IYK
YOU wrote
“I learnt how much there is for me, by looking inside for the truth, by feeling what I wanted for myself, understanding that if I don’t like pain, it’s not possible that our creator wants me in pain either.”
sometimes Hashem Punishes the righteous people while living in yhis temporary physical world so that they can be completely righteous when they come up to the true world above and that punishment is for their benefit. There are other reasons why people go through hard times in life besides for being tested in their faith and trust in Hashem. Upon which when passing the test it brings you closer to Hashem and brings you higher to another test of a higher level of faith so you can keep on getting closer and closer to Hashem.
May Hashem always be there for you when you call out to him for help.