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Case1: Yisroel (name changed) was a top bachur with Sterling middos, he unfortunately had intrusive worries about yiddishkeit which he couldn’t banish from his mind. He didn’t even know the words to use to describe his thoughts & feelings. His parents are both sought-after mechanchim who never dreamed their metzuyon was suffering from an emotional disorder.
The bad news:
Yisroel got married & couldn’t deal with the pressure & inner turmoil, he sadly got divorced several weeks later.
The good news:
Yisroel’s parents finally realized their son was suffering & he was soon diagnosed with OCD.
After 2 years of therapy & medications, Yisroel got remarried & is now happy & has managed to go off medicine too. His first wife is still single.
Moral of the story: Had Yisroel gotten proper treatment before reaching shidduchim, perhaps his first tragic marriage could have be avoided. ( Of course hakol bedei shomayim, but we need to do our part too).
Case 2: Brocha (name changed) was a straight A & very well liked girl from a choshuver family. She never told anyone , but she would occasionally get terrible feelings of dread & sadness which would go away on its own. As she reached the age of shidduchim she simply couldn’t deal with her pain & told her parents she’s not ready to go out. At the age of 21 she was finally diagnosed with an emotional disorder which required several years of therapy & medications to get under control. By now, her prime shidduchim years had past & it is ever more difficult for her to get married.
In the frum world, the prime age of shidduchim is a narrow few years, let’s not squander them by first beginning to address emotional disorders years after they began.
If you are a teenager suffering from emotional pain, be brave & ask for help. If you are a parent, be well aware of any warning signs that your child exhibits which are symptoms of a disorder. Many tragedies would be avoided if we would address these issues early on.What about parents who cannot afford the best mental health doctors?
What about people who actually develop a disorder between ages 17 and 21?
The OP proposes an idea that is wonderful on paper (and sometimes might actually work). However, this is often a worthy concern but impossible.
Mental illness usually develops between the ages of 10-11 through 25-26. There certainly are exceptions to this range. The hormonal changes that precede puberty are influential in this, and so are genetics. But it is wholly possible that the condition is not detected until the 20’s. I am aware of cases where a couple married, with both of them symptom free, and one of them later developed a serious mental illness. There is no one to blame or hold responsible. Similarly, the development of the mental illness is seldom an overnite experience, but rather the array of symptoms develop gradually. This makes the issue complex in that the evaluating professional is trying to assess a moving target.
I would urge anyone seeking evaluation (if the need presents) seeking a professional that is trained to work with that age group. All mental health evaluation involves a certain amount of guess work, as it is a soft science. But the more experienced and educated guess is a better bet. An underscore is that tefiloh is warranted, as the ultimate healer is HKB”H. We have our hishtadlus to make, and our obligation is to do this with the best of responsibility. Then, Hashem takes over and guides these professionals and their interventions with Syatta Dishmaya.
What about people who develop a disorder after the wedding?
I think the OP makes a good point. And the people who develop a disorder after the wedding is a different story which shouldn’t detract from the OP’s point.
What about those who live in abusive homes that have helped create emotional disorders?
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