MAILBAG: When Joy Feels Unreachable: A Letter to Those Who Struggled Through Purim


It’s 3am, Motzei shabbos, after Purim.
I’m sitting and trying to process the last 48 hours.
So much to say.
So much to write.
I feel compelled to write on behalf of myself but more so on behalf of the many people I’ve spoken to and supported before and on Purim.

Purim is beautiful. It’s a day so full of joy and excitement. The unbelievably joyous atmosphere permeates through the walls of every Jewish home, every shul, ever passing car along with the most creative and fun costumes!

Purim is a day when we let go and let loose of our pains, stresses and worries.
To most that is.
We can drink away our pain but not all can.
We can block it all away, but not all can.
We can pretend to be happy and full of life, but not all can.

For myself and the many countless others who’ve been hurt, broken and abused in the most horrific of ways, our pain is not “drinkable”, or “bury-able”. The very thin mask we’d wear on Purim isn’t nearly strong enough to cover our deep inner wounds, bleeding souls and broken hearts.

I’ve had a complex surgery several weeks ago. It stopped me from doing many household and work chores. It was all so  simple and easy. I physically wasn’t able to do it regardless of how much effort I put in.
There were no expectations.
No disappointments.
No judgements of “just get over it”.

I couldn’t help but think “if only”.

If only mental health would be on the same caliber as physical health.
If only fighting and winning an intense suicidal battle would be celebrated in the same ways as fighting a physical illness.
If only, we can be open in regard to shul, a wedding, a family simcha or party and simply say, I have too much trauma to attend for now and that would be considered an acceptable response.
If only, people would realize the non human amount of strength it takes to get up each and every morning.
If only, people would realize how hard it is to show up at work after yet another sleepless night, another panic attack or a brutal trauma flashback.
If only, people would know the amount of energy, bravery and courage it takes to face your worst inner demons every week at therapy.

The world would look so different.
My world and the worlds’ of so many others of who’m I’ve spoken to would look different.
Purim would’ve looked so different.
I can’t begin to describe the enormous feelings of absolute panic and anxiety Purim brings on to so so many.
It’s a day of intense joy to some but a day of the most horrific and awful pain to others.
The direct contrast, staring us in the face at every turn is so incredibly painful. It’s as though we’re living in a different world while desperately trying to remain on this planet for our families.
That painful contrast makes us feel so incredibly lonely.

Like I always say, I’m not angry nor am I bitter. It’s not a place I naturally go to.
I’m just hurting.
Hurting for myself and hurting for the many hundreds and thousands of people out there who by no fault of their own, are fighting the most intense and dangerous battles, all alone.
Without any backup or support.
All while being expected to perform as everyone else.

If you know someone like this, please know they’re hidden warriors. They have hidden strengths that not many possess. They would do absolutely anything to be like you and be more “normal”. They try, fight and work to get there and hopefully they will, but until then, please go that extra mile to send the text, give that wave and support them in any way you can.

If you’re the one who struggled through Purim and will once again struggle through pesach, my soul bleeds for you!
I relate to every ounce of pain you’re feeling!
I’m sorry for you!
I feel for you!
I have the absolute utmost respect for you!
I admire you!
I know how much therapy it took just to get through Purim!
I know how deeply the contrast cut into your soul!
I know of the tears you’ve shed over the last few days!
I know the battle of not looking at everyone’s WhatsApp status and pictures,

Lastly, please know, you’re not alone!
Although we’ve never met, I’m right there along with you, feeling our way through the dark tunnel. I do believe very strongly that we’ll see the light. I deeply believe in that and when we get there, I’ll be there right beside you to rejoice in our own victories!

The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review



10 Responses

  1. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for coming out here and sharing how you feel! It takes a lot to be vulnerable in a public setting! Know that where ever you are, I am giving you a virtual hug and sending you love and healing energy!

    More than anything, I want you to know that it’s you, yes, people like you, who are facing their traumas every day, bit by bit, that are bringing Moshiach closer and closer! You are the quiet hero of the generation. This journey can be lonely, difficult, filled with sadness and pain. And yet, the pain isn’t for nothing because you are our unsung hero!

    I’m rooting for you and hope that very soon, you will find joy and life even in the moments of pain and sorrow. There’s light at the end of every tunnel and your light is around the corner! ❤️

  2. This letter is totally exaggerated. Most people are not feeling suicidal on Purim. Yes there are a number of individuals feeling sad all year but it has nothing to do with Purim.

  3. I went to a well-known local place to daven today and met many people I know—people who don’t seem like they have anything to daven for.

    The point is, there are far more people struggling in their own ways than we realize.

  4. With each of these letters I always have some hope of some support group starting for US people.

    Although it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who knows me, I wonder if I should publish my own name to start one.

    Over Shabbos I even had my 11 year old neighbor make fun of me. I wonder where he would have picked that up from.

  5. Maybe I am just clueless, but I am having an extremely difficult time understanding why this is coming out on Purim ? People unfortunately have mental issues all year. What does it have to do with purim ?

  6. I applaud this letter. I often feel as you describe. Trauma doesn’t have to be the most intense kind to affect individuals as is the case with me.

    @realyid – Purim is when we publicly show happiness and when one isn’t happy internally it’s much more painful to ‘fake’ it.

    Disconnected inside makes external demonstration very hard.

    Thank you anonymous one

  7. Thank you Yeshiva World for this feature. I give you a hard time on some things you post though I like this section alot.

  8. @Real Yid

    I would recommend you to thank Hashem that you don’t know the horrific feelings that exist but please don’t write before you check. Purim is indeed an awful day to many people out there. The people struggling have it much harder on Purim. The reason is very simple. At a time when these struggling fellows see many others enjoying their pain increases dramatically.

  9. Talking about Therapists- can anyone on earth explain why therapists charge $350-$500 for 45 minuts or even an hour ?????

    Just becuase this suffering fellow has no choice you therefore suck him out his entire money ????

    Would have these therapists been a hart surgian and one would need a life saving surgery they would of required him to sign them off all of his belongings and possesions, his house, car, and his furnature for them to save his life.

    This is outragous and unforgivable.

    Shame on these greedy therapists !!!!!!

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