Dozens of leading rabbanim from across Lakewood gathered on Monday afternoon to address the ongoing shidduch crisis that has left thousands of bnos yisroel waiting in pain for their zivugim. The atmosphere was heavy with emotion, as the gathered gedolim and roshei yeshiva wrestled with the plight of so many young women whose futures remain uncertain.
The meeting, part of a nationwide initiative spearheaded by Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, was hosted by Rav Malkiel Kotler, rosh yeshiva of Bais Medrash Govoha. He, along with Rav Dovid Schustal, Rav Yisroel Neuman, and Rav Yaakov Forchheimer, all of BMG, made it clear: the status quo is untenable, and immediate action must be taken.
The proposed solution, carefully crafted by Rav Moshe Hillel, centers around closing the age gap—a well-documented factor contributing to the crisis. Under this new approach, bochurim would begin learning in Eretz Yisroel earlier, by Pesach of their third year in beis medrash, while girls would only begin shidduchim approximately a year after completing seminary. This shift, it is hoped, will naturally create a more balanced dynamic, increasing the number of available young men for shidduchim and relieving the unbearable wait so many bnos yisroel endure.
Despite the gravity of the discussion, there was a strong sense of hope—hope that, finally, a structured, communal approach could bring about real change. Gedolim and rabbanim who have spent years guiding talmidim and their families emphatically voiced their support for this initiative, underscoring that such an adjustment would neither hinder the bochurim’s limud haTorah or compromise the spiritual development of those seeking their zivugim.
One by one, rabbanim rose to speak, their voices carrying the weight of the thousands of shattered hearts they represent. Rav Henoch Shachar, Rav Binyomin Cohen, Rav Uri Deutsch, Rav Dov Kahan, Rav Elya Chaim Swerdloff, and Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal all addressed the gathering, urging their kehillos to embrace this solution and actively support the movement to resolve the crisis.
But it was Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal’s emotional plea that left the room in stunned silence. Breaking down in tears, he wept over the unimaginable tzaar of the thousands of young women who wait year after year, davening, hoping, and longing for their bashert. His cries, raw and unfiltered, pierced the hearts of those present, serving as a stark reminder that this is not merely a matter of numbers or statistics—it is a human tragedy, playing out in homes and families across Klal Yisroel.
The assembled rabbanim left the gathering with a renewed sense of urgency, ready to lead their kehillos in implementing the vision of Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch shlit”a. Across the U.S., similar gatherings have been taking place, reflecting the overwhelming support of gedolim and community leaders who see this initiative as a critical step forward.
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30 Responses
do it the Chasidishe way that would be a good start…
With all due respect it’s time to cancel R Gershoms’ cherem. As per R Yaakov Emden it has Christian roots
Joseph,
Lies, right? Otherwise, how is it possible that this esteemed gathering called for girls to delay dating for a year and didn’t call for men to marry multiple women?
Why weren’t you invited?
great idea
but will never happen
no parent of a girl will agree to it
it will end up the same way the wedding takanos ended up
The question is are all the Roshei Yeshivos and Rabonim willing to stand up and declare that they will refuse to be mesader kedushin or even attend the wedding of a talmid or mispallel if the chasan or the kallah violate the takana ?
What about all the older single girls from the past 25-30 years? The change helps the young girls not have the same problem, but doesn’t really address the issue for the older girls already affected.
Also, the idea of having the bochorim start shidduchim earlier and marrying earlier is feasible and will help. But the idea of having the girls start later won’t happen, in any large way, since any girl (or parents) considering that will realize it puts them (individually) at greater risk of not finding someone, if they start later.
The question is are all the Roshei Yeshivos and Rabonim willing to stand up and declare that they will refuse to be mesader kedushin or even attend the wedding of a talmid or mispallel if the chasan or the kallah violate the takana
1) No mention of so many single men I know also having plight trying to get married
2) No mention of abolishing this insane outdated Freezer policy 🙄
Not to negate the opinion of gedolim, but wouldn’t the biggest issue causing a shortage of shidduchim is that 75% of other jews are off limits? What if someone’s bashert is chassidish, sefardic, lubavitch, yemenite etc. If we wrote off all of klal Yisrael even though I agree there’s a huge difference in ideology and customs, but the pool is that much smaller. When the Matchmaker in heaven created these babies how do you know their match wasn’t from any of those groups that we ignore
Joseph,
So once again, you know better than the gedolim?
