Received in email from R’ Avi Fishoff: (copied and pasted)
The famous Dayan HaRav Binyumin Gruber shlyt”a told these stories to me and gave me permission to say them over in his name:
A Satmar chussid came to his Rebbeh the Divrei Yoel zy”a crying bitterly about his son who was extremely rebellious to the extent that he was off the derech, r”l.
The father exclaimed that he was fed up with the boy and wanted to throw him out of the house!
The Rebbeh zy”a told him very clearly: “DO NOT SEND HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!”
When the father expressed his frustration because the child was so rebellious and would not conform to the rules of the house and they simply could not deal with him the way that he was acting, the Rebbeh zy”a explained to him the secret of how to deal with wayward and rebellious children who do not respond to regular Chinuch:
The Rebbeh zy”a advised the parents to do the exact OPPOSITE of what they were doing and instead of being ‘against’ him – ADERABA – prove your LOVE and ADMIRATION to him by spoiling him and showering him with EXTRA love!
The Rebbeh gave an example of how to win this child back by BOOSTING HIM: “Whatever amount of money you usually give your kids – give this child DOUBLE!”
(HaRav Yankele Pshevorsk zy”a gave similar advice to a very Chassidishe family whose son brought a shiksa to live with him in their home! His words were: “Give him MORE LOVE and MORE MONEY!” Indeed this seemingly “Twisted” advice ultimately proved to be successful and the son returned and built a beautiful chassidishe family to the extent that his daughter is currently a teacher in a Chassidishe moised!)
When the father expressed to the Divrei Yoel that they were worried about the negative influence on the other siblings in the house, the Rebbeh zy”a replied: “Send all of the other children out of the house and give THIS CHILD ALL of your attention!”
(The same exact advice was given by HaRav Elyashiv ztz”l and the Lubavitcher Rebbeh zy”a. We see that ALL Gedolim were not agreeable to EVER lose a child!)
The lesson:
People mistakenly believe that we must be MIRACHEIK (reject) the sinners, while our Gedolim understood that ADERABA (on the contrary) we must SPOIL them!
People mistakenly believe that HaShem wants us to CUT OFF those who sin against him, while our Gedolim understood that ADERABA (on the contrary) we must pull them even closer to us!
People mistakenly think – if we show him that we are ok with him, why would he ever change??? Yet we see that the big Gedolim all understood very clearly that what saves these children is baking in a strong feeling EXTREME UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT & ACCEPTANCE!
People often ask me – where does it say that we should be mikarrev those who go off the derech? Before I list the myriad of sources from the Zohar to the Baal Shem Tov to the Chazon Ish, I ask them: where is your source saying that you should reject them?
Why is the natural standard of reaction of so many frum people to FIGHT AND REJECT those who struggle?
We have lost TOO MANY souls from the misguidance of REJECTION.
Let us all learn from the Gedolim and make sure not to reject our struggling souls!
We must replace REECHOK – with KIRRUV!
We must replace REJECTION – with CONNECTION!
We must replace CRITICISM – with COMPLIMENTS!
We must replace JUDGEMENT – with UNDERSTANDING!
We must replace cold negative looks – with warm positive smiles!
And finally:
It is time for us to replace our own IGNORANCE – with HaShem’s TOLERANCE!
I have seen the miracles that HaShem bestows on those who follow in His ways as taught to us by all of the real gedolim of the past generations.