36 Responses

1. It would be nice if people actually listened but they won’t so good luck, and no girls are waiting a year to start shidduchim because then their chances get even slimmer for getting a date.

2. How about deleting age from shidduch resumes? That’s the only thing that’s creating this man made problem.

3. Umm – I’m not quite sure how this attempt at social engineering is supposed to solve the “shiduch crisis” – there are only a small number of Yeshivos involved, and how is sending everyone to E”Y supposed to be paid for? I’d love to hear the reasoning…

   an Israeli Yid

4. Best news all year!

5. Genius!

6. Ominously none of the 4 Lakewood Roshei-Yeshiva seem to have found their way into this קול-קורא:- Is this connected to their obstinance to repeal their “Freezer” policy? which is the single biggest causes of this unmitigated שידוך crisis.
   Until their Freezer policy is abolished, I give my צדקה to other ישיבות

7. Just trying to clarify – how would girls delaying dating effect anything?

8. How is going to Israel for a year (an expensive proposition) going to help the shidduch crisis? I thought it was going to say leave yeshiva a year early to go find work. it seems like they are suggesting to go to Israel and continue what they were doing in the US. How is that helpful?

9. 147-this letter is talking about third year beis medrash after pesach, before Bochurim come back from E”Y. The freezer wouldn’t play a role in this mehalech.
   In case you want to know, there are quite a few post E”Y yeshivos that bochurim can go and skip the freezer, if they desire.

10. Wow. We have a Shidduch CRISIS

    Meaning – there are many girls who are not getting dates and even those who are, are struggling to find their Bashert

    So the way to alleviate the shidduch CRISIS is……..to not let our daughters go out for a year ??????? That if anyone actually does has a shidduch idea for our daughters, we should say – sorry – we are not letting her go out ????????

    My little brain cannot fathom and comprehend how this will solve the crisis.

    The age gap thing is nonsense. There are hundreds of boys on the market, and there always were hundreds of boys on the market. There was never a “boys shortage”. There was NEVER a time in BMG were every single bochur was either married or engaged

    So what is the problem ? There simply aren’t enough good boys out there. The girls are brainwashed in seminary that they have to marry Klei Kodesh and future gedolim. A five year learner is Lbdieved mamesh. The girls would rather stay single than marry an erhliche boy who will be koveah ittim but go to work from day one.

    There are way more “good girls” than there are “good boys” and THATS WHY WE HAVE A SHIDDUCH CRISIS because there aren’t enough good boys and telling girls to wait a year WILL NOT SOLVE THIS PROBLEM

    (The chassidim don’t have this problem because marrying a “long term learner” isn’t on their top 5 things they are looking for. They are looking for yichus and erlichkeit and yirei shamayim and how long it takes the boy to make kiddush friday night and also a talmid chochom vus ken Shilchan urech)

    And both us and our daughters are way too picky. This boy is not shtark enough, that one is too quiet, too intense, to loud, too short, too modern, too chilled, too worldly, too introverted, not enough of a Gavra, too yeshivish, too heimish/chassidish, why was he a camp counselor and not a rebbe, why did he go to Mir and not Brisk/Pragers etc etc etc

    The solution for the older girls is simple and pashut:

    I understand well that BMG will not do away with the freezer. HOWEVER, the freezer should be opened a month or two early for any girl who is 21 and older. Which means, that the older girls will have a first chance at every new chevra of bochrim coming before the younger girls.

    Instead of trying to “incentivize girls and their parents to postpone dating for a while after seminary”, they should the incentivize the Gvirim to provide incentives for every Bochur who marries an older girl

    Giving older girls a chance to date without having to compete with the 19 year olds is our best chance of alleviating the crisis

    Thanks for listening.

11. These plans always seem to have a “Poison Pill” built into it & this issue is no different.
    Good luck getting girls & their parents to wait reducing their chances of a Shidduch just to help Klal Yisroel
    (& Can you blame them?)

12. As long those girls are looking for life time learners and the Boys are looking for Rich girls fathers who should support them for years to come this crisis is going to get worse day by day,year to year….Just wake up and follow the chasidishe crowds and let the girls become Mothers and the Men become working Lomdei Torah….

