Ben, it’s a shame that learning, whatever amount of it you’ve done, has left such a bad taste in your mouth that you’re making fun of it and those who do.
Rashi in the beginning of bechukosai lists levels a person goes down once they stop learning torah b’iyun, with ameilus. First they don’t know how to practice the mitzvos, then they scorn those that do, they scorn those who learn… it’s about a 7 step process before going off the derech. How far along are you? Maybe just try learning again from a “hip” rabbi who you can “vibe” with and see that learning is actually enjoyable?