Reply to YOSSIES. It’s not always up to the parents. Most of the older girls, which is where the shidduch crisis is in, make decisions on their own. The cherem was a good idea in the past, but its time has come. I hate to say it, but the longer R Gershom’s cherem stays in place the greater the shidduch crisis will become. Christianity is losing its grip as a world religion and the takanos that were made in response to it must be reevaluated.
we must make it clear even if you are biggest askan it is mamosh assur for a girl to date before the year of seminary is up and no rav will mesader kiddushin and no hall will do their wedding, otherwise its the honor system.
Is it really dating – or is it infatuating? Really the system is relying on magical instant chemistry / infatuation on the first date and then pretty much a decision by the 4th date. Perhaps if there were less breathing down the couples necks – perhaps if they had a chance to actually appreciate and understand each other – there would be more simchas and less gittin.
Perhaps if the Gedolim sought input from older singles – the 20% that did not fit the shidduch mold. Instead of just writing them off as troubled people, who lost their chance – I believe they can bring valuable input to the table.
Finally, to one of the world-famous shadchanim who told the father of a girl that if his daughter isn’t married by 25, she’ll never be married. When did you take over for The Ribbono Shel Olam? Perhaps your coarse, take-no-prisoners approach should be reviewed.
Wishing everyone Bracha Vhatzlacha!
Postpone reference calls until after the third date
Postpone parental involvement until after the third date.
Otherwise, no one will ever be getting married.
Why don’t we chasidim have a shiduch crisis? Because we do it the Yiddish way!
Is it fair to assume that Rabonim and Roshei Yeshiva will not marry their sons off to seminary grads in their first year back. I cannot over-state the tzaar in our house where we have multiple unmarried daughters in their 20s. This is a big stain on our community in my opinion.
More fake news from YWN. Well documented? I’ve never seen any documentation of this other than wild speculation by NASI based on numbers of Kindergarteners which has nothing to do with real world outcomes. There has never been published data anywhere showing that there are more single women than men at any age. The only real studies done on the subject show that there are no more single women than men, for example here:
https://mishpacha.com/the-truth-behind-the-numbers/
As Hitler ym”sh said, If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.
THERES TO MANY PEOPLE WITH TO MANY OPINIONS, ITS EXHAUSTING THERE NEEDS TO BE ONE PERSON ONE DECIDER AND ONE MANHIG THAT WE ALL LISTEN TO NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, IF HE SAYS CLOSE DOWN THE SEMINARIES, WE CLOSE DOWN THE SEMINARIES. IF HE SAYS ONLY SELECT FEW GO TO LEARN IN ISRAEL BEFORE MARRIAGE THEN WELL SHUT DOWN LEARNING IN ISRAEL, THATS IT, NO MORE MEETINGS IN BROOKLYN LAKEWOOD THATS IT. ONE LEADER ONE MANHIG ONE RABBAN SHEL KOL BNAI HAGOLAH MARAN SHEL KOL YISROEL REB ELYA DOV WHACTFOGEL WHATEVER HE SAYS IS FINAL, THERES TO MANY DIFFERENT TALMIDEI CHACHAMIM WITH TO MANY DIFFERENT DEOS ITS TO MUCH WE NEED TO GATHER UNDER ONE LEADER. THATS HOW MASHIACH WILL COME
I’ve never seen any data verifying the age gap other than wild speculation by NASI based on numbers of kindergarteners which has nothing to do with real world outcomes. There has never been data published anywhere showing that there are more single women than men at any age. The only real studies done on the subject show that there are no more single women than men, for example here: https://mishpacha.com/the-truth-behind-the-numbers/
“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”
Encourage singles to remain in and get married in America and then move as couples to Israel
By Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin
To one degree or another there has always been a “Shidduch Crisis” (a “matchmaking crisis” or “making of matches” crisis) since the dawn of time. The Torah starts off the book of Breishis with how the creation of one man alone, Adam, was not sufficient, how it was “not good for man to be alone” and therefore Chava was created to be an “ezer kenegdo” (helpmate) to Adam, with God Himself in the role of Divine Matchmaker.