13. Hate to be a Marxist but I notice the wealthy don’t have a crisis. It’s the people who are just not rich and can’t support with grandiosity.

14. Some may recall there being a meeting with all the Roshei Yeshiva close to 20 years ago in the home of the Novominsker Rebbe zt’l. According to articles at the time, all Roshei Yeshiva agreed something had to be changed with the boys learning in EY.
    Somehow nothing came of it. Supposedly each RY had his own opinion on WHAT needed to change and they couldn’t come to an agreement.

15. I’m just curious why all the blame seems to go the boys way. It seems that the popular opinion is that it is the boy who is the cause of the girls not finding their shidduch. I’d like to make an observation that I noticed as I have 3 sisters in Shidduchim between the ages 20 and 35 as well as 4 first cousins also in that range and they all have friends. I’ve tried many times to suggest good boys for them but I tired of trying. It seems to me that there is a common denominator between these 7 girls I know very well as well as quite a few of their friends. I believe that the real reason that many girls are not “finding their bashert” has little to nothing to do with the boys and primarily the fault of the girls. To be more specific the chinuch of the girls. Many girls believe that unless they find the perfect guy they are better off on their own. The reason for this is due to the influence of modern feminism (I’d like to add that I heard from my rebbe that this is also the cause of most shalom bayis issues). I’d say that most of the older single girls I know convince themselves that they are ok going on exciting adventures with friends and that they are proud that they are independent. While they will all say that they want to get married they also don’t show any urgency and unless they find Mr perfect they won’t settle because of the modern feminist doctrine that they are just as good without a man. In my humble opinion if girls were taught that they need a man and that it’s ok and normal to settle many more girls would get married. I’m aware that this is an unpopular and uncomfortable position but I believe it to be true.

16. All I know is when I redt shidduchim to girls in the “litvishe” circles, there are so many RIDICULOUS questions asked. So much nitpicking, this too needs to stop. Our grandparents didn’t claim they’d learn the next 75 years. Most went on to earn an honest living. Today if a bachur so much as indicates he has any thoughts about going to work, he’s “out of the fold”, he’s not a “regular boy”. Yet, so many of these so called “מצוינים” go on and waste half of the next 10 years, learning at best half the time they are supposedly in Yeshiva. While many of those terrible “balei batim” (the ones who’s money we take, but whose lifestyles we scorn) truly set aside every minute they have to learn. Maybe it’s BECAUSE they work and are busy, so they cherish the time they can learn.

17. While I personally don’t believe any of this gerrymandering will have the slightest effect on the “Shidduch Crisis”, I am nevertheless quite disheartened by the bulk of the comments here. The people who have made these decisions are the wisest amongst us, they are our Talmidei Chachomim, our עיני הדור! How dare a bunch of foolish, ignorant “Monday-Morning-Quarterbacks” weigh in as if it was some local not-too-learned Rabbi who woke up one morning with a bee in his bonnet, so-to-speak, about solving the Shidduch Crisis?

    It is also notable that many of these Roshei Yeshiva have taken this option at great expense to themselves, both financially and career-wise (hopefully we all recognize that the joy and prestige in teaching older boys is much greater than teaching younger ones), so they did not do it for self-serving reasons.

    So fellas, please show a little reverence when “bashing” our true leaders…

18. Brisk isn’t going to take 3rd year guys which is why people start going to Israel in 4th. I doubt any chasidish person will push off dating for their daughters.

19. As a bochur in shidduchim, I would point out:

    Almost everyone makes noise for the boys to start earlier, but no one makes noise for the girls to start later. If girls start later, this will: 1) Lessen the age gap. 2) Help the girl’s mature a little so that they can make life’s most important decision / develop their עבודת השם more (the same way that boys do by learning in Yeshiva). 3) Make it so that if a boy doesn’t get married right away and is let’s say 25, he isn’t already 5-6 years older than most girls in shidduchim.

    As an aside, I would also point out: a big part of the problem is that most girls on paper sound the same, whereas in reality they are obviously very different. Perhaps a good solution would be for shadchonim spending, let’s say, 30 minutes getting to know someone (and perhaps asking them for meaningful information that will actually determine what will be good for them in marriage) so that they can make thoughtful suggestions, instead of just throwing a bunch of resumes at a boy without explaining why it’s a good idea.

