chash:
Our generation has witnessed a proliferation of ugly divorces. Instead of agreeing to part ways, and mediating a resolution to the division of property, financial agreements, and settling issues regarding children, there are bitter fights in batei din and courts. The toanim and lawyers are raking it in, and both sides lose, even if they win. It is not uncommon that others get involved and jump into the quicksand, including family members, friends, askanim, and rabbonim. The processes get so ugly that everyone emerges after something concludes full of mud and dirt. Bitter feelings can linger for years. It is nearly always a horrible picture.
We cannot always make a marriage last when one or both parties don’t want it. And we cannot push them to divorce when they don’t want. It is quite common that the ultimate wrench in the mechanism gets used. It’s called “I want shalom bayis”. It forces the hands of the dayanim to “give it one more try”. A common excuse for a m’again is “I don’t want to divorce, I want to work on the marriage”. And because of the halachos of gett me’usah, the beis din is limited in what it can do. To be fair, there are as many women who refuse to take a gett, using similar excuses. Prolonging the negotiation for the gett is close to universal, as is the running to court to create bigger problems from the smaller ones. In such situations, there is an option for men of the heter me’ah rabbonim, so the women don’t get the edge in resisting the ending of the marriage.
Divorce is painful for anyone, and having support before, during, and after is simply reasonable. When support transforms into advocacy with advice to increase the level of fight and bitterness, it becomes a liability, no longer an asset. I wish more people understood this.
Lastly, we all witness people being brought into a picture late in the game. They are expected to help resolve some issues that have lingered until that point. Without knowing all sides and all the facts, their intentions to help might be noble, but are more apt to be disruptive. I have seen this personally many times.