By Shani P. via Onlysimchas.com
I am sorry for opening up here, and I must thank Onlysimchas for giving me this forum. We chose this college program because it was filled with Bais Yaakov girls.
Being from out of town, I was hoping that the girls-only college program would be an atmosphere somewhat similar to seminary, where everyone would be friendly and outgoing to each other.
Instead it was not to be. Where is that camaraderie, that kind-spirited-ness that characterizes the welcoming nature of the progeny of Avrohom Avinu?
Class after class is silence. In sem, my roommates and I were touched by the explanation given by our menaheles of the shoresh of the word Achzar. Rav Shamshon Raphael Hirsch explains that it comes from the two words “Ach” and “Zar” – Behold – they act like zar – as strangers.
Ahavas Yisroel brings the Geulah!
Perhaps I am being premature and eventually that friendliness and comradery will come. But still, at this point it is somewhat awkward to ask fellow students their name.
I am not the only one that noticed this. In a carpool home, someone suggested that we do something about it.
My brother suggested that a mouse would do the trick, but that would be pretty shabby – particularly right before Yom Kippur. He does have a point in a bizarre sort of way in that it would cause people to yell out and bond, however. But a mouse among Bais Yaakov girls would destroy any reputation I might have among my fellow sem graduates and would probably reflect badly on my seminary too, no matter what my noble good intentions were.
So what is the solution? Perhaps if everyone could share this short essay with each other, or bring up the topic somehow that might do the trick.
Anyway, wishing all my silent possible future friends a Gmar Chasima Tova,
Shani P.
(a pseudonym so that my shidduchim chances won’t be ruined.. Even though I am making a valid point)
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ABOVE ARE SOLELY THAT OF THE AUTHOR AND DO NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS OF YWN
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7 Responses
It’s not a sign of bad midos or unfriendliness. This is the normal “city” mentality. In an “out-of-town,” small Jewish community, everyone knows each other well, everyone wishes each other “Good Shabbos” in the street, and the entire community attends every Simcha. This is impossible in a huge city with hundreds of thousands of Jews. If you said “Hello” to every Jew you passed, you couldn’t talk to your kids bc you could never stop. You can’t invite 20,000 Jews to every Bar Mitzvah. Within a big city, you just have to find your small niche of friends and make your own circle. It won’t happen the first week of school, but within a few weeks, you’ll find your place.
Hatzlocha.
Someone who moved from NY to a tiny Jewish community and knows “both sides of the coin.”
Dear Shani P,
If I had another son, I would grab you in a heartbeat. How brave of you to speak about achdus where there appears, at least for now, to be none. It may be that like you, the other girls are afraid of reaching out because appearing ‘too outgoing’ may not work well when it comes to getting a good shidduch. Precious Shani, The Torah tells us that we should always greet people with the whites of our teeth – meaning a smile. Maybe the girl sitting next to you is dying to say to you “Hi – My name is ______ and I am from _______. What is your name and where are you from?” Don’t be afraid to gently break the ice. You never know where it can lead. Maybe it is that girl right next to you who will be the one to lead you to your zivug or you to hers. Hatzlacha with your studies and may you be zoche to stand under the chuppah this year with your true zivug!
Someone has to make the first friendly gesture. Let it be you. Maybe they are all just shy and reserved and once you break the ice it will change.
welcome to the new generation of Self-centeredness & instant gratification, where everything is ME ME & ONLY ME. If I have a little more time I will include my wife & children, even more time (small chance) maybe I will help my neighbor or cousin etc…
open up your eyes & see the generation & time you are living in.
I give you a bracha that Hashem should come closer to you until you reach the level where it will always be in your mind, I can talk to Hashem anytime (even in English) from my heart (hisbodedus) or ask Hashem for anything by davening & HASHEM IS ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE LISTENING TO YOU. (its just a question if now is the right time for your good & benefit to answer & give to you what you davened for)
I wish you & everyone a gmar chasima tova
Obviously, depends on the college program you chose. My daughter’s experience has been quite the opposite. The women in her all-female, frum college program are quite friendly and sociable with each other. Yes, even the New York women.
You’re shy to say hello to them and they’re shy to say hello to you.
Everyone else is scared to reach out. Most people are afraid of making the first move because they’re afraid that the other person will make them feel stupid. Only a teeny tiny minority is not open to making friends.
You’re at the age where people are finally discovering real life. They’ve also had friemdships in which they were burned either because the other person either changed or was a here or simply was to clingy. They definitely are open to making new friends but this time they’re going in with their eyes wide open.
You’re shy to say hello to them and they’re shy to say hello to you.
Everyone else is scared to reach out. Most people are afraid of making the first move because they’re afraid that the other person will make them feel stupid. Only a teeny tiny minority is not open to making friends.
You’re at the age where people are finally discovering real life. They’ve also had friemdships in which they were burned either because the other person either changed or was a jerk or simply was to clingy. They definitely are open to making new friends but this time they’re going in with their eyes wide open.
If you want friends you will have to put in the effort but if you do put in the effort you will make friends.