elyashiv many of the rulings and the language format before he passed away.

For publication in the 5TJT, this author has translated a portion of the manuscript, which translation appears below. The entire sefer, titled “Mishnas HaGriSh b’Nissuin” is scheduled to be published in a few months. Unless otherwise noted, these p’sakim were heard from Rav Elyashiv by either Rav Israelson or one of his brothers.

[Note: Rav Israelson has granted permission to Rabbi Hoffman to give out a translation of an abridged version of the sefer at the forthcoming wedding of his daughter, b’ezras Hashem. The Five Towns Jewish Times wishes a special mazal tov to Rabbi Yair and Mrs. Masha Hoffman upon the engagement of their daughter Mirelle to Reb Rephael Giller, and a special mazal tov to Larry and Esta Gordon upon the engagement of their son Nison to Sari Gans.]

Chapter One: Shidduchim

Prayer.

One who has reached a marriageable age should pray that Hashem arrange that he meet a good shidduch [Sefer Chassidim #135, 243], and that the process should be easy [Rashi, Berachos 8a.]. A person should not pray that a specific shidduch work out. Rather, the prayer should be directed in finding one’s true shidduch{1}. Parents should daven for their children and grandchildren that they merit proper shidduchim who are ba’alei Torah, G d-fearing people, and gomlei chesed [Sefer Chassidim 156; cited in the prayer of the Shelah HaKadosh].

The Qualities One Should Search For.

The central qualities that one should search for in a shidduch are: fear of heaven, good character traits, and proper Torah hashkafos.

Daughter of a Kohen.

A yeshiva student may certainly marry the daughter of a kohen, and there is no concern not to do so. [See Pesachim 49a; Kovetz Igros Chazon Ish]

Listening to Parents.

Even though the Rema explains that there is no obligation to listen to one’s parents regarding shidduchim [YD end of Siman 240], nonetheless, if the shidduch involves a serious shortcoming that would bring shame to the family, one must listen to them. [See Teshuvos Siman 1]

Relatives.

There is no problem of making shidduchim with third cousins—that is a fourth cousin with a fourth cousin. Essentially, there is no problem with third cousins to third cousins as well.{2}

Two Tall People.

A tall man may marry a tall woman without any concern. That which is mentioned in the Gemara [Bechoros 45b] to discourage this refers to a situation when they are exceptionally tall.

Shabbos and Yom Tov.

It is permitted to discuss matters of shidduchim on Shabbos and yom tov. [SA OC 306:6] When there is a need to do so, it is even permitted to discuss matters of finance regarding a shidduch. A Kinyan Shidduchim should not be made on Shabbos or yom tov. [Kaf haChaim 306:50] On chol ha’moed it is permitted to make a Kinyan Shidduchin; however, a full meal should not be made, rather only modest refreshments should be served. [OC 546:1 MB 546:2] It is permitted to write a Shtar Tenaim on chol ha’moed. [OC 545:5 MB 545:21] However, if a Zichron Devarim was written before yom tov, then a Shtar Tenaim should not be written on chol ha’moed.

NAMES.

There are those who are quite strict to ensure that the bride’s name should not be the same as that of the groom’s mother, and that the groom’s name should not be the same as the name of his future father-in-law. There are also those who are strict to ensure that the names of both fathers-in-law and both mothers-in-law not be the same. All this is from the Ethical Will of Rav Yehudah HaChassid. The essential stringency, however, only concerns that of a bride and her future mother-in-law. The other scenarios are merely minor concerns, and there is no need to be so uneasy about them, although the prevalent custom is to be strict on these matters.{3} However, one may not be lenient regarding a bride and her mother-in-law except through making a change in the name. If the shidduch is appropriate in all areas, but the names are the same, it is possible to remedy this by adding a name to one of the parties. This can be done le’chatchilah, with no reservations. There is no difference whether it is added to the bride’s name or to that of her mother-in-law. If the concept about the concern for the same name only became known to them after the wedding, then an additional name should be added to one of their names at that point.

WHAT CONSTITUTES A NEW NAME.