20. Gevald, there * is * a Chasidishe shidduch crisis.

    Why is the attention here only paid to the non-Hasidim. And then there are still certain commenters here claiming that Hasidim have no such problems, as they have been for years, which is not true, sheker. Do some research, Hasidim have made meetings and organizations for their shidduch crisis.

    Gevald, save the Hasidim from their shidduch crisis.

    Gevald!!!!!

21. As an Asken in the Shidduch Crisis, I am fully familiar with the amount of pain and torture this 4-year Age Gap is causing. This is the main reason that girls get older, I feel I must speak up.

    1-) In the name of the tens of thousands of Bais Yakov students that are still in school and the graduates, many thanks to the Roshai Yeshivos that came forward and admit that the 4-year Age Gap is the (ONLY) problem and are willing to take off one year from the standard 4-year Bais Medrish to reduce it to a 3-year Bais Medrish program.

    2-) To those that don`t understand the problem, I will try to explain it as short as possible.

    Fact #1; 6% more boys than girls are born every year.
    This year 1000 girls born, 1060 boys born this year,
    Next year 1060 girls born, 1120 boys born next year.

    Fact #2; 6% annual population increase.
    (1000 babies born this year, 1060 babies born next year, 1120 born next year, etc.)

    (Because of fact #1, Chasidim who both boys and girls listen to Shidduchim in the same of age 18 all have a problems with the boys. 1060 boys, enter Shidduchim with only 1000 girls.
    1060 Satmer boys enter Shiduchim with only 1000 Satmer girls,
    1060 Belzer boys enter Shidduchim with only 1000 Belzer girls.
    All Chasidim struggle with the boys, because they enter Shidduchim at the same age of 18. If they would have a one-year Age-Gap it would be an Oilam Hatikun because 1060 18 year old boys will get, 1060 17year old girls. But we are not here to discuss the Chasidish problem now.)

    Because of fact #1 (6% more boys than girls born annually) & fact # 2 (6% annual population increase) the 4-year Age-Gap is the cause of the Shidduch Crisis.
    Example 1060 boys born in yr. 2000, 1000 girls born in yr. 2000 (same year)
    1060 girls born in yr. 2001 (1 year Age-Gap)
    1120 girls born in yr. 2002 (2-year Age-Gap)
    1180 girls born in yr. 2003 (3-year Age-Gap)
    1240 girls born in yr. 2004 (4-year Age-Gap)
    With a 4-year Age-Gap, 1060 23 year old boys enter Shidduchim1240 19 year old girls to choose from. 1240 girls get only 1060 boys. 1240 girls minus 1060 boys = 180 extra girls. That`s 18% annual surplus of girls. Year after year, after year. A man-made tragedy, from self-inflicted wounds. Rachmone Litzlon.

    Now that the Roshai Yeshivos mentioned above who are Tzadikim by giving up their Talmidim one year earlier, Klall Yisroel must thank them for taking this drastic step. This is a step in the right direction.

    Le`man Be`nos Yisroel (Libbi)
    Y.L.

    PS Above 2 facts can be verified by checking, A-) the percentage of males to females born yearly, B-) the annual population increase in Lakewood NJ, or in Kiryas Joel NY.
    For more information see Shidduchcrisis.com. (No fundraising on that site.)

22. Besides encouraging girls to postpone dating, they should encourage boys not to date girls that just got back from seminary.

23. @147 – Based on another comment of yours, I highly doubt that you’ve ever donated to Lakewood Yeshivot, so get off your high horse trying to threaten to pull donations that you don’t and never did give!

24. Huge thanks to the people who at their own sacrifice made this decision which is still not enough but a step in the right direction for sure. To those who can’t understand how this works- the simple explanation is that it is important for the populations of boys and girls to be equal in dating so that there are even numbers of boys and girls for everyone and no one has the upper hand. If boys are marrying into a younger population (I.e. girls a few years younger than them) it can’t work because there will be more of them due to a 6% population growth which ensures there will always be much more 19 year old boys and girls in the population than 23 year old boys and girls. Nothing to do with anything other than amounts of people. Anyone who says there would still be an equal number but rather it is some other factor such as the quality of boys is mathematically challenged unfortunately or refusing to be honest with themselves for reasons only they know.

