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There was a community effort recently to count how many older single girls we have. I heard that it was approximately 3,000 over the age of 25, and the askanim stopped counting after they hit such a number. BMG accepts about 1,200 new bochurim a year. This means that if everyone coming to BMG married an older single it would take at least two years to solve the shidduch crisis. Anyone who believes cutting three months out the yeshiva system alone will solve these numbers is clearly not comprehending the scale of this issue.
As having the yeshiva system shortened drastically is unrealistic, clearly, we need a way to delay younger girls from entering into shidduchim.
There is an obvious issue in doing this. What family is there that would voluntarily choose to delay their daughters shiduchim by a year. In today’s reality of shiduchim, who could blame anyone who rushes to marry off their children? We clearly need a way to make age-gap chasunas into a social taboo, without harming anyone.
Here is a solution.
Any girl getting married under an age decided by the Tzibbur should pay an added 100k kehila fee. When the Families meet with the wedding hall people they will also meet with a member of the kehila who enforces this fee. This will be enforced the wedding halls as well as by the rabbonim in the family’s shul.
A small percentage of this will go towards the wedding halls (to guarantee enforcement) and the rest will go towards tzedakos which will pay the chasuna of a girl who waited to get married. As most people do not have an additional 100k lying around, and as chasunas are already prohibitively expensive, age gap chasunas will quickly become a thing of the past.
Additionally, no tzedaka should contribute towards chasuna of a girl below the age decided by the kehila. There is no reason the Tzibur should be footing the bill for chasunas which collectively harm us.
While this plan does unfairly benefit the wealthy, it is an unfortunate reality that money is the simplest way to motivate people. The only people needed to implement this are the fifteen or so people who own wedding halls around town and the general agreement of Lakewood Rabonim.
This plan is extreme but the currently over three thousand single girls is more extreme. We got together to ban Internet in schools. We got together to make sure every child gets into school. Let’s get together to make sure every bas yisroel can expect to find a zivug hagun.
I am aware enough of myself to realize that this letter seems to be another shrill rant about what could have should have and would have been done to help people. I also know that I have no influence. I just ask that if this issue affects you personally and you believe in this solution, please present this to your Rav and ask him what he thinks.
The shadchanim are pushing the girls to get married younger
They also want to get paid if there’s more than a certain amount of dates as opposed to if there’s an engagement
An interesting idea, but to use a word of yester-year, this will be “inequitable” – only rich girls will marry early. Also, punishments rarely work. How about paying (kollel, for example) to yeshiva bochrim who marry older girls? I am hesitant to suggest for them to marry earlier, because most not ready for real life at the age they marry now.
Another consideration – maybe definition of the “community” is part of the problem? Do people prefer t marry within the same chasidut or “yeshiva velt”. How about going out a little bit – looking at girls who did not hit important seminaries, but might be coming from ehrliche observant families?
I meant seminaries/yeshivos
Let’s see – punish a Bas Yisroel who yearns and wants to get married? Not acceptable.
Do you KNOW why all of these unfortunately single young women are single? ALL of them or MOST of them NEVER said “No” to a shidduch? IDK.
In any case, look at the Chassidim. Married and out the door by 18, 19 and maybe 20 – boys and girls.
Many Chassidishe families have the wife older and/or taller than the husband. JUST GET MARRIED. It will work out.
Oh, I should add – the Mir requires that a shidduch go out 10 times. Period. 10???? seriously? A Beshow is one and done. that is efficient and sufficient.
Dating for weeks and months just creates more problems. Why bemoan the age gap when there are lots of factors involved? Its not a one solution fits all.
A 12 year old Chassidishe bochur is in Kittah Ches – why? so he can be in Beis Medrash for a year or two or 3 by age 19 and then get married.
BTW there may be some Chassidishe boys who need shidduchim – why not “solve” the Litvishe crisis by redting these ladies to the boys?coffee
I have not encountered the paid bf engagement yet
But I would think that is counterproductive, encouraging people to break off when they are unsure rather than pay the feeas for the OP
enforcement will be the issue
We survived without wedding halls during covid and I would imagine people will find work arounds now
Your statement “we banned the internet” only proves the point, people have ways to circumvent the rulesShidduch Crisis Idea:
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT GIRLS!
In the very early 2000s (or maybe the late 1990s),
I spoke to 50 shadchanim, and I asked all of them:“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”
The top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.
Short boys/men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.
But fat girls can become thinner, so we must do something about that.
Fat girls remain a constant problem, that cannot be solved
by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years working in the gym every day.
The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary. PROMISE!!The era of the “Coercive Kehilla” ended centuries ago never to be resurrected (except somewhat by Chasidim) again.
As one Rabbi wrote, “The people who think Rabbanim can just wave a magic wand & have the Kehilla do their bidding are sadly mistaken.”As with any huge issue out there, there’s usually way more than just one factor causing the issue and fixing one factor may help but won’t resolve the issue.
Here’s a good one to start with though- How about making Shadchanus into a profession?
Hashem created everyone and created someone meant to be their zivug- if they’re not introduced to each other (or possibly under the wrong circumstances) there’s a good chance they won’t end up marrying.
There are certain characteristics that define a profession (here’s a partial list):
The professional undergoes training,
There’s continuing education,
There’s certification,
There’s ethical standards that need to be followed,
There’s oversight and
There’s a discipline process.Would you trust someone who’s a doctor solely because they “dabble” in healthcare?
Would you trust someone who’s a mechanic solely because he “dabbles” in auto repairs?So why would you trust someone who’s a shadchan solely because they “dabble” in shidduchim?
Furthermore- without oversight and the thought of being banned, fined or face any disciplinary action- what encourages them to act in good faith?
There’s no way to enforce this idea. The wedding halls won’t go along, because (among other reasons, one reason being the) unless *every* hall agreed then no hall will agree. And every hall will not agree. Chasidim, by design, get married at ages 17, 18, 19 etc. And the Chasidish halls will never agree. And they’ll be other halls, not Chasidish, that will choose to profit rather than agree, by getting more business by not having this rule.
And, if not, people will open new halls that don’t have the rule. And families with a young engaged daughter will find somewhere else to have the Chasuna. Even at a non-traditional hall.
Besides, Chazal suggest getting married by age 18, at the latest.
I vote with Chazal.
Instead of the idea in the OP, try to encourage the young men to get married earlier, instead of them waiting until 22 or 23.
“JUST GET MARRIED [to anyone who proposes] It will work out….”
“Instead of going to seminary, go to a gym for 1-2 years and lose some weight..”
“Move to West Virginia and marry your 15 YO first cousin”
We don’t have a shiduch crisis…..we have a sechel crisis.
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