Menachem was once the pride of his yeshiva. A serious bochur and a child prodigy, everyone believed he was destined for greatness. But as time passed, his interests shifted. Slowly, he transitioned from the path of becoming a talmid chochom to settling into the life of a kovei itim baalebos. While the kehillah shook their heads at what they saw as wasted potential, they comforted themselves with the thought: “Baruch Hashem, at least his phone is filtered.”
Chaim’s story is heartbreakingly different. Raised in a single-parent, low-income home, his challenges were apparent to all. His expulsion from one yeshiva after another barely raised an eyebrow. But when Chaim began wearing an earring and displaying a tattoo, the askanim who had tried to intervene felt defeated. The kehillah mourned a seemingly lost opportunity and asked themselves whether they had failed him.
Yanky was from a respectable family, and though no one expected him to become the next rosh yeshiva, his path seemed secure. That’s why his decision to leave yeshiva and enter the workforce shocked everyone. His sudden announcement sparked questions throughout the kehillah: “Could we have done something to prevent this?”
And then there’s Shloime. A bochur with a stable home and a supportive family, his future looked bright. But in Shiur Beis, whispers emerged about drug use. Eventually, his expulsion confirmed the rumors, leaving the kehillah shaken. Though askanim worked tirelessly to step in, the damage was done. People asked, “How did this happen under our noses?”
These stories are not isolated. Each reflects a quiet tragedy that plays out too often in our kehillos—a bochur with potential slipping through the cracks. These boys were not bad, and they were not hopeless. They simply lacked the right support, guidance, and timely intervention. The question we must ask is: what if someone had been there for them before things unraveled?
In Eretz Yisroel, a remarkable initiative has been developed under the guidance of the Gedolim—a system of independent youth groups or clubs established by kehillos. Select members of the kehillah proactively create a connection with bochurim starting before bar mitzvah, a time when trust is easiest to build. These relationships continue through yeshiva years, ensuring that warning signs are noticed early and the right support is available when it’s needed most.
The results have been astounding. The program’s success has left me wondering: why haven’t similar initiatives been established in Chutz La’aretz? Our kehillos here face the same challenges, and the need is no less urgent.
To any kehillah ready to take action, I would be more than happy to assist in setting up a similar program. Together, we can ensure that no more bochurim slip through the cracks. The solution is within our reach. It’s time to act.
Rabbi Shlomo Dovid Hepner
0583236923
The views expressed in this letter do not necessarily reflect those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
Join the official YWN WhatsApp status
9 Responses
I am not sure what happens in the USA etc, but there are already quite a few here in the UK such organisations B”H.
The “at least” mentality reeks of גאוה. Programs are fine, but how about a mentality shift?
How can you lump together a drug user and s/o who becomes a Koveiya Itim Ba’alabas and then call that a tragedy? It is this mindset that causes people to go off the derech completely in the first place–when you know that if you’re not learning full-time, you’ll be looked down upon as a tragedy at either rate and as a second-class citizen. I’m not knocking the initiative to provide bochurim with mentors, but pointing out that we can’t call a solid working man–who is supporting his family and Torah study, no doubt, a ‘tragedy’
“ Slowly, he transitioned from the path of becoming a talmid chochom to settling into the life of a kovei itim baalebos.”
And so???
koveya itim is lekatchila according to satmar rav and chasam sofer etc
listen to these 2 talks
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/244132
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/272280
Punk, Ellie7 and anchuldiks: Exactly!
As long as there are those who consider a koyeiya itim baalhabos to be “less than” at best, or “a tragedy” at worst, we will continue to have a “shidduch crisis” because these fine young men will be overlooked by yeshivish parents of bais yaakov girls, because they will only consider full-time learners. When did this krum mindset begin?
THE MAIN THING IS SELF CONFIDENCE!
NO MATTER WHAT!
…Yanky was from a respectable family, and though no one expected him to become the next rosh yeshiva… That’s why his decision to leave yeshiva and enter the workforce shocked everyone.
and this is considered to be a tragedy ??
This is beyond absurd.
Not only have such “youth groups” or “clubs” existed in the US for decades already, but just walking thru the streets of some chareidi neighborhoods in Israel, anyone can see that the prevalence of OTD bochurim is far worse in Israel than in the US.
And the audacity to claim certain bios above are OTD!?! That’s the problem in Israel- there is far less middle ground or acceptance in the general community as in the US. That is one of the many reasons many claim it’s hard for a US family to relocate to Israel. The school/cheder systems reflect that perfectly.
The US of course is not perfect and there is more to be done, but this is complete nonsense.