In order for a name to be considered a new name, it is necessary for at least three people to call him either by the newly added name alone or with both names together. Regarding a bride and her mother-in-law, it is necessary for the majority of those who know her to call her by the new name.

The New Name.

If the groom’s new name was used for 30 days or more, it is necessary to use it in the kesubah. If one of them has the name “Moshe Yaakov” and the other’s name is simply “Yaakov,” this is not considered the same name, but rather two separate names entirely. However, if this “Moshe Yaakov” is referred to by everyone as “Yaakov” alone, then it is considered the same name. It would make no difference even if he is called to the Torah by the name “Moshe Yaakov.” However, it would certainly be effective to start referring to him from that point onward as either “Moshe Yaakov” or just “Moshe.” However, regarding a bride and her mother-in-law it is necessary that everyone, or at least the majority of people, start referring to her with both names. It is not sufficient for only her close family members to call her by both names. Ideally, a person who is named “Simcha” should not marry a girl whose mother is named “Simcha.” Rather, they should add a name to one of them. Post facto, however, one may be lenient [Kav V’Naki, Vol. II Siman 380 citing Rav Elyashiv, zt’l.]. Someone whose name is “Yaakov” but everyone calls him “Yankel,” or someone whose name is “Moshe” but he is called “Moishy,” or if her name is “Esther” but she is called “Estie,” all of these and other similar cases are considered to be one name and are included within the concept of a bride and mother-in-law with the same name.

WITHHOLDING NEGATIVE INFORMATION

It is forbidden to withhold negative information in Shidduchim, such as illnesses and flaws, even if pertains to stumbling in sins, wherever it is the manner for people to have reservations or concerns .

The prohibition against withholding negative information lies both with the parents as well as the man or the woman who is dating.

One who withholds the type of information of which it is the manner of people to have reservations or concerns is in violation of the prohibition of “lo sonu ish es amito,” the prohibition of Gneivas Daas, and the prohibition of “lo saamod al dam rayacha.”

If a person was asked about a specific flaw that does exist, and the peron denies it, that person is in violation of the Torah prohibition of lying, aside from the aforementioned prohibitions.

A person should always have in mind whether he himself would have wanted this information to be suppressed this important piece of information or a flaw such as this. If he or she would not have wanted it, how could he dare do something to another that he himself would so dislike?

Even if they ask a person to clarify something for a shidduch there is no prohibition of Lashon HaRah [when done properly], even when the person clarifying is merely a third part – since this is for the needs of a Shidduch.

The prohibition of withholding negative information is not just applicable to the man and woman dating and their parents, but to anyone who knows that person X intends to set up his son or daughter, and he knows of a major flaw in that person, it is possible that he may have an obligation to reveal that information. He must consult with a Posaik to determine what it is permitted to reveal and how to go about doing so. For if he is obligated to reveal and he does not reveal, he is in violation of the prohibition.

The same is true regarding a person who is untrustworthy in matters of finances and does not stand up to his obigations, it is forbidden to withhold this detail.

A SHADCHAN

A shadchan who withholds a flaw, aside from violating all of the aforementioned prohibitions, is in violation of an additional prohibition of “V’lifni iver lo sitain michshol – do not place a stumbling block in front of the blind.”

When there is a flaw [that they have not yet revealed] and it is their intention to reveal it to the other side, there is no obligation to reveal it when they first start dating. They are permitted to delay it until later when there may be greater interest in pursuing the shidduch. 

NOTES:
1. Rav Elyashiv, zt’l, citing his grandfather, the Leshem. Another segulah for a zivug is reciting Tehillim 121 after completing each Shemoneh Esreih prior to returning to one’s spot (heard from Rebbetzin Kanievsky, a’h, quoting her father).
2. The concern is both that of danger as well as that the shidduch will turn out badly, as discussed in the responsum of Even HaRosha, by Rav Eliyahu Kletzkin, zt’l.
3. This was the general response that Rav Elyashiv would give when these questions were posed to him. However, there were circumstances when he varied his answer based upon individual circumstances.
The translator can be reached at [email protected]. If someone would like to assist in the publication of the sefer itself, please contact the above e-mail as well.