Positive Word Power

(It’s sefirah time when, as we count the days to Matan Torah, we mourn the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 talmidim. Chazal tell us that a lack of kavod among the talmidim was the cause of this calamity. So as we count each day, let us focus on preparing ourselves for Matan Torah by improving in the mitzvos bein adam lachaveiro. And a great way to ensure that each day that we count is a day of growth in this area is to learn on each day two halachos of Shmiras Haloshon Yomi. Come join us on this journey to Kabbalas HaTorah, and may we arrive together, k’ish echad b’lev echad!

L’zecher Nishmas Berel ben Hirsh. Dedicated by his children Dr. and Mrs. Reuven Shanik.)

BEWARE THE UNDERTONE
In Practice:
If I have the habit of muttering under my breath when I am upset, I will take notice of this habit and try to channel my frustration more productively.
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The Lesson:
Zev and Miriam were facing one of the most difficult situations that had arisen in their 20 years of marriage. They had lived in Israel since they were wed, and had been raising their children in an environment they truly loved. However, Zev’s company had closed down six months earlier, and all his efforts to find new employment had thus far proved futile. The couple was beginning to despair when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Zev received a lucrative job offer … in America.

Zev wanted to go. Miriam felt it would be devastating to their children and inconsistent with their vision for their family. Zev felt reality came before vision. They tried to keep their discussions of the matter calm and productive, but Miriam, the more outspoken of the two, tended to dominate the discussions. Zev would walk away shaking his head and muttering softly under his breath.

“What are you saying?” his wife would demand. “Say it to me! Whatever you’re saying, say it to me so we can have a discussion.”

“It’s nothing, nothing, I’m just talking to myself,” he finally replied. Throughout their arguments and debates on their family’s next move, the muttering continued, serving as a release valve for Zev, but a detonator for Miriam.

Well aware of the impact of angry words, Zev used his muttering to say what was on his mind but avoid direct accusations and conflict. He thought he was taking the high road, restricting his volume to an inaudible level even though he was not capable of restraining the words themselves, or better yet, working through his anger with his wife.

From Miriam’s point of view, however, the muttering itself was ona’as devarim, regardless of what words were actually being muttered. She clearly perceived that it represented anger, or at the very least, sharp disagreement. She also understood that her husband obviously felt the words were too hurtful to say to her face. Knowing that he thought these angry thoughts was discomforting, and all the more so because she was not being allowed to hear and respond to them.

This of course does not mean that it is preferable for one to shout his hurtful statements. It simply means that one should not fool oneself into thinking that just because the other person doesn’t hear what’s being said, he or she is not hurt by it. In fact, the other person may be more deeply upset by the muttering, because he might assume that the muttered comments are far worse than they actually are.

The real solution is to learn basic assertiveness: how to present one’s own point of view with clarity, calm and firmness, even in the face of opposition. In this way, disagreements can be productive. Each side can present his perspective and respond to the other person’s comments without having to suffer a stealth attack of words that he cannot hear, and that do nothing to move the discussion forward
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What Did You Say About My Rebbi
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Rabbi A., head of your son’s yeshivah, believes the boys should learn to translate the Chumash into Yiddish as well as English. A new yeshivah opens up headed by Rabbi B., who believes in bypassing Yiddish, going straight into English. Parents in your school begin clamoring for Rabbi A. to follow suit.
You are furious at their audacity in challenging the principal, who is highly respected and experienced. Rabbi B., on the other hand, already has one failed school on his record.

Q:May you discredit him in your effort to support your principal?

Not What You Had In Mind

Your brother has been dating for several years and hasn’t yet found his bashert. He has clearly stated that he wants a very intellectual and well-read girl who also has a Master’s degree and a well-paying profession.
You know a wonderful young woman with sterling middos but who is not particularly brilliant; in your opinion, she is really what your brother needs.

Q:May you push the match despite her nonintellectual nature if you think it might work?

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM

Day 31 – Slander

All forms of loshon hora are prohibited even when the information is true and accurate. (Only in very specific circumstances is it permissible to say something that would otherwise be considered loshon hora; this will be discussed later.)

Slander, which is information that is not true, referred to as hotzaas shem ra (lit., spreading a bad name), is worse than loshon hora which is derogatory but true.

To relate derogatory information that is essentially true but includes either exaggerations or even slight altering of facts is also considered hotzaas shem ra.

SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON

The Quality of Peace

Through shmiras haloshon one is blessed with the precious quality of peace. By refraining from speaking ill of others, one ensures that he will not be the object of their enmity; to the contrary, others will love him and confide in him, and surely will not speak ill of him.

Peace is precious, for in its merit, God does not allow Satan to harm the Jewish people, even when idolatry is found among them (Bamidbar Rabbah 11:16).1

One who accustoms himself to speaking favorably of others merits that God refers to him as Peace, which is one of God’s own Names.2 Conversely, with regard to the gossiper, the Sages state: “One who dines with his fellow and then speaks disparagingly of him is referred to by the Holy One, Blessed is He, as, evil, as it is written, “Deceit in the heart of those who plot evil” (Mishlei 12:20).

One who belittles others will, in the end, be the object of scorn — aside from the retribution that he will incur. The early commentators find an allusion to this in the verse, “Just as he inflicted a wound upon a person, so will be inflicted upon him” (Vayikra 24:20). Moreover, by speaking loshon hora, one becomes an object of contempt even in the eyes of his listener, who accepted his sinful words as truth. As the Sages put it, “False witnesses are contemptible even in the eyes of those who hire them” (Sanhedrin 29a). And his listeners will forever suspect that he might one day speak ill of them.

1. See Day 19.
2. as derived from Shoftim 6:24.