President Zaphod: Hail to Myself

In these dark and troubling times, there are few things upon which we can all agree. Chaos is rampant. Strife is rife. The very pillars on which our foundations are leaning are crumbling above us. And yet, there are still some issues for which we can all band together, no matter our ideologies, no matter our beliefs.

That the Media is Lying.
That the Politicians are Corrupt.
That unless something fundamental, something monumental, changes, we are all royally [redacted].

And yet, there is Light.
And yet, there is Hope.
There is a Savior.

His name is Zaphod.

(Cue stirring, powerful instrumental.)

As President of the Galaxy, I managed to accomplish absolutely nothing during my ten year tenure. True, two of those years were spent in prison for an unprecedented amount of tax fraud. Still, the accomplishment stands. Now, I turn my attention to more local politics. It is my solemn vow to you, the American People, that if you elect me President I will ensure that it doesn’t get any worse. It probably won’t get better. That would take way too much work. But. IT WON’T. GET. WORSE. (Probably.)

There will be a few changes. I will have a few things on my agenda. We’re going to pay teachers more. We’re going to cut taxes. We’re going to clean up prisons by loading all the repeat offenders onto ships and have them colonize Mars (you’re welcome, Elon). And to you, the American People, I make this promise. Every Bald Eagle will receive a BRAND NEW HEAD OF HAIR. It’s been neglected for far too long.

Also we’re getting rid of pennies. They’re stupid, they cost more than they’re worth, and they clash with my hair.

(Cue the lights; Closing Score)

I will be your Hero.
I will be your Savior.
I will be your Zaphod.