The recent letter discussing the balance of responsibility between the “haves” and “have-nots” raises some valid points about communal dynamics. However, it overlooks a fundamental reality of our society: the disproportionate honor and status afforded to those with financial means. This dynamic, deeply embedded in our communal institutions and values, places an undue burden on those with less and necessitates that the onus for change fall on those blessed with wealth.
As has been pointed out in numerous letters and discussions on YWN and elsewhere, our institutions and organizations have enshrined the idea that wealth equals honor. Fundraising dinners, building dedications, and gala events often center around showcasing and celebrating those with material success. While this practice helps sustain critical communal infrastructure, it has also ingrained the subconscious belief that wealth is synonymous with status, honor, and even personal worth.
Who can blame those without financial means for feeling the pressure? For many, it seems that the only way to move up the social ladder—or even to be considered respectable—is to appear wealthy, regardless of their actual circumstances. The result is a culture where living beyond one’s means becomes a necessity, not a choice, just to keep up with perceived societal expectations.
Given this reality, the argument that everyone should simply “accept their station” and “not feel bad” about their financial situation feels overly simplistic. It fails to account for the social pressures that stem from the ways wealth is publicly celebrated. Poorer families are not simply dealing with internal struggles of self-esteem; they are contending with a communal structure that equates material success with personal value.
This is precisely why the onus must be on the wealthy. Being blessed with great material wealth comes with inherent responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is ensuring that your lifestyle and choices do not inadvertently cause others to feel lesser. This isn’t about creating a “communist society” or pretending everyone is equal in their financial capacity—it’s about exercising sensitivity and restraint to foster a healthier communal environment.
The Torah itself teaches us the importance of hatznea leches. This principle is not just about personal humility but about living in a way that does not draw unnecessary attention or create feelings of envy and inadequacy in others. Wealthy individuals have the power to set a tone for the community, and if they choose to display modesty and restraint, it can have a transformative ripple effect.
This does not mean that those with less financial means are entirely off the hook. Of course, everyone should work on cultivating an inner sense of self-worth and a mindset that isn’t tied to external displays. But the reality is that they are the ones caught between a rock and a hard place—trying to balance their actual financial situation with the perceived need to “keep up” in a society that glorifies wealth.
To create meaningful change, we must start at the top. Those with wealth must take the lead in rethinking what is celebrated and how it is displayed. A Kiddush or wedding doesn’t need to be a competition; vacations don’t need to become public spectacles; and honor can be derived from character and contribution, not just dollar signs. If the wealthy demonstrate that modesty and simplicity are values to aspire to, it will help shift communal norms and relieve the immense pressure felt by everyone else.
Signed,
S.H.
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15 Responses
Change henceforth until Moshiach comes will only be from the bottom up… Get used to it… It’s not the upper class that’s the issue. It’s everyone else trying to be middle class…
This is beautiful and well written. I don’t think the original author would argue on what you’re saying. Both letters can be true at the same time.
Is this a daily thing where we discuss Jewish Wealth Management
Can everyone stop pointing fingers and saying who should change what?? everybody should use their own brains & change on their own level
WOW, I so wholeheartedly disagree it cannot be overstated!
I want to do so however with utmost respect, I have no issue with the author and can comfortably assume that you are indeed a wonderful individual. Please do not take my statement as an attack, any undo passion is certainly simply my egotistical frailty!
The crux of this piece is that wealthy people must abdicate their lifestyle because asking the less-than-wealthy to not chase the schmielbergers is not realistic. There’s too much pressure.
And the wealthy ARENT under sever social pressure?
This argument, in my understanding, doesn’t even begin to get off the ground.
I drive an 8 year old car, work 2 jobs, and don’t go on vacation.
And yes, it hurts when I’m made to feel that maybe I’m not good enough.
And BTW, its from the wanna bes’ (most are not wanna bes’, but those that are make a lot of action) where that attitude comes from IMO. The actual wealthy, for the most part, seem to actually value friendship, its the ones who have something to prove who seem to look down on (or more accurately, just straight through) me for my car, or the amazon coat.
But its a hurt I accept. The RBSO owns wealth and honor no? To chase the crowd for a bit of fake honor? What will that bring us?
So no. The wealthy do NOT have to tone down. (There other reasons for that, but not this). Because It is All of us who make society, lets not abdicate our responsibility by blaming it on the “wealthy”. Self responsibility is a most important virtue if we cannot assume the responsibility, least we can do is not blame
Thank you S.H. for the extremely articulate and cogent letter.