Judaism teaches that after God had finished creating the world, he busies Himself with matching up men and women for marriage, a process that Judaism holds is “more difficult than the Splitting of the Red Sea”!
It’s just that in every era the circumstances change and the challenges take on new faces. In our own day and age in the Frum (religious) (Haredi) Yeshiva world in America the challenge is how to avoid a backlog and piling up of young singles who wish to get married but cannot find their “bashert” matches, hence “the Shidduch Crisis”!
Interestingly this “crisis” is not to be found in the American Hasidic, or in Israeli Haredi communities who manage to marry off their sons and daughters soon after turning eighteen, as the Mishna in Pirkei Avot and Jewish Law prescribe. It is the Litvish non-Hasidim in America who are complaining of too many girls remaining single long after they turn eighteen unable or unwilling to hook up with American Litvish young yeshiva men who are slightly older than them.
As the article above points out it is a serious challenge for many and some notable rabbis are looking for relatively drastic solutions as they seek advice and input from a senior rabbi in Israel. However, one rabbi alone, no matter how great he is, is not able to solve behaviors in a vast social climate that has been decades in the making that is accepted as the norm by most American Haredi yeshiva people.
Sad to say it it difficult to see any real change happening for the better unless, for example, all the rabbis of Agudas Yisroel of America combined with the full support of the Degel HaTorah and Agudas Yisroel rabbis in Israel, fully study and acknowledge the problem and come to an UNANIMOUS agreement and implement policy changes on the ground in their yeshivas and related bais yaakovs (schools for girls) in America stopping “the year in Israel” phenomenon by the children of American Bnai Torah who are paying a high personal price for this known as the “Shidduch Crisis”.
Yes, if implemented, some Israeli institutions that rely on temporary Americans students will shrink or be shut down, but on the other hand the vast majority of American yeshiva boys and girls will remain home as they study in yeshivas and bais yaakovs nearer to home and at the same time making it much easier and timely to proceed with finding their Bashert Zivug (predestined match) soon after turning eighteen and not wasting time with year/s long trips overseas that accomplish very little since the same results can be obtained in American yeshivas and bais yaakovs.
This same policy change should stress that once married, the young newly-wed Yeshivisha couples should try their utmost to then spend a few years learning in Kollel in Israel and even for those who want to, to make Aliya to Israel, hopefully with support and encouragement from their parents, families and communities of origin! This in turn will see the growth of new Kollelim in Israel catering to Americans who will have hopefully chosen to make Israel their new temporary or hopefully permanent home!
One reason that American Hasidim don’t have this crisis is because they do not have the social custom of sending their children to learn or study in Israeli institutions around the time when they reach the earliest marriageable age of eighteen.
Boys and girls stay home or some boys live in a local yeshiva dormitories in America until they will date, get engaged and get married, and then decide if they want to stay on and learn in Kollel or if they want to go out and work and in some cases, some move to Israel.
While in Israel, the Haredi communities do not send their sons and daughters to far off lands to study and focus instead on the top priority of making Shidduchim and marrying their children off.
After all, a year of study in America would be a dream come true for the average Israeli religious youngsters, imagine of they were offered spending a year in New York or Lakewood, they would grab it, but instead common sense and economic practicalities prevail and the Frum (religious) Haredi parents in Israel keep their children close to home and ensure that after high school they date, get engaged and get married, which is the logical thing to do. Unlike American Haredim who have developed a fanciful phenomenon of sending their sons and daughters away to Israel when they should be also dating at home in America instead.
