Hi Burnt Steak
I have never posted before, but I felt I must share my thoughts with you.
I am a normal ‘frum’ guy. I learned in Yeshiva for a few years and am now studying and continuing to learn. I’m not a rabbi nor have I been involved in Kiruv, so I cant offer much specialist advice on the points you raise. However, I have tried to figure out my own approach and understand why being observant and growing in ruchniyos is important, and where I fit in in the Jewish world.
For many years I made the same observations as you. I looked at many parts of the religious world and struggled to understand how the attitudes and activities where what HaShem wanted. Worse still, like you mentioned, these seemed to result in more chilul Hashem. And certainly one can always find actions of individual supposed ‘role models’ as very problematic, both halachically and morally.
However, in spite of all that I still know that HaShem created the world and gave us the Torah (a separate but worthwhile investigation). As a result I reflected on all the things about the Jewish world which made me uncomfortable and realised that does not need to define my Judaism. I work to develop my own relationship with HaShem and grow in ruchniyos personally. I have wonderful rebbeim, who understand me and with whom I can discuss all these matters and encourage me along my path. As a result I do not worry about what the latest controversy is with a Rebbe or Rov somewhere else, the latest Kol Koreh, Macho’oh or how other people act in ways which I feel show Klal Yisroel and Judaism in a bad way. I cant control these things, and they do not affect me. I build my relationship with Hashem around what goes on in my life. I daven and learn, and work on my own middos and Hashkafa so my own life will be a Kiddush HaShem, because this is why he put me in this world.
This is not to say I don’t care about the Jewish world. I have a great circle of friends and am involved in my community. I care deeply about the Jewish issues worldwide (I guess why I read Yeshva World) and strive to be able to overcome my reservations over attitudes to react positively to all people and help where I can.
Basically, being able to look at the Jewish world and automatically feel warm and fuzzy and connected to HaShem is not possible. HaShem is hidden in this world, and yes unfortunately sometimes even the Jewish world, and it is up to us to find him ourselves and make decisions in our life based on what we know what is right, regardless of what happens around us.
This approach may also help your stated indifference. Even if its hard to care, surely we still care about our own lives and therefore must consider what we are here for and what is true. With this as a starting point, it would hopefully lead to come to care about Hashem, the torah and Am Yisroel.
Two more points;
1. I must mention that your experiences at home are deeply upsetting. I really empathise. But as I have b”H not experienced anything like that, really cannot say more. All I can say is that I’m confident that you will figure life out and build a happy and pleasant home which will be wonderful environment for all who live in it and visit it.
2. I have acknowledged the fact that there are problematic aspects within the Jewish world. Nevertheless, I want to emphasise that there is so much more goodness. If one looks beyond all the noise there is so much that is impressive and unique to the Jewish world, and so much positive bein odom l’chaveiro that it is clear we are the people of HaShem, even when there is room for improvement.
I hope my comments help, like I mentioned I don’t have any professional knowledge in how to answer these questions. I just care too much to let you float away from HaShem because of the actions of others.
I wish you the best of luck in figuring life out, and re-establishing your personal connection with HaShem.