Working boys and shidduchim

Don’t worry, you’ll have no problems in shidduchim. The only problem you might have is picking from too many choices looking for you.

Ruach Hakodesh.

My daughter is a very good and frum 20 year old Bais Yacov girl looking for exactly this type of boy . I find that when going through shadchanim it’s not easy to find these boys because the very good boys that are thinking just like u are scared to say it and afraid to compromise their prospects, of finding a good aidel girl. It’s very frustrating I wish that would all be open and honest with each other and admit that just because a bochur is not able to sit and learn after a few years of Beis medrash or less doesn’t mean that these boys are not good enough or not frum enough… (of course at the very least girls and their parents want to see that a working boy set aside sometime for learning on a daily basis) don’t be worried because there are lots of girls that appreciate that a bochur wants to and has the ability to eventually support a family … you will be fine Hatzlocha Raba!!

There’s saving the world and saving yourself. The question is can you find yourself a nice girl even if there’s a heavy leaning in the frum world towards the kollel life, which is amazing since you need an income of around $100,000 just to get by today. I believe that generally when they talk about boys having lists its learning boys. And I imagine this is your fear. But I have to think that there are decent girls out there who have seen the family mortgage bill or rent check and say, wait a minute. We need parnassah. You just need to find one. Just one. Doesn’t matter right now what happens to all the other guys who want to be baal habatim. You can help them once you are married.

You know who you are and your values are good. Just get out there and start looking. There’s a lot of hashgacha in these things. Have you started yet – shadchanim, friends, online, events? Do you have a dating resume? It helps people to remember you and to think they have enough info to take action.

Sometimes the fear with the non-full-time learners is that they aren’t very frum. And oftentimes this is true. So let it be known that you are a stark baal habayis as you have done here.

On the learning point, R’ Avigdor Miller suggests taking one small piece of Chumash, Mishnah, Gemara, whatever, and going over it many times. It’s like food where the taste comes out when you chew it. Today there’s such an emphasis on covering lots of ground that many people get lost. Also, many teachers overcomplicate the material in an attempt to either make it exciting or to show off. Says Rabbi Miller, they are destroying the boys! Study simply if you want. Also, are you comfortable with Hebrew? It might help to study the grammar, study it as a language. Also, study what interests you. Maybe there’s a topic, start with the topic rather than page 2 of Gemara x.

Feel good about yourself. Our job in this life is Torah and commandments, serving Hashem. Koheles says – the sum of the matter is to fear God and to keep His commandments. He doesn’t say the sum of the matter is to learn Torah. Yes, Torah is a commandment too and we need to study to learn what to do. But a baal habayit is chashuv. So chashuv.

Also, study what interests you.

Rebbi said: A person can learn Torah [successfully] only from the area [i.e,. only within the topic] that his heart [currently] desires. For the verse says: [Psalms 1:2] ‘But his desire is in the Torah of Hashem.’
(The commentary adds that “According to Meiri, Rebbi speaks of where to begin [a session of] study.”)
Avodah Zarah 19a

“Also I don’t speak yeshivish, what is knaas?”- i think he meant fines for driving etc.

schneubs, you sound like a great guy i agree with what shopping613 said and i also think you don’t need to worry about shidduchim, you just need to be yourself and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, even though its hard watching people enjoy what you can’t and is so important, just make sure you have a true derech in judaism with a rav to keep you safe.
i’m having it hard myself deciding between full time learning and parnassah, i don’t know yet what i’m gonna do but i truly admire both sides- the one who can sit and learn with bitachon that hashem can send him parnassah and those like you who recognize their abilities, are committed to hashem and his torah and take upon themselves the parnassah.
good luck with everything your trying to achieve now and shidduchim when your ready.

isint Knass a punishment.?

I don’t know why girls always assume there needs to be a chavrusa involved, lol. Maybe because girls are social creatures, or it’s just mainstream to hear about chavrusas?

In any case, MalachOfCholent is correct, you need to be prouder of your accomplishments. Davka like I said, I’m looking for someone real and honest, and on some level a bochur like you interests me MORE than someone in full time learning, why?

Because I can see you made decisions. You are doing whatever you are doing because you truly want to, you are being emesdik to your true self, when someone tells me he is learning full time, I don’t know if he is doing is because he wants to and is really there, or because someone else is paying tuition and rent and he can get a good catch that way.

The right girl will appreciate the choices you have made, the middos you have, etc. Don’t worry about it, you only gotta marry one.

My parents aren’t going to support me at all, so just like you, it sounds kinda scary, because isn’t that what people look at? Money and yichus and prominent schools?

I’m also originally from OOT, and we don’t have money, frum family, or much yichus, but Hashem will worry for my zivug…

Shopping613 we’ll said

Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find a great girl.
You just worry about what Hashem wants from you.

==
It’s so hard to speak to people about this.
The yetzer hara tells you that somethings wrong with you.
You must not have enough Yiras Hashem, or else you’d want to learn…==

This equation of Judaism with learning is a new thing. Last time I checked there were 613 mitzvos. Sometimes I think this overemphasis on learning is a trick by the satan to get us to care much less about mitzvos.

Once you are working with kids you won’t have much time for learning anyway.

This equation of Judaism with learning is a new thing.

It actually is quite an old thing. The early chassidim de-emphasized learning, but limud HaTorah is at the core of Yiddishkeit.

There’s no such thing as overemphasis on learning. What you meant to say, I guess, is underemphasis on midos, etc.

i know a few people like you personally, family and acquaintances who have had this struggle and right now are working, most of them make sure to learn or go to a shiur every day.
i also know a lot who are full time learners, love it and keep telling me about their miracles with parnassah,
i know both sides and understand both sides.

–Is there anyone who personally feels/felt the same way?–

i’m about 40 years older than you so i can’t see i feel it now, but i believe there’s a tremendous problem in the yeshiva world today and that is an overemphasis on torah study. yeah, i said it. i have been involved in shiduchim and i do meet all kinds of girls who just insist on a kollel guy, that’s how they are trained, and when people say there are more girls than guys, what they are reflecting is that there are more girls who want kollel guys than guys who want to be that. of course, it’s easier to want it than to be it, plus the girls, who mostly want to live comfortably think the money will fall from the sky

i do feel as a baal habayis that i’m looked down on by the learning community
but i have learned to see that as their ignorance

as for frustrations with learning, i have had that but found the solution was to try new approaches as i have mentioned

MTAB: I’m not expecting money to fall from the sky. Most people I KNOW who are in kollel/looking for kollel, know what they are getting into. They are having basic bills (if even THAT) paid by parents, getting one sheitel, and don’t really buy any clothing, jewlery, and or makeup for the first few years of marriage.

Their kids don’t get dressed in luxury clothing, and sometimes the electricity goes off or there’s no food in th house at the end of the month.

I