25. With a 4-year Age-Gap, 1060 23 year old boys enter Shidduchim1240 19 year old girls to choose from. 1240 girls get only 1060 boys. = 180 extra girls.

    This is absolute nonsense

    To begin, you make the assumption that 19 year olds are only dating 23 year olds and not 21, 22 or 24 year olds. Your assumption is false. Girls are dating all these ages and not only limiting themselves to 23 years so your mathematical result of a shortage of 180 is incorrect, besides that many date out of town as well and not just within lakewood itself

    But secondly, and the main point, There has NEVER been a time where there weren’t any boys on the market. There are boys of all ages, at all times on the market. But the girls would rather remain single than marry them.

    There never was a SHORTAGE of boys. The age gap is not the crisis. Its the seminary brainwashed mindset that is the crisis

26. There is a reason why girls go out immediately after coming home from seminary. That is when they are the most idealistic, yet not so independent as to think too much of themselves. I am not putting down wonderful girls who are working, but more independence, and in some cases, positions of power, make it harder for some to fulfill איזוהי אשה כשרה, העושה רצון בעלה and respect their husbands.
    In Israel, seminary is a 2-year deal that includes both קודש and job training tracks (usually with a bit of 3rd year training to complete all requirements). It would be too expensive to send girls to E”Y for two years (one year is hard enough on many pockets!), but maybe together with delaying shidduchim for a year, the established norm could become a second year back in the States – and, as in Israel, maybe even a third year with fewer hours, combining kodesh and training. In Israel, Litvish boys start shidduchim younger – usually 21-22, and girls start later – 20-21 because some of the tracks the girls are studying are very demanding and they feel that they can’t handle that together with dating and marriage.
    Of course, on both sides of the ocean there is still the good boy-good girl issue and the money issue, but overall, the singles’ scene in Israel is nowhere near the numbers you have in the US. This is clear proof that while other issues exist that should not be ignored, the age-gap issue is real and wreaking havoc.

27. Seriously Yochi, are you in the shidduch market? My daughter is on the market for three years, she dated six boys and said no to all of them

    IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE

    There simply isn’t enough GOOD boys, who are the right type, who are long term learners but normal and geshmak and not greased out yada yada yada while the majority of the girls are good girls

    There was NEVER a time were there wasn’t any single bochrim in BMG because they were all chassanim. NEVER HAPPENED !!!!!

    The isn’t a shortage of boys !!!!

28. Yochy, it is possible (and I would say it is likely) that while the Age-Gap factor is real and mathematically correct, it’s only part of a larger story. Most real-world problems have multiple factors at play, and therefore addressing only one of the factors does not fix the problem.
    My personal suspicion is that the Age-Gap theory is not the most significant factor in explaining the crisis. Another, more consequential factor relates to matters that people are far less comfortable discussing, namely, expectation issues. The yeshivish/litvish world is the only community that paints the ideal family as one in which the husband learns full-time while the wife takes care of a picture-perfect home, all the while affording all the latest material comforts and indulgences.
    The problem plays out as follows: girls in their early dating years (19-21) seek the “ideal”. But not all girls can find that, because not all boys are top learners and wealthy. The girls who were not so lucky are now past their prime age, reducing their social value, and the community dynamics are such that there is very little that single women can do to increase that value. The boys, on the other hand, still have the opportunity to increase their social value (through community involvement and wealth accumulation) because their prime age extends to their late twenties if not further. The result: far more boys with marriage-appeal in the 22-35 age range compared to girls.
    The solution to the problem would require a change in expectations and community values (especially with regard to wealth infatuation) which unfortunately would not be easy, and not politically correct to even discuss.

