Dear Mommy and Totty,
I hope this letter finds you both well, but I have to admit, I’m not doing so great, but you knew that already. There are things I need to tell you, things I’ve been keeping locked away inside for too long and I’m not sure if it is safe for me to express myself.
I’ve been feeling so confused lately, like I’m stuck in a maze with no way out. You know how you’ve always talked about those people who claim to be victims, saying they’re just seeking attention? I’ve heard you, and I’ve nodded along, perhaps I even believed your line of thinking.
But that was before “it” happened. And “it” was something that I’m not proud of. “It” is something that is still confusing to me. “It” is being abused myself.
The person who hurt me, who did things to me that I can’t even bear to think about, they’re someone you both trust. They’re someone who the whole community sees as a tzaddik, someone who could never do anything wrong. And that’s what makes it so hard for me to speak up.
I’ve been taught my whole life to never let this happen to me. But somehow, I couldn’t stop it from happening. And now I’m terrified that if I tell you, you’ll blame me for not stopping it, for not being strong enough.
I feel so disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen, for not being able to protect myself. But there’s something else too, something that’s been eating away at me. There’s a manipulation aspect to all of this. The abuser said really hurtful things to me. Things that are getting me to question my own reality. Things that make me wonder if I’m actually the victim here. Things that make me believe I will make things worse if I tell people. Things that make me think that I’ll be responsible if something terrible happens to the abuser or the innocent members of his family.
The abuse is the reason behind my changed behavior. I’ve been trying to cope with it on my own, but I’m drowning in confusion and guilt. I don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore, and that includes trusting myself. How can I trust anyone when the person who hurt me was someone I trusted, someone you trusted, someone the whole community trusted?
I need you both to understand how much I’m struggling right now. I need you to be the protectors that I’ve always believed you to be. I need you to help me find the strength to speak my truth, even when it feels impossible. I need you to find a way to show me that this wasn’t my fault. That I’m not broken. That I will be believed and that I can transform from victim to survivor.
I need you to realize your limitations when it comes to this. I need you to accept that not only will I need professional support, but you might need it as well.
I need to know that you have my back, even if it means backlash from the school and/or our community.
I need to be shown that I’m the priority here and that none of this is my fault. But you can’t show me that until you actually believe it yourself.
And based upon what I’ve heard from you about other such cases, I’m not sure that you do.
So I’m going to continue with my silence, it feels awful but it feels safer.
So when you ask me “what’s wrong?”, this is what’s wrong. And I don’t know how to make it better, and I wonder whether you can.
But you’re my parents, and you’ve always been there for me, always been able to assist.
Please find a way to help. I really need it.
-Your Loving and Hurting Child
Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker and therapist who lives and works in Jerusalem. He is a certified trauma therapist with a private practice. Additionally, he sees clients who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome. He has been writing and speaking publicly about child abuse prevention since 2017.
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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9 Responses
Is this a real letter or did that therapist write it? (yisroel picker)?
It is a real letter written by the therapist. It expresses what many children whom the therapist has worked with would say if they could adequately and eloquently express themselves. He has written it to raise awareness among parents who – Lo Aleinu – may need to hear and understand this message.
This is all my assumption. I have no connection to the letter or the letter writer. I do think, however, that he has done a very good job.
Thank you for writing this. If it helps save even one life, it was worthwhile.
I fully understand how someone today can no longer trust people, especially those who pass themselves off as holier than thou. This is a serious problem which is worsening as the lure and yetzer hara for fast money , even at the cost of hurting friends, is growing by leaps and bounds.
It would probably be more appropriate for the letter writer to make it clear at the beginning of the letter that this letter is written by a social worker with a private practice in Israel. For sure YWN should make it clear.
Uch-
It’s an unpaid advertisement for Mr Yisroel Picker
To Uch
It seems to be a regular advertisement like all commercials.
To those who are claiming that this is an advertisement:
There is no contact info. It is clearly written to raise awareness.
Your cynism says something about you. I would humbly suggest working on your Ayin Tova. You and those around you will be much better off for it.
I will add that those who see this as an advertisement are likely missing the message. That is sad, for it is for those who do not appreciate the graivtas of situations such as these that this letter was written.