EDITOR’S NOTE: Following the publishing of a letter from a father of a girl rejected from every seminary she applied to, YWN has received well over one hundred letters about seminaries – both pro and con. They have not been edited in any way.
Here is the third batch:
LETTER #1
I read and reread all the letters and posts, but one thing is not really being addressed. The fact of the matter is that both seminaries and Yeshivos have a limited amount of space and are overfull. While every Bas or Ben Yisroel who is rejected, and has hurt feelings, is tragic, the solution is not to berate the Menahalim or Roshei Yeshiva, as this will only make someone less likely to go into this field, which will make the problem bigger. The only solution would a grounds up solution, where Baalei Batim take responsibility and stand behind seminaries and Yeshivos, and support their expansion and/or creating of new ones, so that there will be a place for each and every Bochur or girl who is seeking a true Makom of growth suited for their needs.
LETTER #2
I’m responding to the all to common and very sad letter from the father regarding seminary admissions. FIRSTLY, your daughter sounds wonderful and she will do fine in spite of the seminaries that turned her down…
THIS IS NOTHING NEW!!!!!! Thirty years ago they were doing the SAME THING!!! Girls from wealthy families got in right away…. Even tho their academics were poor. If you had yichus , you were almost guaranteed a spot. If you ” knew the right ppl” ….you had it made. This has NOT changed. The thing that HAS changed is the now they have more azuz panim and chutzpah to do it without guilt & so often. Taking peoples money for applications….and then turning away……What IS that?
The same way the gedolim made a ” milchaa” over girls not being accepted into lkwd high schools…..so to the SAME thing Should be happening here with regards to shameful rejection & the sting of hurt that these smart, talented, emotionally healthy girls are being turned away with a flick of the wrist.
Wishing you and your daughter hatzlacha rabba & better things await……
signed, Sara
[READ MAILBAG ROUNDUP: Seminary Feelings – Batch 1]
LETTER #3
i am in girls chinuch for over 40 years and i do not see the importance for a girl to go to Eretz Yisroel for seminary except for a few exceptions. Don’t worry about shidduchim. whenever a parent asks me why she didn’t go to seminary i tell them that she came from a good home and it was not necessary. Parents response usually is ” I wish I could have done that”. we are all hostages to our children . As long as we give in it is not going to stop, so try your best and I wish this trend would stop.
Name withheld upon request.
[READ MAILBAG ROUNDUP: Seminary Feelings – Batch 2]
LETTER #4
I strongly feel that there needs to be something done for very good girls, that will be of no trouble, that aren’t academic. My daughter is such a girl. The seminaries were not interested in her, even though she was great in every other way. To give all those parents chizuk, who have such a daughter, in terms of seminary and shidduchim, my daughter married her first boy right when she turned 20. He is a prince of a boy, who works around full time learning to help pay for learning in kollel. He does odd jobs, tutors, substitute, etc. He doesn’t feel like being supported is owed to him. We couldn’t be happier with him! She was the first in her class to be married. At 23 now, there are many girls in her class, who were brainy and went to all the right seminaries, and are not married. Hashem runs the world. Hashem makes shidduchim. Seminary has nothing to do with it. Would my daughter have liked a year in Israel, yes. Was she hurt by the rejections, yes. Does the system have to change, yes. Did it ruin her chance of a happy life, NO! Emunah in Hashem is the way. No person can change what Hashem wants for us…
Name withheld upon request.
[READ – Was Posting the Seminary Letter from the Father Lashon HaRah? – By Rabbi Yair Hoffman]
NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.
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2 Responses
I think it is worthwhile to summarize the main points of the response letters as follows:
1. There is a difference between high school and seminary – high school is mandatory while seminary is optional. The majority of girls find seminary inspiring and a good opportunity to see lifestyles of those who are willing to give up life’s pleasures to dedicate their lives to limud haTorah but the experience remains not mandatory. It should be a girl’s personal decision whether the experience will truly be worth the aliyah she will feel from her seminary experience. This is why the Rabbonim in Lakewood insist that all girls be accepted into high school but do not make a similar effort for seminary.
2. A girl can find a shidduch even without going to seminary. Her choice to go to seminary, and which seminary, should never be based upon the fear that Hashem won’t find her her bashert if she doesn’t go to seminary. If HKBH can split the sea he can match up two people.
3. Seminary principals on the whole are doing their best to accommodate all the girls that apply. I know they personally meet with many girls high school principals to try to place the girls in the seminary that is best for them in a way that maximizes the number of girls who are ultimately accepted. The vast majority of the seminary principals are doing this l’shem Shamayim.
4. If a girls is not accepted into her seminary of choice but into that of her second or third choice, this is most often Hashem’s way of finding the right seminary for them. With my own girls, we said after the year that their second choice seminary ended up being better for them than their first choice seminary.
5. For the girls who don’t get accepted into any seminary I feel their pain and it is important for their parents to convey to them that their non-acceptance in no way reflects upon their value to Klal Yisroel and that they will be able to raise a beautiful family l’shem ul’siferes b’Yisroel even without going to seminary. At the same time, it is important for people to learn that not all their plans in life succeed the way they envisioned them. Often times learning how to react to failure is a more important life lesson than learning how to respond to success. If there are truly a large number of girls who don’t get accepted to any seminary, this should be an incentive for someone to open a seminary that caters to the girls who are not at the top of their classes.
6. If we keep in mind that HKB”H runs the world and does what is best for each individual, many of the strong feelings reflected in all these letters can be tempered. Let’s learn to look at each person with a Sever Panim Yafos and it will automatically decrease the pressure on girls to go to seminary if it is not right for them and the pressure to get in to the “best” seminaries.
Another point is that times have changed tremendously from 20 years ago, where we didn’t have cell phones, Rav Shefa wasn’t built yet, shabbosim and chesed were done at real simple families, not those living in luxury, and in general, expectations from parents were lower and we lived simpler. Parents really do have to evaluate if this is the right choice for their daughter and not run to give in just bec everyone else is doing it.