need shidduch advice please

Just propose to him and rent a hall.

Is this the same guy but you are going through a shadchan now?

I’m lost: are you asking if you should go out with him or if you should set up your friend with him?

btw, is this the girl you wanted to stop giving rides to?

you sound a bit hypocritical. Why is he good enough for a friend of yours but not for you?

It’s actually quite common for someone to break off a shidduch and subsequently suggest that person for someone else.

It’s not a matter of “good enough”

Iacismma – it doesn’t necessarily follow that the reason she would set him up with her friend instead is because she thinks he’s not good enough for her.

Even it is, I’m not sure that’s a problem. If I don’t think a guy is Frum enough or smart enough for me, why shouldn’t I set him up with a friend who is less Frum or less smart than me? (obviously one has to be very careful how they go about it so the person isn’t offended, but if one could do it in a way they are sure the person won’t be, I don’t see the problem).

On the other hand, if there is a real concern that the guy may be a bad influence on the friend, then it may be assur according to halacha. There are halachos about not setting someone up with someone who you think might be bad for them.

Thank you, Meno

I think you meant “Thank you, iacisrmma”

Sorry Iacisrmma – I accidentally left the “r” out of your name.

LU: I am not sure about “Boyswork” but I think we have a “men are from Mars women are from Venus” type issue. Men simply interpret this one way and women another and IMHO we will not be able to come to a consensus based on the facts presented here.

Rebshidduch – I never said that your friend is not a nice boy. Where do you see that I said that? I don’t even know him – how could I know if he’s nice or not?

Hmm, LU says “However, there are cases in which both of these are seriously problematic.”, etc

1. Why is it problematic is a boy and girl meet on their own? The majority of the previous generatio did just that – at college, homowack, grossingers, sky rink, etc.
If the parents are OK with it, why would you need to launder it thru a shadchan? Because the neighbors will talk? WHO CARES what the yentas say?
2. You said its problematic to go out with an OTD boy. He is not OTD anymore, he made a comeback. Give him some credit. If you always consider him to be OTD, it will just push him away again.
Chag Kasher Ve’Sameach.

Rebshidduch,

First of all, I’m really sorry if I offended you in any way. I did not intend to do so. I also did not intend to speak badly about a boy whom I don’t even know and whom I’m sure if I did know, I would have a lot of good things to say about. Obviously, if you like him so much, he must be a very nice person.

Second of all, there are a few different things here:

1. Saying someone is not nice.

2. Saying someone is bad.

3. Saying someone is bad for you.

These are 3 entirely different things. As far as I can recall, I never said 1 or 2. I am sure that I did say #3.
However, it was completely as a result of what you said. It was really you saying it; I simply repeated your words back to you. I think that if you go back and read your old posts on the topic (as someone once wisely suggested), you will understand what I mean.

In any case, I really hope you are moichel me and I am really sorry if I hurt you in any way.

Meno – thank you for responding to Boyswork for me. I would also say that the answer to #1 is the same as the answer to #2.

Until now, I was always in favor of (or at least not against) boys and girls meeting on their own. I think I may have even written things to Rebshidduch at one point to that effect. However, from things that she subsequently wrote, I realized that it’s probably a very bad idea for her (and maybe for many others, especially in her age range). But again, you are coming in the middle.

I will just say that it has absolutely nothing to do with what other people think. It has to do with the fact that for many people it is beneficial or even necessary to have some kind of older, wiser go-between for these things. I know a couple who met on their own but chose an older, wiser person to be their shadchan, and it greatly helped to facilitate the shidduch.

Rebshidduch – you asked for advice. You are the one who said that he is bad for you, and you asked us what you should do about it. I can’t apologize for believing you and I can’t apologize for giving advice when asked. I am actually offended that you are criticizing me for doing what you asked me to doi nstead of thanking me. I find that offensive and uncalled for.

Rebshidduch -you keep making false accusations about me. I already explained to you why they are false, yet you keep repeating the same false accusations. Please stop it already.

Rebshidduch, I very much appreciate your apology.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I really hope it gets better. I will try to daven for you.

I understand that it is hard for you to talk to anyone right now. But if you can try to find someone to talk to, I would think that would help you to be less depressed.

All the best, and best wishes for a Chag Kosher v’Sameach!

Rebshidduch – I am glad you are asking the question, but I think that you are capable of figuring the answer out yourself. I think that is true of all the questions you have been asking on this topic as well.

It may make it easier for you to think things through when you type up and post your dilemmas, so you might want to continue doing so, but at the the end of the day, I think you are the one who needs to come up with the answers, and I think you are quite capable of doing so.

oy.. Now I see what the phrase “shidduch crisis” means