LB – You are a wonderful, spiritual person who has a lot of Ahavas Hashem and is working very hard to grow closer to Hashem and to do the right thing.
But it seems to me that you have a hard time with the concept of bending your will to Hashem’s Will and not trying to change His Will to fit with your own.
While Loving Hashem and having a positive attitude are very important, it is at least as important to remember that our purpose in life is to be “Ovdei Hashem” – to serve Hashem and to be willing to do whatever He wants us to do, no matter how hard it is.
What if Avraham Avinu had said, “How could a loving G-d possibly tell me to sacrifice my son? This makes no sense!” He would have been well-excused for thinking that and refusing to go forward with Akeidas Yitzchak.
If he had done that, where would be today? We are around today in his zchus. We daven to Hashem in the zchus avos (merits of the fathers). What does this mean? Why should Hashem favor us because of what our ancestors did?
It is because we have inherited their spiritual genes. Avraham’s sacrifice gave us the potential and ability to make similar sacrifices. Hashem is not asking us to do what Avraham Avinu did, but He asks us to make similar sacrifices, each on his own level. Different people have different challenges; some are harder and some are easier. Hashem gives greater challenges to those who are greater because He knows they can handle it and they have the ability to reach greater heights. The greater the challenge, the greater the reward in the end, and the greater the accomplishment, and the greater the person will feel in the end when they overcome their desires in order to bend themselves to Hashem’s Will.
We all have challenges, and we all have opportunities to serve Hashem by bending our will to His.