“I agree that that is largely the case; however, would you agree that bringing up the other spouse’s wrongdoings in order to parry responsibility for one’s own wrongdoing is counterproductive and harmful to a relationship?”
no. I was just saying that an abusive marriage should be ended regardless of what the vitim also does wrong because abuse is never acceptable. But that doesn’t mean the abuse victim is free from fault in other aspects of the marriage and if a counselor fails to address these issue with HER, her second marriage may not work out either.
Case in point, my ‘friend’ from above ended up marrying a man who was always very passive. His first wife did not handle the stress of their difficult life situations well and was often angry and screaming. He reached a point where he couldn’t even tolerate being home with her anymore. They divorced. The ex went to counseling, he didn’t because he believed he just needed a non-abusive wife. His second marriage with the above wife did not last very long either as his passivity lent itself to other issues as well.
So no, it isn’t something to discuss with the abuser, but it is imperative to work thru with the abuse victim before setting off on another try.
“assuming he went to counseling to seek help improving his marriage”
no, unfortunately he went to address his attraction to men (and dwindled attraction to his wife).That is why she was not told he was going to therapy.