growing up

So please start with a story and we will continue….

Growing up I used to sit in a high chair with a pacifier after finishing my baby food.

When I was growing up, imagination was fostered. All of a sudden, if someone uses imagination, people fear they might drive a car while imagining they’re not driving.

I’m okay not sharing too much. But I remember being beaten with metal, leather, it didn’t matter. Anything was seen as a possible weapon to be used against me. I remember being deprived of food, having to sleep sitting without a pillow or blanket. I feared hunger so much that I couldn’t eat slowly and enjoy food because I was afraid it might not satisfy my hunger long enough to last until the next time I’d have food. I remember being forced to hurt myself, or face more pain. Religious beliefs were used to control me even more, as a form of psychological abuse. Fear was so embedded in me that Jewish music causes me pain to this day. All Jewish music is religious in nature, so how would you feel if everywhere you go reminds you of the abuse? I’ve been through therapy for over 11 years now and I’m still working in trauma therapy to try to overcome the psychological abuses, while living with reminders everywhere I turn in the Jewish community. In my days, no one would listen, so everyone was complicit. Judaism failed me. Humanity failed me. To this day, I see every human as a potential danger to me. All I can do is adapt to live among a society that does not want to change. As they still don’t want to change, it is impossible for me to make a difference as the saying goes, “you can bring a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink”.
You wanted to know, now you heard my horror story. One that I face for the rest of my wretched life. But at least, I don’t try to relive those memories all the time. I’d rather learn to enjoy the positive opportunities life still has to offer me. So yes, I go to trauma therapy. But I connect more with dogs and horses than humans, as I know they understand more than humans do.

***These days when someone imagines something everyone else needs to pretend it’s reality to avoid hurting their feelings.

Eishis: In my home there was a fair of petsh, though it was given to me only about a handful of times in all my chikdhood. Standing in corner was also an option when we were little.

commonsaychel:
Was your life sabotaged by your own parents to the point that you couldn’t get up? Clearly not. Let’s talk real here. You hold a job, got married, own a house. How did you pay for that house? Who put the down payment towards it? Did you pay it all yourself? Or did you have help, community support. You got married, so now you possibly have dual income to assist with that. In addition, community support to make sure you can support her as well. You’re not all alone. The one job I was offered, my parents approved of because it made them look good. No one ever asked me what I wanted. It was all to force me to submit to their rule. I guess, you submitted, were supported because you did. When I wanted to take college courses, my parents didn’t pay for it, I did. I worked hard to pay off my debts, to be responsible, all the while money being mooched off of me from the community for one cause or the other. But when I wanted to take the next step to open a business, my parents disowned me, my community offered no support, I ate the ice off the road because I was hungry. I had nowhere to stay, I slept on park benches, on the ground in parking lots, ignored by my own Jewish “brothers”. I was made vulnerable, attacked at work, one coworker even attempted to murder me. I was working for a Jew. Who then pressed along with my parents to have me put in a mental institution, just to destroy me. I had to fight in court for the right to control my own money. I then used some of it to save a stranger’s marriage and take his home out of forclosure. To this day, I have no clue who the guy is, all I know, he was Jewish. I have a name as a danger to society so I have no legal right to own a firearm. No right to defend myself. If I were to get married, I’d have to go to court to fight for the right to raise my own kids. The only one fighting for me is Hashem. I received a letter recently telling me that there are many in need of help for food in the community, asking for my help. Why do you think this happens? Hashem works Midah kineged midah. Miami, people are homeless now. Why do you think this happens?  I now have a home I call my own. Why do you think this is? Midah kineged Midah. When Jews shirk responsibility for each other, Hashem picks up the tab. Because of what I went through, I said my final prayers, ingested something that was guaranteed to kill me. I fell asleep, yet woke up totally unaffected. Hashem wants me alive for a reason. I walked and prayed Hashem should hit me with a tree to just end my suffering. A tree instantly came down where I had been standing 30 seconds earlier. Most people believe in themselves as to the reason they are where they are in life. I’m only here because Hashem wants me here. Good night.

edited

@johnklets, the OP wrote that we should share our unpleasant childhood memories, so I listed two, and thoses had nothing to do with punishments,

@IYK I could not follow your long rant other then you were in and out of pyc hospitals, the little I was able to understand I will answer, I worked FT and went to school at night, got my degree and worked in corperate America, I had my own bank account since I was 16 and my down payment for my house came from my savings plus a 5000 loan from my sister and a 10,000 gift from my wifes grandmother.
I dont like to talk about my personal life but after your rant I need to show you there is a thing call self sufficiency, my wife’s grandmother lost both parents in the camps, and she came out a 19 yr old orpha, she got married and set up a life of her own.

The lesson of chad gadya is, that there is always someone bigger or stronger than you. When one gets attacked by the biggest and strongest of them all, Hashem is even bigger and stronger. There is no need to prove greatness. If there is a chain reaction of suffering and pain, eventually Hashem will end all pain and suffering. Bimhera Biyameinu.

I also want to point out, that the furniture was offered to me, but the bed was already in the trash. I had to take it out of the trash. I sleep on a quality bed that was thrown away. Quality people get thrown away as well. I was a quality person, destroyed. Made into nothing. But there is a plan in this world, I know I’m part of it. If not, Hashem would not be raising me from destruction. From a place where nobody has returned. As it says, meashpos yarim evyon.