29. I’d like to edit my previous comment. My statement that there are “far more boys with marriage-appeal in the 22-35 age range compared to girls” is misleading. What I mean to say is that boys in the upper age-range have more potentially going for them then the girls of the same age range. What I see anecdotally is that such boys have options:
    1) They could snatch up younger typical BY girls.
    2) They could marry an older BY girl.
    3) They could branch out to girls from backgrounds that are less obsessive and picky, ex: they could marry a girl who is a bit more modern, or a BT, or a good frum sefardi girl, etc. In any of these cases, the man can retain his place in the community if he wants to.
    Meanwhile, what options does the aging typical BY girl have? In the eyes of the typical yeshivish family they are seen as past their best-before date. They cannot be matched with a more modern boy without seriously compromising their values. Marrying a sefardi boy means giving up their culture and minhagim. And so, tragically, the pool of aging invisible single BY girls keeps growing and growing…

30. How are people still thinking that the crisis is mainly effecting girls? Ive seen it with my own eyes, girls who have nothing to bring to the table complaining that they cant find the right guy who makes 300k and learns half day and will buy her a nice big house…. Never in my life have i heard all the amazing bochurim i know talk about girls in the same way, with such huge unrealistic expectations! I know plenty of men with seriously great middos and even nice paying parnosos and sadly girls will reject them becuz they found out he was 35 instead of 30

    Its time to admit there are too many girls that have stupid expectations due to what their moras taught them in Bais yaacov or seminary! all their lives told they can do nothing wrong and no expectation of theirs should be ignored becuz they are bnos haMelech blah blah blah

31. To the guy who was concerned about our leaders getting bashed….

    First of all, the shidduch crisis has been going on for YEARS now, where were our leaders until now?

    Answer – they are pulled being pulled into this by the askonim who are finally waking up, not because our leaders believe that making girls wait a year is the proper solution

    And secondly, I can’t imagine our leaders approving you being on the internet posting comments, so do you really care about about our leaders kovod? then get off the internet NOW !!!!!!

32. Wow Frumshmurda, well put !

    Lower the girls expectations

    Girls will have a bigger variety of boys to date with

    Shidduch crisis resolved !

33. Long Time Shadchan May 8, 2024 at 2:09 pm
    ” Aimed at persuading and incentivizing young women and their families ”

    So we need to “persuade and incentivize” the victims of the crisis to get on board and help fix their crisis?

    Do we need to incentivize someone with a broken car to call a tow truck?

    And what if the girls all say: Thanks but no thanks!?

    then what?

    Crisis fixed and the case closed, or does NASI still continue to crowdfund 300K a year anyway?

    Long Time Shadchan

34. It’s not worth getting married. Think about it.
    First you need to invite 200 guests
    Second you need to pay for a wedding hall
    (Edited)
    Fourth you write tnoim (and at times they are not simple)
    Then after all the pain of just getting married and committing
    You finally build a mishpacha… which isn’t guaranteed.
    Then the real life starts
    1) education costs
    2) disciplining your kids
    3) hearing their cries
    And the list goes on
    Then after you raise them 80% of the time. They dump you into a nursing home and forget any Acaras tov you had done.
    So what’s the maskana? Stay single and live a stress free life

35. @Libbi

    I’ve already heard your story with the age gap, and I’ve seen your demonstration with the sticks and the numbers. It doesn’t hold water, and leaves out many crucial facts.

    Part of your explanation has always been that the listener should “Imagine an island where there are only 1000 X and 1600 Y, etc… the issue with this is that we aren’t on an island. Only those who insist on marrying the exactly perfect person, with all maalos, perfect resume and family, etc. are on an island. If people would be willing to marry people with differing backgrounds, there wouldn’t be an issue. The litvish girls who are older in Lakewood could marry the chasidim in BMG, or *gasp* a sefardi. Nothing will happen if someone gets exposed to someone different than them.

    I know your family, @Libbi. Part of the reason your daughters waited as long as they did is because you’re baalabatish and wouldn’t have considered someone who wasn’t perfect for the first few years. Not saying you’re “At fault”, but you are the perfect example of the issue.

    In addition, to the person who mentioned that chasidim have less of an issue. One of the reasons is that chasiidish men aren’t as picky. An overweight chasidish girl will be able to get married nearly as quickly as a thinner girl. For a litvish girl, being anything above size 2, or maybe a 4 if you’re rich, is a death sentence.

36. 147,
    “Until their Freezer policy is abolished, I give my צדקה to other ישיבות”
    Please, Please reconsider. BMG has retained a Bankruptcy attorney upon hearing they will no longer be receiving your $18 annual donation.