Only American Haredi Yeshivish parents feel they are “obligated” (Why? Who says it must be so? When did this become the norm? How much can they afford it financially) to send their sons and daughters away from home after high school to spend a year or two enjoying life in Israel, while their Hasidic counterparts in America and Haredi Yeshiva families in Israel are busy with the real-life agenda of getting down to the business of marrying off their children as soon as possible after turning eighteen.
One cannot have two chief agendas of Shidduchim versus learning in Israel competing with each other.
As long as American yeshiva families insist on sending their sons and daughters away to Israel when in fact they should be dating for marriage purposes instead there will always be these “age disparities” with mostly girls at a disadvantage as they wait for boys to come home from Israel and then to come out of the so-called “freezers” a process implied and described in the above article and hence an ever-present ongoing real life “Shidduch Crisis”!
People have lost sight of the reason why young Frum Jewish yeshiva boys and bais yaakov girls are sent to Israel in the first place. One reason is that a mere fifty years ago the American yeshiva world was still in its infancy rebuilding a Torah world that was lost in the Holocaust. The Roshei Yeshiva and leaders were looking for ways to intensify and speed up the process of turning their young students into mature Bnai Torah (Torah Jews) and sending a few select male students to learn in Israel was seen as a way of boosting the personal Torah and spiritual growth of those students, and it succeeded. But then it became fashionable for girls who had just graduated high school to jump on the “year in Israel” bandwagon and enterprising people set up seminaries to bring them in in droves, while it then became accepted for virtually all American yeshiva boys to spend a year in Israel whether they needed it or not.
Today, once the average Bais Yaakov girl finishes twelfth grade in America she is, or should be, supremely well-educated in the complex world of Torah. The education they receive today is intense and thorough. The year in Israel for most is a luxury of touring and having a good time that takes them out of focusing on their real goal of Shidduchim and marriage.
But then somewhere along the line, due mainly to safe, easy and cheap air travel to and from Israel introduced in the 1970s, it became a fad and a craze and suddenly a “year in Israel” became a must-do on everyone’s Shidduch resume regardless of what they did with their time in Israel.
And at a great personal expense too as parents were put under huge financial pressures to pay anywhere from twenty to fifty thousand dollars each per year for girls expenses, air travel back and forth, and dorming in seminaries and for boys yeshivas in Israel.
It was great for those Americans in Israel who set up seminaries and yeshivas catering to American students who have the customers who come and spend like crazy for the privilege of being in “elite” seminary A, B or C. But what about the poor parents back home who have many children and are financially exhausted and depleted as they try to do this for every child in a large family, and then later try to make lavish weddings and support their children in Kollel to top it off.
It is an unsustainable model and no wonder it is showing serious cracks with various “crises” such as the “Shidduch Crisis”, the “Tuition Crisis”, the “Housing Crisis”. “the Cost of Living Crisis”, “the OTD Crisis” etc.
In the meantime the Hasidim in America and the Haredim in Israel are totally unburdened by this conundrum. They are able to shepherd their sons and daughters to the Chuppah and married life relatively quickly after age eighteen as they don’t have to send their children away from for a year or two that creates artificial “age gaps” and they are not burdened by the costs of sending their children overseas but can rather save their money to make weddings for their children and pay for tuition and Kollel expenses instead.
A final analogy to sum up. Imagine that one has a terrible toothache and goes to the dentist who says there is no choice and a root canal procedure must be performed. Or even worse, say a person is in need of serious surgery!
Would it be normal or logical for the patient to say they must first take off one year to go touring or studying overseas?
Of course not!
The correct decision is to listen to the doctor and perform the medical procedure as soon as possible to alleviate the pain and suffering of the suffering patient.
The Shidduch Crisis is a festering sore, a self-inflicted wound, in the heart of the Frum yeshiva world.
It is as if thousands of young people and their parents are suffering pain and agony as the time for the young people to get married is delayed with trips overseas and unnecessary time delays.
No matter how noble the cause, it cannot take precedence over one of the most fundamental urgent things in life of finding one’s soul mate, getting married and starting a family, a Bayis Ne’eman BeYisrael, building a true Jewish home and strengthening the foundations of the Jewish People!
