False information from references

The way you describe this scenario the references only omitted some neutral information, they didn’t give false information. If they weren’t specifically asked about these neutral (or even negative) points, they have no reason to give the caller that information.

“parts of her personality just wouldn’t work for him”
This is something that is difficult to pinpoint with just asking friends.

Penalty ?!?

List Of Things To Do Today

1. Fix shidduch system
2. Insert penalty clause into current shidduch system.
3. All done!!

Before marriage it looked like 80-20. In the thirty years it has become more like 50-50.

Me12355, Shidduchin is one of the exceptions that the Chafetz Chaim makes, provided the following conditions are met :
A.the person making the request must it is for the pirpose of a shidduch
B. The request cannot be made from someone knownto be an enemy of the prospect
C. The response must be carefully thought thru and not exaggerated
D. It is permitte to report only those negative comments that pertain to the shidduch. However,if , for example , the engagement has already taken place and the newinfo is unlikely to break it, you cannot say
E. If the requestor is known to be indiscreet, you cant answer
The Pischei Tshuva holds that it is an avairah to withhold information regarding a shidduch

I am shocked to read an implied “halacha” in several comments. This “halacha” suggests that if saying something truthful is L”H, then one can lie. This is definitely not true. There is no heter to mislead someone into a shidduch by lying. If someone believes the Chofetz Chaim implies this, I need to see this black on white. I do not recall such a thing, and it is certainly inconsistent with known halacha. It may be one matter to withhold information. But to deliberately give false information is quite another.

Me12345Participant
Joseph; he was told by her friends that she is a quiet and reserved girl. She was completely the opposite
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Let me share with you a very common scenario when it comes to info about boys.
One of the more common questions asked from the girls side is whether the boy smokes. Boys who are smokers and want to start dating know this question comes up .so what many of these boys do is they stop smoking publicly, giving the impression that they quit. (But many boys never intended to quit at all and resume smoking after they are married.)Because his friends dont see him smoke anymore they no longer consider him a smoker. My question to u is if someone were to ask you about certain boy who who you know stopped smoking or only smokes iin private , how would you respond if you were asked about This boys whether he is a smoker? For all intents and purposes Lets
assume for a minute you are his chavrusa or close friend?

Quiet and reserved is all relative just like cute ot beauty is relative . So that persons perspective could br different then yours. Also many girls who are known to be reserved actually become unreserved to a large degree when they hsve compatibilities eith the person they are talking to or dating. So its not so far fetched if she is different in the reserved/ area etc.

I didn’t grow up this way, but my Chofetz Chaim a lesson a day says that Lashon Hora doesn’t have to be negative, it can be positive as well. And secondly, if it is just opinion and not an issue that should not be an issue after marriage, that is lashon hora too.
Sounds like it on both levels imo.

Me12345Participant
Takes2 that’s a big shaila in halacha if you’re supposed to answer about smoking. This specific example of “quiet and reserved” is not something you can lie about. There are some people that are quiet a d some that are the life of the party
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Its NOT a big shaila anymore in todays day and age. The surgeon general has warned us for many years already about the imminent dangers of smoking.
Any qualified ruv who really know about the medical ramifications of smoking will te you the same. If a ruv says that its ossur to disclose that info is not with the program and should not be paskening such shylis. Now im not talking about someone who occasionally lites up for a chosson cigarette. Im talking about a habitual smoker. And everyone know the difference.

“Before marriage it looked like 80-20. In the thirty years it has become more like 50-50.”

iac, just to clarify your point, you’re saying before marriage it looked like your kallah was 80% of what you were looking for but after 30 years of marriage you found it is more like 50%?

joseph: No…..things that I thought then were a “chisoron” that I can overlook have been proven that I cannot overlook. But there was no way of knowing this before marriage. It has come with both the “good and bad” that HKB”H has thrown at us in the past 30 years. The “good and bad” is in quotes because we don’t understand the actual cheshbonos and what we may think is “bad” may actually be good. Couples eventually have to confront issues that could not have been foreseen when dating.

Joseph: Let’s say before marriage we seemed to be 80% compatible but there were about 20% of things that I found to be a “chisoron” (these things were not necessarily her personally but things that were common in her family). I will not get into what they exactly were but it was opposite from how my family conducted themselves. I felt that I could either overlook it or at least when around my family to avoid what she did in her parents house. Since we have been married I have found other “chesronos” that now measure 50%. These other “chesronos” were not discernible before and only exposed themselves after marriage.

How I deal with these issues is my personal business (and my Rav’s) and not for public consumption.

I know I act differently depending on who I am interacting with. Is it not possible that her behavior on this date was caused by some social energy between the 2 of them? It is enough that he decided he wants to keep looking–why imply her friends with a false report?