[Halachically Speaking appears on YWN weekly, Tuesdays and Thursdays] 

Written by Rabbi Moishe Dovid Lebovits of KOF-K Kosher Supervision

It is a mitzvah d’oraisa for one to honor and fear[1] his parents.[2] One who properly respects his parents is rewarded with long life,[3] and will have Hashem live amongst him.[4] Additionally, one who is careful with thismitzvah will merit having children who honor him.[5] Some say honoring parents is a greater mitzvah than honoring Hashem.[6]  There is no shiur to the amount of kibud, etc. one is required to show to his parents.[7] One has to be very careful with this mitzvah,[8] since it is one of the hardest mitzvahs to keep properly.[9]

A person who really wants to honor his parents should become a learned person accompanied with yiras shomayim and this will be a big nachas for his parents, since people will say “who are his parents.”[10]

Reason

The Chinuch[11] says the reason for the mitzvah is to show hakaras hatov to one’s parents who brought him into this world. One who recognizes the good that his parents do for him on a daily basis will come to recognize the good that Hashem does for him on a daily basis.[12]

Laxity

Many people who are very careful with the observance of other mitzvahs are very lax in regard to the mitzvah of kibud and yira of his parents. This is something which should be corrected.[13]

The Chazzon Ish said that one should be very careful with this mitzvah during ben hazemanim when boys are at home more often than during the year.[14]

One common area which needs to be reviewed is the halacha of calling parents by their first name. These halachos will be discussed in detail below.

Referring to a Parent by Name

One is not allowed to refer to his father or mother[15] by their first name even if the parent is not present.[16] This issur also applies after a parent passes away.[17] The source for this issur is the obligation to have “morah”- fear for one’s parents.[18] Accordingly, one may not say “I am Moshe’s son.”[19]

Added Titles

One is permitted to refer to his father by name if one adds uvi, abbah,[20] or Rav, etc.[21] before the name.[22] Some say one should add uvi morei.[23] Similarly, one may say “I am the daughter of Mrs. so and so.”

Many poskim say that this should not be done in the presence of the parent.[24] Others say one is always forbidden to mention a parent’s name even with an added title.[25] L’maseh, Horav Moshe Feinstein zt”l[26] permits adding a title when one needs to mention a parent’s name.

Referring to a Parent In-Law

One is obligated to honor his in-laws just as he is obligated to honor his parents.[27] However, one does not have to fear his in-laws.[28] Accordingly, it would seem that one may call a parent in-law by name. However, theposkim stress that this may not be done, and parent’s in-law should be treated the same way as a parent.[29]  Some say the issur of referring by name is included in the obligation of kovod – honor. According to this opinion there would be no difference between a parent and a parent in-law.[30]

A Person with the Same Name

The question arises if one is allowed to refer to a friend who has the same name as his parent by the friend’s name. Some poskim say that one may only refer to the friend by his name if he changes the name slightly.[31] For example, one whose friend and father are both named Mordechai may call his friend Mordy or Mutty. Accordingly, the Sefardim who have the custom to name a child after a living parent[32] should be careful to change the name slightly when calling a child’s name in front of the parent.[33]

However, many poskim say that one is permitted to refer to a friend using a parent’s name even in their presence, since we can assume that the parent does not mind.[34] Others hold that one should not use his father’s name to refer to someone else while in their presence father’s.[35]

Uncommon Name

If the parent has an uncommon name then one may not use the name to refer to a friend  who has the same uncommon name even if he is not in the presence of the parent,[36]unless the name is changed slightly.[37] However, after the parent has passed away, referring to the friend using the same uncommon name is permitted.[38]

Who’s Son are You?

There is a discussion in the poskim if one is asked “whose son are you?” is he allowed to say “I am the son of so and so.” Some poskim say that one is permitted to say “I am the son of so and so” but one should say Reb before his father’s name[39] and moras before his mother’s name. One may also say “my father’s name is so and so.”

Abbah

According to some poskim,[40] one whose father’s name is Abbah should refer to his father as uvi morei.

Mazel Tov

One who has a mother whose name is Mazel Tov is permitted to say Mazel Tov to someone at a simcha eventhough it is the name of his mother.[41]

Writing a Parents name

There is a discussion in the poskim if the above halachos apply to writing a parent’s name. Some poskim permit this[42] while other hold that it should not be done.[43] This is very common when signing one’s name as a witness to a kesuba. For example, Yitzchok ben Avraham. L’maseh one is permitted to write  a parent’s name unless he is writing a letter, etc to them.[44]

Two Names

One whose father’s name is Yosef may refer to his friend Yosef Chaim in front of his father because it is not considered to be the same.[45] One whose father’s name is Yisroel Meir but is called Yisroel may refer to his friendYisroel Meir even in front of his father.[46] If one’s father’s name was changed for whatever reason, or if the father is called by a nickname, his son may refer to a friend using the original name of his father.[47]

Mi Shi’be’rach

One who is making a mi shi’be’rach for his father or mother should say uvi morei or ema morasei before saying the name.[48] If the parent is present one should say uvi morei or ema etc. without mentioning the actual name at all.[49]

Aliyah L’Torah

When one is asked by a gabbai for his name in order to receive an aliyah, one should respond by adding a title before saying his father’s name.[50] For example, ploni ben Rav[51]  or ploni ben uvi morei[52] even if the parent is not present.[53] The gabbai should call his own father to the Torah by saying yamod uvi morei.[54] One may read a posuk from the Torah which contains the name of his father even in his presence.[55]

While Davening

One who wants to daven for a parent should not say uvi morei etc. since when one is davening to Hashem there should be no mention of the greatness of other people.[56] Instead, one should  say my father Yaakov and then the name of your father’s mother, as is done for anyone else one davens for.[57]

Based on this some say that one should not say harachamon uvi murei in bentching, and should instead say uvi.[58] Others say mentioning uvi morei is permitted because it is a beracha and not a tefilla.[59]

Mechilah

A child may refer to his parent by name with the parent’s permission.[60] However, the child still fulfills a mitzvah by refraining from doing so.[61]

Lenient Opinion

There is an opinion in the poskim with the following leniency regarding the halachos mentioned in this issue.

When one is asked his parent’s name the one asking the question usually has no interest in knowing who the parent is but is asking to know who the son is. In such cases one is permitted to say the parent’s name without any honorable titles beforehand. The same is true when one is filling out legal papers or forms which ask for one’s parent’s name. One may write the name without any additional titles since they are not really interested in the parent’s name but they want to know who the person is.[62]

Based on this one is permitted to sign on a kesuba with his name ben his father’s name without any titles before his fathers name.[63] Many Rabbonim write a long nusach before their father’s name only to show kovod, and there is no need to do so since he is writing it only to know who the son is.

The same is true when getting an aliyah. When the gabbai says yamod the gabbai is interested in knowing who the son is but not the father, and the only way he can know the son’s name is by knowing who the father is.[64]