With all the video and recording seen there in the pics ,
Why can’t we get to hear everything they are saying?
They’re crying but they make the freezer!!
And they promote that girls should only marry BMG top boys but they don’t pay yungerliet the first 4 years so boys go for rich shiddichum and the cycle goes on and on in many areas. Basically the system we created is creating our downfall. should’ve never happened! Let’s make Frum Jewry great again! No more en masse rules! #leovdechabemes
Were any YU Roshei Yeshiva who represent tens of thousands families invited?
@AriHaleviRosman:
I fully agree.
So I guess every bachur is a carbon copy of Yaakov Avienu and every girl mamesh has the middos, looks, and money like Sara emainu. Every boy and girl are marriage material. Not a single boy, girl, parent, is picky. Nobody does any aggressive checking and questions checking and questions checking and questions checking and questions checking and questions interrogation style, before they even go out once. It’s only a “numbers” problem. Wow. Great. So that should be so easy to fix. Aha. I hear. Fascinating.
Shidduch Crisis Idea:
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT GIRLS!
In the very early 2000s, I spoke to 50 shadchanim,
by telephone, and I asked all of them:
“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”
Their top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.
Short men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.
But fat girls can become thinner,
so we must do something about that.
Fat girls remain a constant problem, that cannot
be solved by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.
Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years in the gym,
or long-distance running, to become thinner.
Even those girls who are average-sized can
improve their shidduch chances by becoming smaller.
The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary.
If every girl had to leave her parents’ home at 21 to take on responsibilities and live independently, most would be married within a year. They would be more likely to say yes and commit to the great boys they are dating—boys who, by the way, often experience more pain than girls, yet no one seems to care. After all, Chazal say, *”Tav lemeitav tan du milemeitav armelu”* (Ketubot 75a) – it is better to live as a couple than to remain alone.
It’s time to open an organization dedicated to giving *chizuk* to the boys and supporting them through the challenges of dating. Ask shadchanim and dating coaches, and you’ll hear that boys will do anything to get married, while girls are too comfortable and having too much fun to say yes unless it’s more than perfect.
Why were no women asked to speak?
Isn’t it possible that they might have a useful perspective on things, seeing that they comprise 50 percent of the population, and over 50 percent of those affected by this issue?
No. Solutions can only come from a rav.
The problem is NOT the age gap.
There was NEVER a time that there weren’t any Bochrim in BMG. NEVER!
Regardless of how many unmarried girls are on the market, there has always been Bochrim on the market, and there always will be
The problem is….There aren’t enough GOOD BOYS on the market. There are many more GOOD GIRLS than there are GOOD BOYS.
I know. My daughter is 22, she met 7 boys and said NO to every single one. No one was good enough for our high academic $35,000 seminary graduate brainwashed by the seminary mechaneches that she can’t marry any less than the TOP Brisker/Prager bochur. Yagdil/Mir bochrim don’t make it past our inbox
And thats why we have a shidduch crisis.
Not because of lack of money or support or yichus. BH we have it all.
All she wants is a normal, long term learning, ben torah, who is a gavra, has she’ifos, has opinions, but not dominating type, geshmak, with personality, not too quiet, not too rah rah, not too short, not fat, no fuzzy beards, dresses classy, but not too much into his clothing…..from a good family, who are easy going, the list goes on and on
I bet most fathers here with daughters on the market can relate, and can attest that such boys are nearly impossible to find…
And thats why we have a shidduch crisis
If kids would start 1st grade after only 2 years of pre first grade schioling instead of 3 that would also help. Today most boys are Bar Mitzvah in 7th grade. 30 + years ago it was in 8th grade.
As long as the BY system in its entirety continues to train Kollel wives instead of Yiddishe Mammes this crisis will continue. There isn’t a large enough supply of true learners to satisfy the demand of trained Kollel wives.
Fix this problem and Sara Shenirer will rest in peace. Her vision was the Yiddishe Mamme.