Poverty is no shame, but it’s no great honor either.
Such angry, frustrated and envious people. Writing about the same subject matter now for at least four consecutive days. Yiddishkeit is suffering big time.
On December 9th GERRER Rebbi’s daughter’s wedding in Yerushalayim.
From the news report: “The Chupah ceremony was held on the rooftop of the old wing of the Great Beit Midrash on Yirmiyahu Street in Jerusalem and was broadcast on screens for all participants. The event, which began at 16:00, was planned down to the last detail: a special area was designated in the Beit Midrash for adults over the age of 60, including a light refreshment area. Refreshment stations were also set up at several points, including a gluten-free station in the lobby of the new wing.
Due to the event, Yirmiyahu Street will be closed to traffic from the early afternoon hours until the end of the festive event.”
My question is: how much it cost and why people who travel through the area were forced “jumping through hoops” finding the way home, work, etc.
Is it how you set up an example of modesty and restrain yourself from the elaborate spending?!
I disagree with this letter completely. The mishna in Avos tells us exactly who and how to define an “ashir”. That we as a society distort the mishna is not the fault of those who were blessed with wealth, it is the fault of the rest of society for failing to understand that hashem grants different assets to different people. Some get money, others smarts, others a magnetic personality. The “town gvir” is not something new to 21st century America. The lure of the avoda zara of money, and the kavod that comes along with it is the problem. That is not a “wealthy person” issue, that is a chinuch issue to be dealt with. Learn a little mussar. Without it, everything is always someone elses fault, and never your own.
I agree with the title. Since ppl follow and emulate, for good or for bad the wealthy, they therefore are in position of leaders because ppl follow them.
Leaders have a responsibility to act a certain way.
If I am an older bochur in yeshiva that ppl look up to for whatever reason, I have a responsibility that comes with ppl following me.
They didn’t ask for the responsibility but they are responsible none the less
1. Marriage of a child of a prominent rav/rebbe isn’t the problem. They are public celebrations, similar to British royal weddings rather than family events. They are causing the problem.
2. Individuals over-spending are a problem, but the solution is to stop doing so. You can think back to the conditions in the generation immediately after the holocaust (WWII), when our “greatest generation” was getting married and they managed not do so without pretending to being rich.
3.Many of the communal costs that are becoming problematic are related to our “fool’s errand” of providing high quality education both in Torah and secular subjects, unlike the goyim who made the culturally and socially “wrong” decision to drop their “classic” (and religious and moral) education to focus on “modern” subjects.
4. The excessive housing costs, especially in America, are due to living in large “blue” cities where they don’t even want us and where we bid up the price of housing. We should find ways to move into less urban, and preferably “red” areas with lower housing costs (e.g. use of distance education for much of secular subjects in schools, moving frum “mail order” businesses out of big cities, etc.)
To those who claim predictably this is hardly a new problem:
Guess what?!
The Definition of.. the same thing over & over again & expecting different results
When push comes to shove:The wealthy rather keep us in their smug exile
I agree in most points with the author. I wouldn’t blame mosdos and charities for celebrating their donors, many also honor their activists, which may not have great wealth but give their time and efforts.
But much is due to setting standards; my parents had 40 people at their chassunoh, my siblings 150 and my daughter 250, why? STANDARD – IT’S NEBBIH TO HAVE A SMALL WEDDING – this is why several kehillas have introduced limits; to bring down the spiraling standards with spiraling costs.
Another issue, are the children: Commentators will be quick to say “teach your children…” the reality is, if children feel under-privileged that can have devastating effects.
Last but not least: How many sholem bayis problems stem from “must have…” but can’t afford?
It’s not down to the wealthy and not to the poor – it’s a problem in our community and EVERYONE shares the responsibility.
The solution to every one of life’s problems: Blame someone else. It is always someone else’s fault and they are the cause of whatever issue, crisis, dilemma, or tragedy occurs. It’s never me. It is always them. Blame the issue on the women who need to be more tznius. Blame the yeshivos! Blame the rabbonim. Blame the rich! Blame the askonim! Blame someone, anyone, as long as it isn’t me, I or we. I hope that makes you feel good. Absolution is what a galach gives to his congregants. So I say to you, yes, you are blameless. It’s their fault.