JOKES

I can only share jokes that aren’t funny.

Waddaya say to someone on his 120th birthday??
Have a nice day…

When man lands on Mars, what’s the first thing he will see?
A Chabad house.

Lot’s wife turns int salt. Lot cries to Hashem – salt? I have plenty of salt, I would’ve preferred pop-corn.

As the years go on, I think of all the people I’ve lost along the way. Maybe a tour guide wasn’t the best career choice!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.

Top 3 jokes so far: joshua01, Kuvult, and Participant. huju’s was stupid.

Before you marry a person you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are

Guns don’t scare me. It’s the bullets that terrify me (Jackie Mason)

I observed two kids playing frisbee. the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. I couldn’t figure out why, but then it hit me.

A hitchhiker gets into the car. The driver drives, until he’s soon stopped by a just-changed light.
“Shoot,” he swears. “Fred could have made that light.
“So,” he turns to the hitcher. “Where are u from?”
“Whitchitta,” he says. “Have u heard of it?”
“No,” says the driver, “but I’m sure Fred would know everything about it.”
“What brings you out to the highway?” the hitcher asks nosily.
“I needed a pipe part,” the driver says. “But I can’t figure out which. It’s a shame Fred’s not here. He could have fixed it in two minutes flat.”
“This Fred sounds like an amazing guy,” says the hitcher. “Is he related to you?”
“Sort of. He’s my wife’s former husband.”

I have all the money in the world for as long as I live, provided I drop dead tomorrow (Jackie Mason)

What do you call Tesla shareholders?

Musketeers

its not fair, for every 77 cents a woman loses, men lose a dollar

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?”
“I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?”
“Oh.. Half a pack a day.”
“Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?”
“Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.”
“Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.”
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?”
“Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.”
“Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.”
The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?”
“Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.”
The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?”
The doctor replies “I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”

I’m driving along a bridge when suddenly a car crashes into my trunk. I lurch forward; luckily, I was wearing a seatbelt, and lived to post this tale. I get out onto the shoulder of the road to inspect the damage–pretty bad, mind you–and the crashing driver also does.

Anyway, we schmooze a bit, and he reveals that he’s a CR mod. I told him I’m Participant. So he says, “you know what? I think this is a sign from Above that we put our differences aside and become friends.”
“That’s right!” I enthused. “Let’s drink a lechayim to this!”
I get a bottle of Scotch from the passenger seat–luckily it wasn’t in the trunk–and offer it to the mod.
He takes a long swig and hands it back to me. “Your turn. Enjoy.”
“Nah,” I said, promptly tossing the bottle into the ocean below. “I’ll just wait for the police to show up.”

A guy meets his friend who is very sad and upset.
Why you so sad?
Well, 3 weeks ago i won the million dollar lottery.
So why you so upset?
You don’t understand, 2 weeks ago my uncle died and left me 10 million dollars.
Again, so why are you so sad?
You don’t understand, last week my cousin once removed died and left me 3 million dollars.
Again, so why so upset?
You don’t understand, this week……..NOTHING !

A ventriloquist is performing and in middle of his spiel says a blond joke.
A blond woman in the audience gets up and starts screaming “That’s rude and offensive! Blondes are just as intelligent as any human! How dare you say such a disgusting thing?”
The ventriloquist starts apologizing, explaining it’s just a joke, but the blond cuts him off. “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that jerk on your knee!”

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Yanky: “Ah, Shmiel, it’s been a while! You look so much younger than when I last saw you, and you lost so much weight! -And I see you put on a nice beard too, and grew those beutifull lange payes recently, oh wow! – And is it my imagination, or did your hair turn slightly lighter?”
Other man: “But my name’s not Shmiel!”
Yanky: “Oh, you’ve changed your name too?!”

Teacher asks his studentS – who can tell me something about the Romanian border.
Moishe raises his hand – my father hates him, my mother loves him (the Romanian BOARDER)

Rabbi is taking a stroll in the park…on Pesach. He notices a blind man sitting on a bench, taking out a sandwich to eat for lunch. Well, blind as he is, the sandwich slips out of his hand and scatters all over the floor.

Feeling terrible for the poor blind man, the rabbi checks his pockets for anything worthy of eating that he might offer him. Since it was Pesach, all he could find was some matzah, but it was better than nothing.

Handing the matzah over to the hapless man, the latter grabs it and begins to feel it all over, examining it in all directions. After a few moments of this, he exclaims, “who wrote this nonsense?!”

In Israel the Blonde jokes are all about Kurdim…and I have to admit that it tends to be very true…so place your “not smart person” term in the following joke as you prefer:

A “person” is shopping around the grocery store, when he notices an odd, almost futuristic looking object on the shelf. Calling over a clerk, he asks him to explain what it is.

“That,” says the clerk, “is a Thermos cup!”

“Woooow….that sounds awesome! What does it do??”

“Well,” explains the clerk, “that keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..!”

Impressed with the prospects of such an invention, the “person” buys two of them.

Later that week, he’s at work, holding his Thermos cup in hand and feeling like the king of the world, legs up on the desk and everything. Along passes the boss when he notices his employee with a strange looking cup on his desk. “what’s that?” he inquires.

“This,” the “person” answers smugly, “is a Thermos cup. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”

“Oh! Sounds really cool! And what, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have in their at the moment?”

The “person’s” smug smile turns even wider. “Coffee and two popsicles!”

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for the angel Michael to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When the angel Michael came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the angel said. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the angel welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Michael the angel came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, a private jet, a yacht, and a summer home in the Riviera. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!
“Now, how do I get in to this beautiful paradise? I am starving…”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia,” she said.