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A friend of mine is making a chasunah, and he’s having a disagreement with his mechutan. I would like your opinions please as to who is right. To protect his privacy, and to assure nobody takes sides just because he’s my friend*, I won’t say which is the chosson’s side and which is the kallah’s.
Some background: this is a package deal. The hall, musicians, photographers, videographers, and catering for the smorgasbord and meal are included for one price. The standard is to split the total cost between the chosson’s side and kallah’s side by percentage. Let’s say for simplicity’s sake that the chosson’s side pays one third, and the kallah’s pays two thirds.
The disagreement is about certain extras which they both want, but the question is how much each should pay.
Specifically, before the guests arrive, while pictures are being taken, the families will be hungry, so they’re ordering sushi and a charcuterie board. The cost is an extra $2000. One of the mechutanim thinks it should go with the two thirds/one third split, but the other thinks since it’s not part of the actual wedding, they should split evenly.
Who’s right?
*I don’t want anyone holding this against him
No one’s right since there isn’t any norm for this issue.
it is split the same way the other chasunah expenses are.
a few points;
1. so the chossons parents are arguing over $ 350 – after the kallas side is paying an extra approx 5000 ?
2. and for what sushi & salami?? its true that people coming for kabolas panim need to eat something its supper time people drove in… but these are not the filing items like sesame chicken & rice…
3. context & flexibility; there are 2 general rules , different people spend money on diff. things because to”THEM” its important and worth it so for one mechutan sushi is more important than a lady photographer.. and to the other a nuttery station in NECESSARY – so whoever really wants it pays the extra & do it besimcha
rule 2 – which side has more money , if you do, be happy to be the “TZINOR” , thats your way of saying hodu lashem on the shiddduch , to start by helping the other tzad.
imagine choson kallah on the thursday phone call … my parents.. sushi, carving … 350$$$ – the satan has plenty of ways to shter a simcha…
to end w a short vort from the bobover ruv zatz”l. the gemora brings a proof that you can use money to make kiddushin & get married from the story of efron selling a burial plot to avrohom . the ruv explains that there was something unique about that transaction with a lesson to marriage and that is as follows . efron & avrohom walked away feeling they got the better end of the deal ; efron 400 silver pieces for an empty field what a deal ! and avrohom a mokom rau for the mearas hamachpela – a bargain . thats should be the attitude for each side to feel ,
as rav pam would say in yiddish “ver zogt az du darfst chapen der metzia by yenem, efsher darf yene chapen dee metzia by deer.Drive to the nearest Target and pick up some bags of chips and some candy bars. Everyone will be happy, and I guarantee you it will be cost much less than $2K.
I like what Meir G said
All three points
It isnt part of the wedding. followign the wedding split makes no sense.
should be split 50/50.
Only reason to differentiate would be if one side is much bigger than the other say Chossons side is twice the size of the kallah’s side. Then the Chosson’s side should offer to pay extra , but the kallah’s side insisting on that is a bit pettyThough I can’t help but wonder if this is mashal of some sort. It seems so petty like Meir G said He agrees to pay 1/3 (~ $666) The other side agrees to pay $1000 they are fighting over $334 ?
Since the kallah also wants the extras and the catering is paid by her side, the extras should also be paid by her.
Also what Covid has taught me is that you can still get married even without those things in a backyard with only ten people and they’re arguing about a (שטויות (ששית
Daas yochid , the shana rishona gitin are the rigid people fighting over the principal. Bottom line extras is paid by whoever suggests it
Wow.
Tell whichever side you can that for a couple of hundred extra bucks (a drop in the bucket of wedding expenses), they can earn the appreciation of their son- or daughter-in-law by paying the extra expense. The trick is, they have to do it B’sever Panim Yafos.
Think about all the extra time they will get to spend with the grandchildren, IYH…
As by Chanukah tbe Beis Halevi says that whoever lights the main candles should light the mehadrin because if there is no ikkar, no tofel. Similarly whoever pays for main category, should pay the extras in that category provided they wanted. The choson pays for flop, flowers, orchestra and photography whereas the kallah pays for the catering. So, since this is part of catering, the kallah should pay for.
Reb eliezer,
How do you know that you can make a מה מצינו from ברכות (or מצוות) to ממנות
It’s simple. One side agrees to pay 1/3.
The other side agrees to pay 1/2.
they are arguing on the remaining 1/6.
So split that 1/6.I’m not sure why the chosson side should be paying anything here. Food is part of the hall cost which the kallah side pays. Now was the kallah side depending on the chosson side chipping in to cover these extras? Was any conversation held previously?
So there is a broigas as a matter of “principle” over few hundred dollars?? Given all the possible issues related to a chassanah during these difficult times, if either parents were “adults”, they would just agree to pay 100 percent of the dollars in dispute and move on. This is about as petty a disagreement I’ve heard in quite a while and reflects incredible immaturity on both sides. Grow up and mazel tov and enjoy the simcha.
Why sushi and a charcuterie board at a heimish chassanah? What’s the matter with food in keeping with our mesorah? I assume one side sees it my way.
“a big chasunah gives simchas chosson v’kallah.
“So they’re arguing on which side shouldn’t donate more to “simchas chassan v’kallah”?
DY-What was the order of events in which this machlokes came about? Was the Kallah side originally planning on spending extra on the sushi alone? Did they have a conversation in which the kallah side agreed to spend extra only if the chosson side agreed to split?
sushi comes from China so they should pay for it.
I don’t know about you all. But I’m from the Midwest. What’s a charcuterie board?
I was kinda wondering the same thing…
I don’t know why, but it seems like my last post is lost somewhere in Mod-land.
Anyway, DY, unless I misunderstood your last post, this whole thread has been based on the misconception that the two sides were arguing over the money, when in fact it’s the Chosson’s side offering to pay half (more than its share of the wedding) and the Kallah’s side asserting that it should pay two thirds (like the rest of the wedding).
This is no argument, and I’m sure it can be resolved in a friendly manner. The whole thread (including some of your posts) seems rather misleading, and not up to your usual standard.
DY
“The chosson’s father said he agreed that it’s a good idea, and that they should split it. The kallah’s father responded that he will pay the two thirds line the rest of the chasunah.”
Lol DY I KNEW there was some catch with this thread. I assumed it was some mashal that I coudlnt put y finger on.
IT was far better!
Nicely doneMost importantly was the diversion This Thread gave from the garbage we’ve been listening to for far too long. I hope more people will follow your lead. Thank you thank you
See famous story with Alexander Mokdon I believe quoted in the Kuzari. The primary difference being that story had the machlokes lead to the children’s shidduch, and this one the children’s shidduch led to the machlokes!
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