An interesting story occurred by Hagaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky recently. A Jew from a distant town came to his house and told him of his trials and tribulations with his marriage. The man told Rav Chaim that he has a lot of problems with Shalom Bais and that he can no longer live with the current situation as it is nor the anguish that is has caused him. He could not even explain the depths of the pain that he has suffered due to his marriage, he has had no rest and no life, and he felt that in the current situation that he has to divorce his wife. He felt obliged to come to the great sage for advice before pulling the plug on his marriage.
Rav Kanievsky responded: “Indeed there seems to be no choice, it appears you must divorce your wife.”
The man turned to leave and Rav Kanievsky smiled and said: “Remember, even divorce is a mitzvah in the Torah, you need to fulfill the mitzvah with joy just like any other mitzvah. Perhaps this will cause you to enjoy another mitzvah in the future.”
The man then asked: “To what other mitzvah are you referring?” Rav Kanievsky responded: “If you are not a Cohen, perhaps she will one day act as she should and you will be convinced to bring her back and re-marry her. Then you will be able to enjoy a second marriage with her and fulfill the mitzvah of returning a divorcee.”
The men then replied. “If that is the case then perhaps I will try to stick with her now.” Rav Kanievsky replied: “On the contrary.” He blessed the Jew that he should find success and let him take his leave.
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14 Responses
so why dont we all get divorces and remarry? get 2 mitzvos.
I dont understand what the rov was telling him to do.
“…perhaps she will one day act as she should and you will be convinced to bring her back and re-marry her..” —This seems to suggest it was the wifes reason that he had to get a divorce. What was the husbands role? Did he bring his wife to meet with the Rov?
The significance of this story is that it lends recognition that there are instances in which divorcing is the advisable option. This does not eliminate the possibility of reconciliation.
Too many people make general statements, either to impulsively push for divorce, or to stop people from divorcing by insisting that they reconcile. There are both instances, and there are no general rules. No one should be pushed in either direction. rather, it is the responsibility of the Rov or professional to assist the individual(s) to make well balanced, rational decisions, with full awareness of the consequences.
Noteworthy is that Rav Chaim was not pushing in either direction, nor was he being hasty in his guidance.
Interesting how psakim of Rav Chaim go around. I once heard/saw in the name of Rav Chaim Shlita that there is no specific Mitzvah of “מחזיר גרושתו”.
Note, there is a Chinuch though that indicates that there is a “inyan” but we do not find any specific mitzvah (as per the “b’shem Rav Chaim” I saw once)
I don’t understand the end of the story. “On the contrary” seems like a non sequitur.
Would he have given the same answer to a woman who came to him with the same facts and question (adjusted of course for the gender reversal and halacha concern gittin) ?
Gadol,
Rather ask on the Torah that states: Ki Matzah BAH ervas davar…no?
YWN A little language nuance must be understood here.”The Aramaic and very Yeshivish word “adiraba” literally translates as “to the contrary”.However adiraba is much deeper and can mean to the contrary of our original idea.So when Rav Chaim shlita said Adiraba, that is what he meant and that he should try to fix things so as not to need divorce.However “to the contrary” in English just goes on the previous sentence, which would mean he should get divorced.Anyone without “gohr ah gutte chap”of Yeshivish would not have understood the article
I understood (as I think the man in the story) that he wanted him to think about it in this context and would he truly gladly be giving the get, or is he letting the complaints cloud his judgement.
Refoelzev. The translation is too literal. He said אדרבה which in that context means something like ” of course!” ( אדרבה usually means “on the contrary” but in israeli yeshivish slang in that context it means “i agree and I believe it even more stongly”)
Gadol hatorah what’s your question? Why would it be any differenct? What’s the difference between a man divorcing a woman and a woman divorcing a man?
Posting such supposed stories makes a mockery of Rabanim. The naiveness that without actually knowing the person he could answer that way, is mighty presumptuous.
There are so many variables, it behooves any baal achrayis to know the facts on a personal level before giving any advice. For example : the guy could’ve been mentally ill and made up the whole story.
The secret to a great marriage guaranteed, is written in the Sefer DRASH MOSHE, last piece of Parshas Vayichie. from Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l
Ocho: There shouldn’t be any difference although in the real world and especially in some heimeshe circles, attitudes towards divorce, counseling etc. frequently appear to be driven by which party is seeking to end a marriage and which party wants to “keep working” at keeping the family together.
ocho since: There are much different Halachas when the man wants to divorce the wife compared to when the wife wants a divorce. The Torah says a man only has to divorce if he wants to.
This is such a sweet story that it makes my teeth hurt, RL.