Dear The Little,
I agree with your take on marriage and what is important for those who partake in it. The main generic issues are, how he handles responsibility, physical health, mental health, ability to be a father, perspective on being a husband, and Torah commitment. Yes, in that order. Most important first.
Your outlook of the kolell scene, is not so accurate.
” a bochur who is fully capable of becoming klei kodesh who has the desire to apply himself to full time learning”
Klei kodesh has to do with skills and integrity. Like, a teacher, mohel, shochet, kashrus, sofer, etc. Where does full time learning come in? I know boys that started in there fields before they married.
There are two types of learning boys that are avoiding responsibility. One was raised with daddy’s cash and mommy’s food, and is scared to go on his own. Any decent shadchan knows that he is not a even a short term learner. But this is not a marriage issue. It is the way his parents raised him. This type is somewhat common among richer bachurim, but is almost never billed as a long term learner.
The other type is lazy to an unhealthy degree. Hi whole outlook is about having to do less. And in our society it compels him to be serious learner. He is rightly billed as a long term learner, but may not be so marriagable. And this type, is very uncommon. Less than one percent of boys on the market.
Now some fact checking:
1) Kollelim do not provide much support for those that are interested in Klei Kodesh.
Though it is becoming more common.
2) It is very clear that Talmud Torah applies to married men.
3) There is no halachah that a learning any should be dependant on anyone even in the short term.
4) There is a halachah that a married woman will work. Providing income is part of it.
5) A boy that is devoted to learning should be talked up to his fuller potential. That was the way of our leaders, both from within the yeshiva world and out.
6) If you are not asked, it is complicated to offer critical negative information. Maybe it will be noticed on the first date. Also many negative details are irrelevant. However, if the person is dangerous to be around, than one is obligated to offer that right away.
I’m not really sure what your outlook on the kollel setup is. Obviously, you knew some or most of these facts that I posted. It was done so that we could uncover where we diverge on this topic.
From what I see, the yeshiva world today is dedicated to the idea of learning because they value Torah. Young men are not trying to benefit from sitting over the gemara for years. Like seriously lishmah. [Maybe too much.]
Going on dates is to check out personality. In all relationships, you work with the person’s best traits. And leave it to the responsible person to work on his/her faults. Looking too much into people’s failings could ruin even the perfect shidduch.
For all those inquiring for the girl who is really interested in a learning boy, the question is how much does his learning mean to him? How much is it a part of who he is? Not if he comes on time. Or if he wants to finish shas.
Actually this is a great question for a girl who is looking for solid working boy, too.